Wish You Were
by breathe4her
Summary: Can love begin again where it painfully left off?
1. Counting Down

_**About a year ago I posted a couple chapters of this story and recently deleted it. I'm going to repost this, let me know what you think! It may start out slow, but trust it gets good. This has to be one of my favourite stories I've written since Wash It All Away.**_

**Wish You Were**

**The Set-Up (Introduction) – Counting Down**

**SPENCER**

I sat back against the large chair occupying the living room of my condo. The sun was shining bright across the beach that I could see so perfectly from my large glass window.

It had been five years since I've seen _her_.

Five years since she chose _him_ over me.

I'd like to think that I moved on pretty well. After moving back to Ohio for a couple of months, I missed the sun and beach, making an unexpected change and moved back to where my heart was left behind.

I couldn't tell you that I forgot about her. No, because I still remembered her soft skin, her husky voice and those brown eyes that told me a new story every time I looked into them.

But I managed to move on after hearing that _she_ married _him_.

Married the one guy who could've had any other girl at school, yet decided to ruin her and I, by confessing his feelings.

I would say I hated him for that. But who's to say where we'd be five years later?

I didn't know.

I brought the cool glass against my lips, sipping the ice cold water and swallowing it with delight. It was more than hot outside. I wanted to stay inside, in my nice air conditioned space.

"Hey babe," she pressed her lips against my bare shoulder and I couldn't help but smile. I looked up into grey eyes and kissed her.

"Hey," I laced my fingers with hers as she swung along the chair and plopped in my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck, "I thought you were going surfing today?"

Carmen looked out the window and pressed her cheek against mine. "There's supposed to be a storm rolling in and I know how much you hate it when I'm out there splashing in the rain."

I smiled and handed her my cold water. "Well good then."

She kissed me once again before getting off my lap and held her hand out. "So I figured we could hit the mall for new board shorts and I would love to buy you a new bikini."

I rolled my eyes. "You buy me a new bikini every week Carm," I snickered as she shrugged, not denying it.

"What can I say Spence," she tugged me into the bedroom so I could put more than just my boy shorts and tank top on, "I love to watch you model."

It had been five years, today, that I last seen _her_.

Four years since I met Carmen.

Three years since _she's_ been married to _him._

Two years since I last heard from any of _her_ family members.

One year since Carmen proposed to me.

As much I loved the woman and as much I tell myself I've moved on completely…

I've yet to give her an answer.

--

_The first chapter will be up later on!_


	2. RSVP

**_I don't own SoN!_**

**1 - R.S.V.P.**

**SPENCER**

_Spencer Carlin,_

_You have been invited to the wedding of Mr. Julian W. Lee & Miss Kyla L. Woods…_

I raised my eyebrow at the homemade card that I had received in the mail and blinked before rereading it.

"What's that?" Carmen sat down at the breakfast bar with a glass of juice in her hand. She occupied herself by digging through the rest of our mail.

"A wedding invitation," I placed it on the counter before grabbing a glass of cold lemonade. I noticed her eyes widen at the name and then she gave me a questioning look.

"Who's Julian and Kyla?" She furrowed her eyebrow at me and placed the card back on the table neatly.

"High school friend," I shrugged and kicked the fridge door closed. "She was a really great friend."

After Ashley and I broke up, Kyla tried everything in her willpower to make sure our friendship stayed the same. I couldn't take my bitterness against Ashley and him out on her, so we remained friends.

It wasn't until I learned that Ashley married him, that we stopped chatting. It wasn't planned that way, it just happened. Only Christmas and birthday cards were exchanged.

After I met Carmen, I knew I needed to move on from everything. I wanted a clean slate and she was there for me. I looked over at the woman sitting on the stool, reading the morning newspaper. She was beautiful. She treated me with respect and I truly did love her. She moved everything she owned from San Francisco, just to be with me here.

"So," I made my way towards her and sat up on the counter and she immediately moved her stool to sit between my legs, resting her arms on my thighs as she looked up at me, "did you want to go?"

"To a stranger's wedding?" Carmen raised an eyebrow with an amused smile on her face.

"She's not technically a stranger," I smiled and patted her head, "she sends us Christmas cards every year."

"Give me some background on this chick," Carmen moved closer and drew circles on the inside of my exposed legs, "is she an ex-girlfriend?"

I laughed. "Kyla is straighter than straight. Ashley and I tried to set her up on a date with a girl once and it did not go over well."

I closed my eyes tightly as I mentioned her name out loud for the first time in a year or so. It just slipped out and I didn't even feel it coming on. Carmen realized it as well as she pulled back and stared up at me. "Ashley? _The_ Ashley?"

"Who else do I know by the name of," I licked my lips, "her."

"So she'd be at this wedding?" Grey eyes sought mine as she played with the edge of my thigh-high robe.

I frowned and swallowed. I guess she would be at the wedding. With him. Damn him.

"Yea, I guess she would be, being sisters and all." I sighed and moved to get off the counter but was pulled down into Carmen's lap with her lips gently pressed against mine. "What was that for?"

"I love you, Spencer," She smiled softly, "and I know that Kyla was a good friend so you should go for her. No one else. She wouldn't have sent you an invite if she didn't want you there," she played with the collar of my robe and bit her lip, "if it was our wedding, I'd want you to invite anyone you want."

I bit my tongue and threw her an apologetic glance. "I know you're waiting for an answe-"

"Stop." She covered my mouth with her hand and shook her head. "I'm not looking for one until you're ready to really give me one. Just because I asked you a year ago and I've yet to receive an answer, doesn't mean I love you any less," her eyes landed on the wedding invite, "besides, I want you to have complete closure with Ashley."

"I do." I argued softly.

"No babe, you don't." Carmen nuzzled my neck before tapping my leg for me to stand up. "But I get it and I want you to go so you can be there for Kyla, your friend. And if you happen to see Ashley, close it. You deserve to be happy, especially if she is."

I nodded slowly and bit my lip, picking up the invitation. Tapping my fingers on top of the smooth surface of the counter, I grabbed a pen and shakily wrote down '2 guests' and sealed it up in an envelope.

Carmen smiled at me and pressed a soft kiss onto my shoulder. "We'll drop this off in the mailbox on our way to dinner."

I took a deep breath and wondered briefly if I was doing the right thing.

Kyla was my friend after all.

And I was with Carmen. Happily so.

So why was I feeling more than nervous once we slipped that envelope into the mailbox?

--


	3. Laughter

**2 - Laughter**

**SPENCER**

I remembered the day Kyla told me that Ashley and Aiden were getting married. I was sitting outside a fancy café with her, having a quick get together because she had some important news to tell me. I figured it was about her and whatever she was doing in school. I wasn't expecting the news that Ashley was engaged to him.

She had told me that at first the only reason why they were engaged in the first place was because Aiden had suspicions that she was pregnant. It kind of made him feel like a man or something. But since Ashley accepted with no knowledge of that fact, they decided to make it part of their life anyway. I was asked to go to the wedding and I looked at Kyla like she was a mad woman.

I would not go and witness the love of my life walk down the aisle with him.

It wasn't going to happen.

And it didn't.

I left the café in tears because I always tried to hold onto hope that she'd be mine again someday. I never let her go completely, even after I heard they finally tied the knot.

It wasn't until I met Carmen and spent time with her that I realized I didn't need Ashley to smile again. I didn't need her jokes to make me laugh. And I didn't need her touch to make me feel beautiful.

Carmen had been wonderful to me – with me. She was patient while I went through my heartache. She held me when I'd cry and she promised she'd always be there for me. I even broke up with her for a while and she left, without a fight because she knew me. She knew that giving me my space would help me open up again. And I did. I wanted Carmen back in my life. I didn't want that happiness to fade again. So she came back to me, no questions, no explanations, she came back to me and I never thought of letting her go since.

Three weeks passed and we were in New York for Kyla's wedding. Carmen knew I was a nervous wreck but she understood.

"Wow," she breathed as walked into our hotel room for that weekend, "Spence, this is awesome."

I studied the old paintings on the cream coloured walls and smiled. I knew Carmen loved her art and even though I had no idea this room held such things, I was grateful because I loved to see her smile. "I can't believe Kyla moved to New York," I bounced on the bed and looked out towards the busy city.

"You've always wanted to come here though, right?" Carmen asked me, placing her hands on my shoulders as she straddled my lap. "Well now you're here."

I smiled and kissed her. I pushed her back slightly and slapped my forehead, kissing her again as she scowled a bit. "Sorry, it's just I forgot to call Kyla and let her know we landed safely."

"Well, call her and then let's go sight seeing!" Carmen smiled and went to the bathroom, shutting the door.

I flipped through my numbers on my cell and hit Kyla's name. It rang a couple of times before someone picked up. _"'lo?"_ A husky voice answered.

"Hi," I held my breath, "is Kyla there?"

"_Oh yea, uh,"_ the husky voice said on the other end of the line_, "actually she just stepped out for a few minutes, something about grabbing extra ingredients for tonight's dinner,"_ I heard her sigh almost tiredly, _"may I ask who's calling?"_

"I'll just call back, thank you." I was about to hang up when I heard _that laugh._

_That laugh _that made me weak in the knees.

_That laugh_ that was accompanied by a gorgeous smile.

"_No need to be shy, I promise she'll get the message."_ She said softly. Sincerely.

Oh God my heart was in my throat.

Or in my brain because my ears were pounding so hard from the blood that rushed through them.

"I uh," I cleared my throat. "I'll just uh, call back." I hung up.

Carmen came out of the bathroom and looked at me funny. "Babe, are you feeling alright? You look a little pale."

I swallowed and shook my head.

I felt sick to my stomach.

I felt…

I felt like I was walking into a disaster that could leave me with no one.

"I just want to lie down a bit. I think that flight with the layover made me a little tired." I smiled sweetly and she nodded with her own sweet smile.

"Okay Spence," she whispered and crawled onto the bed with me, scooping me up in her arms, "we can rest for a little bit."

I closed my eyes, feeling safe in the arms that held me. Feeling warm and loved.

Carmen did that to me.

Yet all I could see was _her._

All I could see was Ashley Davies.

--


	4. Facing You

**3 - Facing You**

**SPENCER**

I looked down at the address in my hand then back up at the house we were standing in front of. "Why am I here?"

"Why are you so nervous?" Carmen countered and wrapped her arm around my waist. "Kyla already told you that Ashley wasn't going to be here tonight."

"I know but I haven't seen Kyla in years." I pouted as she shoved me closer to the door. "I have two feet you know!"

"Really?" Carmen smirked and let go of me, pointing to the door, "then use them."

I scowled and we made our way to the front door. I wrung my hands slightly before ringing the door bell.

"Babe," my girlfriend whispered in my ear, "stop fidgeting."

I nodded and held my breath as the door opened. I found myself staring in familiar brown eyes and then she screamed joyfully.

"Spencer!" Kyla practically jumped in my arms and squeezed me hard, her face in my neck. She didn't let go and I started to worry. "I've missed you so much." She breathed and pulled back, tears welling up in her eyes. "Oh wow, you're so beautiful. You grew up nicely."

I smirked and raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you getting married… to a guy?"

Kyla laughed and wiped away her tears, pulling me in for another hug. "Well hey, I have to admit that you're hot."

I blushed. "Thanks Ky." I nodded and gave her the same compliment. She was always stunning, being a Davies it was one of their gifts. Being utterly attractive.

I glanced at Carmen who had a smile on her face. "Oh Ky, this is Carmen."

"Carmen?" Kyla grinned and hugged her briefly. "You sign all those cards and I'm just now meeting you."

"Yea," Carmen smiled and looked at me, "Spencer speaks highly of you."

Kyla gave me an adorable look followed by a frown. "I'm sorry we lost contact Spence."

"Hey," I patted her shoulder, "I'm here now, you're getting married so let's just enjoy the time, yea?"

She nodded and told us to follow her. I laced my fingers through Carmen's as we made our way into the nice spacious house. "Wow," I sighed, "you have a very lovely home, Kyla."

"Thanks, Julian let me do all the decorating." Kyla gushed and took our coats, hanging them by the door. "You two could've stayed with us, you didn't have to get a hotel room. I have three spares that aren't ever going to be used."

Carmen cleared her throat and smiled, "well I think with certain people that'd be coming over, comfort would be an issue."

Yea, she was referring to Ashley and Aiden.

"Oh," Kyla widened her eyes, "right, I'm sorry."

I shook my head. "Don't be. I'm over it." I lied.

Carmen nudged me and raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Fine, closure would be nice." I whispered in her ear.

"Well, um," Kyla shifted from foot to foot, "last minute change of plans, see… Julian's sister was supposed to be here to help me out with the food line up for our family dinner tomorrow night. But since she's stuck in Florida until tomorrow morning, I kinda, sorta, just a little bit… invitedAshleyovertohelpus."

I think my head spun in circles. Or was that the room?

"What?" I whispered, panic evident in my voice. I felt Carmen's arms wrap around me. "D-does she at least know I'm… you know, here?"

"Well," Kyla let the word roll off her tongue, "um, not exactly?"

"KYLA!" I panicked and shook my head. "I can't… I…"

The doorbell rang and then the door opened. My heart skipped. I was starting to perspire. I heard _that laugh_.

"Hey sis!" I heard _her_ yell from the foyer and I glanced at Carmen before looking around to see if there were any other exits for me to run too.

"In here!" Kyla yelled as she whispered 'I'm sorry' to me. I narrowed my eyes at her and Carmen squeezed me.

"You have me here babe," she whispered in my ear, "no worries, okay?"

Oddly enough, that made me feel better. She made me feel better.

"Ky, you could at least help us wi-" The words stopped at the tip of her tongue when I turned around to face her for the first time in over five years.

Blue met brown and the air crackled with great tension.

The room grew silent. I felt Carmen's grip on me tighten in a comforting way and I blinked before my gaze drifted to the man standing beside her.

"Spencer?" Ashley stepped forward and I stood still, my body frozen in place.

"Yea, Spencer made it!" Kyla spoke loudly, patting my back. "Yay Spence! Watching me get all married and shit-"

"You knew she was going to be here?" Ashley's eyes looked at her sister and then back at me.

"Well, yea," Kyla shrugged, "I was just about to ask her if she'd be a bridesmaid."

"Huh?" I spun around and looked at her. "You said nothing about me being a bridesmaid!"

Kyla put on her famous pout. "I know because how stupid would that have been in an invite? I didn't have your number anymore and well, I wanted to ask you in person," she smiled innocently, "so will ya?"

Ashley stepped closer so she was now standing right beside me, glaring at her sister. "I wouldn't have brought _him_ if I knew she was going to be here." She hissed and was talking as if I wasn't even there.

_Him_ being Aiden.

"Well I only invited _you_ anyway." Kyla frowned and I shook my head. Shock was finally wearing itself away from my panicked body and I turned to look at Carmen. I smiled and she smiled back. "Oh, um, this is Carmen." Kyla pointed out.

Ashley slowly looked Carmen up and down, her eyes stopped at the fact that we were holding hands. "Ashley," she replied, taking my girlfriend's hand in her own.

"Nice to meet you," Carmen smiled sincerely and Ashley seemed to have returned the gesture. "You must be Aiden?" We both glanced at the guy holding more than a few bags of groceries.

I rolled my eyes and bit my lip as Ashley raised an eyebrow. "You know about us?" She asked, curiously.

Carmen nodded. "Yea, you're the one that shattered Spencer's heart."

Kyla's eyes widened and slapped her hands together, laughing nervously. "The chicken is done defrosting so uh, Ash, did you bring the pasta?"

"Yea," Ashley wiped her hands on her jeans and walked passed me. I could smell her scent, it hadn't changed at all. Her hair was much darker, just the one tone of dark chestnut brown and longer then I've ever seen it. Still wavy with curls. I used to love tangling my fingers in those curls – especially when she'd kiss me so passionately.

"I'm just gonna go ahead and drop this off," Aiden said quickly, "I think I'd have more fun hanging out with the guys."

"As always." I heard Ashley mutter. Aiden shook his head and gave her a look before dropping the bags of groceries on the counter.

"Babe," Carmen spun me around and smiled softly, "you should talk to her."

"Now?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Well, sooner the better, right? We can leave all of this behind us and make Kyla's wedding as comfortable as possible for her – seeing as now you're her bridesmaid." She smiled and tucked some long dark hair behind her ears. She was so unbelievably breathtaking in more ways than one.

Yet my heart was still tugging on memories of me and Ashley.

--


	5. Memory Lane

_**So for those of you who find this story rather familiar; I had it posted before, at least up until this chapter. I am reposting it and will do so until it's completed! A lot of heartache on the way but you'll get fuzzy feelings, trust me. Oh and don't be surprised if you fall a little for Carmen in this fic, she's OOC but I have a soft spot for her, as you can tell in WIAA and Points. :)**_

**4 - Memory Lane**

**SPENCER**

I stood in a spare bedroom alone, looking around at all of the old high school pictures Kyla had scattered around the room. I picked one up of her and Aiden and smiled vaguely upon 'what had been' so long ago. I placed it back down and proceeded to look along the walls of old school photos of both her and Ashley.

It wasn't a picture that caught my eye; it was the frame that caught my eye at the other end of the room. I approached it and picked it up with trembling hands. Her brown soulful eyes stared back at me and I took a deep breath before looking at the younger version of me, beside her. We were wrapped up in a huge beach towel after a beach party that Ashley had thrown just for me. Our lips were curled up in perfect smiles as if the world couldn't hurt us at all. Now that I was looking at it, I wondered if she was ever really that happy or if it was a lie from the beginning.

"Kyla cherishes that picture." Ashley spoke behind me and I almost lost grip of the frame that I had bought for Ashley on her birthday.

"I'm glad someone does." I murmured after my nerves calmed down a bit, before placing the frame back on the small table. "She's got a lot of old pictures in here."

"It's her 'what should've been' room." Ashley whispered as she walked over to a picture of her and Kyla during their 'graduation' party that Aiden I guess, threw for them after they took their GED.

I sighed and leaned against the back of an old white sofa. "Why are you in here?" I asked.

"I was looking for you." She admitted and chewed on her lip before laughing slightly. "Did you know Aiden won't even step in this room?"

I rolled my eyes and shrugged. "I don't even care." I pushed myself off the back of the couch and made my way towards the door.

"Spencer."

I stopped when I heard her whisper my name. I hated it when she did that. I hated it because I loved how it always made me feel so loved and special. She didn't deserve that anymore. "Look Ashley," I sighed and turned around to face her, "I'm here for Kyla. She deserves to have this day perfect and whatever drama you want to stir up, will have to wait until afterwards."

"I don't want drama, Spencer!" Ashley strained and approached me fast. I hid my hands behind my back so she couldn't grab them and make me _feel_ again. I didn't want to _feel_ her again, but God she always felt so good.

"What do you want then?" I asked, stepping back slightly.

"You knew that coming here would mean you had to face me, were you planning on ignoring me the whole time?" Ashley asked with a sad but pleading voice.

"No," I said honestly and immediately thought of Carmen, "I wanted to take this time and just," I sighed heavily, sweating a little bit, "finally let you go. I'm with Carmen. God Ashley, that woman down there has shown me so much love over the past four years and there are still days that I think of you." I watched as some sort of relief washed across her face and for some reason it sickened me a bit. She was the one that hurt me, I was the one that felt betrayed by her and she wanted me to think about her after all this time? "I can't stand the thoughts that course through my mind of you," I finally whispered and look of relief finally disappeared from her face, "it hurts too much." I whispered.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you even if I tried." Ashley whispered and licked her lips, her brown eyes pleading for me to listen and not walk away.

"Funny way of showing it." I scowled and closed my eyes briefly before opening them. "Can you do me a favour?"

"Anything." Ashley said quickly.

"When you talk to me, don't," I swallowed, "don't look at me."

Ashley's eyes widened before she ducked her head down and my heart sank along with her gaze that dropped to the floor. "There is nothing in the world that can convince you that I had made a mistake. I was young and stupid and I didn't know any better Spencer."

"Couldn't you have just said that to me? Instead of telling me you were in love with _him_? You _knew_ how I felt about him. I gave you so much time to figure it all out. And of all days, it had to be the night of prom? Ashley, prom was something we were both looking forward too. Something we planned together and then he confesses his love for you and you just," I threw my hands in the air, "you threw it all away!"

Ashley didn't leave me at prom but she may as well have. After my brother Clay passed away from the drive-by shooting at prom; I just wanted to spend my summer alone with her knowing that she could take away my pain, even if were for a little while. Ashley had told me that she had a chance to go to Europe with her mom and with the excitement in her voice; I couldn't refuse her that chance. She offered to stay but I knew she wanted to be away from everything, everyone and me. I didn't hear from her the whole summer and when she came back, I was still the last to know she had arrived back home. She carelessly broke up with me three days later, confessing her feelings for Aiden and left me picking up the pieces alone – until I met Carmen.

"It's not like that!" Ashley voiced loudly. "It wasn't like that!"

"Then how was it exactly?" I twirled around and glared at her. "Please tell me Ashley, I'm dying to know the reason why I was the one left crying every single night. I lost my brother that night, I lost you and I lost myself along with every ounce of love I could've offered. So please," I wiped some tears away from my face and sobbed a little, "what _exactly_ was it like?"

"Is everything okay in here?" We both whirled around to see Carmen standing in the door way. The minute she saw tears in my eyes she rushed over. "Are you okay?"

I nodded and rubbed my blotchy face before cupping my girlfriend's cheek. "I'm going to freshen up and then I'll be down in a minute. We can head back to the hotel, kay?"

Carmen nodded slowly and kissed my cheek while she squeezed my hand. "I'll be ready whenever you are, baby." She whispered and excused herself from the room.

I took a few seconds to compose myself and turned to face Ashley, who was standing there, looking at the empty doorway. "So, Carmen…"

I had to smile at the mention of her name. "Yea, Carmen."

Ashley nodded and moved over to pick up a picture that was taken of Kyla and I shortly after Clay's funeral. It wasn't a happy one but it was a nice one of us in our dresses, holding hands. The younger sister always managed to be there for me after Ashley and I broke up. "You two serious?"

"Four years is pretty serious." I said in a breathy whisper. "She asked me to marry her."

Her eyes immediately glanced down to my left hand. Only a promise ring occupied it but she didn't know that. "Wow," she smiled, even though it was a sad one, "congratulations."

I blinked slowly and sighed heavily. "I didn't say yes." I moved towards the door. "I didn't say no, either." Before leaving her alone in the room, I turned around and whispered her name, "Ashley," she looked up and quickly looked away, knowing that was what I requested, "look at me," and she did, "you hurt me really bad. I worked really hard to get to where I am with Carmen," I looked down the long hallway, "if you haven't let me go, please just do it. Just, live your life with your husband and forget about me."

I never stuck around to see her expression or reactions. I quickly splashed some water on my face in the washroom and made my way downstairs. Kyla and Carmen were going through old yearbooks and I smiled as they huddled on the couch, laughing at old signatures. "I think it's time to put those away," I said behind them.

"Spence," Carmen pouted, "you never showed me your high school yearbooks before! This is like Christmas for me."

"Too bad, Christmas is coming to an end right now." I pulled her up and wrapped my arms around her waist.

"Boring Carlin rears her ugly head again." Kyla snickered and placed her yearbook beside her. "It's okay, you two are back tomorrow. While Spencer's getting fitted for her dress, she won't be able to knock the book outta your hands."

"Nice helping me, Ky." I slapped her playfully.

"Kyla, I'm heading home. Did you need anything else?" Ashley's voice broke through our friendly banter.

Kyla frowned as she noticed the mascara track marks down her sister's face. I could tell just how much she cared for Ashley. "Why don't you stay here tonight? I'm sure Aiden will be out at the bar until daylight and Julian won't be home until tomorrow afternoon."

Ashley wavered for a moment and relented. She nodded and pointed towards the kitchen. "I'm going to grab a drink," she looked at Carmen and I, "see you tomorrow, ladies."

I released the air that I had held in my lungs for the longest time and ran my hands through my hair.

Tomorrow was a brand new day, but I had a feeling it was going to be just as emotional.

--


	6. Questions

**5 - Questions**

**SPENCER**

I don't think the confrontation with Ashley the night before really helped me any. Sure she knew how I felt and that I was trying to move on. After four years, you think I would be moving… on. But no, after all of that, I tossed and turned; my head and heart just swimming with thoughts of Ashley.

Seeing her again had ignited so many old feelings and I couldn't just push them down. No matter how hard I tried. It's funny how one feeling can take over you even when you didn't want it to.

"You look gorgeous, Spencer!" Kyla squealed and clapped her hands as the lady who was pinning up my dress finished the final touches. I had been standing in the dressing room for over two hours and I was hot and thirsty. "Carm, check out your girl, she's delicious in that dress!"

Carmen smirked. "I could definitely eat her up."

Kyla's eyes widened and I laughed, blushing slightly. "You so walked into that one, Ky." I twirled around and smiled at Carmen who nodded her head in approval.

"Okay well," Kyla laughed and grabbed Carmen's hand, tugging her out of the chair, "since I don't exactly trust you two to be in here alone, I'm taking your girlfriend with me to grab some refreshments. You want anything?"

"I could use a Coke," I flashed my pearly whites and Carmen rolled her eyes. I was always a Coke fan. It was good for me, bad for my teeth.

"We'll be a few minutes, make yourself comfortable!" Kyla patted my hip and tossed me a magazine. "Just don't sit because you have pins in your dress still."

"Thanks." I smirked and watched as both brunettes left the room, leaving me to my own thoughts.

I flipped through some wedding magazine, looking at all of the pretty gowns for the whole wedding party. I snorted at some of the designs but found the cake section very interesting. I picked one out that I thought Carmen would like but then my eyes caught another one I'd love to have – one day.

"Blue was always your colour."

My head snapped up to find Ashley standing there, her purse held in both of her hands, looking at me nervously but with a familiarity that sent my pulse racing. I looked down at my dress and shrugged, blushing slightly. "Kyla insists."

Ashley smiled and pointed towards the clock. "Um, I was told to be here just after two and I didn't know you were in here." She stood there, just looking at me. "You make a very beautiful bridesmaid, Spencer."

"Thanks." I barely whispered and put my head down slightly. "So, you can have a seat. Carmen and Kyla just went to grab a drink."

"I can just wait outside," Ashley motioned towards the door and I shrugged. I offered her a seat without argument; she could do what she pleased from there.

"Oh Ash, hey!" Kyla glanced at me nervously, "what are you doing here?"

"I was told to come at two?" Ashley said, frowning.

Kyla sighed and cursed under her breath. "That fucking husband of yours really needs to start taking better messages and actually give them to you," she smiled apologetically at me, "I told Aiden that Spencer's time was being extended and for you to be here at three-thirty."

"I'm sorry Ky, I obviously didn't know," she dug her keys out of her purse, "I'll just go across the street and grab a coffee or something."

"No," I found myself saying, "Ashley, just stay. We're both a part of Kyla's wedding," I stepped off of the stool and gratefully took the Coke that Carmen handed to me, "we should be able to stay in the room long enough for her to get married."

Kyla flashed me a girly grin and mouthed a 'thank you'. "This will be perfect then, we can all play dress up."

Carmen sat back in her regular chair with a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "Don't mind if I watch."

I rolled my eyes and shared a chuckle with her.

--

I was finally out of the dress and into my own comfortable clothes. I fidgeted with the tag on the back of my shirt when I felt a hand tuck it in. I jumped as fingertips grazed the back of my neck. I turned around and gasped at the sight before me.

Ashley was in a strapless ice blue dress, perfectly fitting every single curve on her body. The gown flowed down to her feet, leaving a slit all the way up to her thigh. Leave it to Ashley Davies to make sure she was showing off skin in a sexy manner. "I was just helping you with the tag," she smiled and stepped back.

"Thank you," I offered and allowed my eyes to roam her form again, "you look really beautiful."

"Kyla insists." She smirked and I smiled softly. "Carmen went with Kyla to grab Michael's tux."

Michael was Julian's nephew, the ring bearer.

Carmen really trusted me. Not that she didn't have a reason not to trust me.

"God," I laughed and finished straightening my shirt, "can you believe Kyla's getting married?"

I wanted to make this moment as comfortable as possible. No talk about the past. No talk about anything except Kyla's wedding.

That's all I wanted to do.

"Julian's a great guy," Ashley nodded as she looked at herself in the mirror, adjusting her breasts as if it were the most natural thing in the world, "they've been together for two years."

I've yet to meet the guy but from the pictures I was shown and how Kyla talked about her future groom, he was a total keeper.

Weddings were bittersweet in my life. The woman I was willing to give up everything for, walked down the aisle with a guy who I considered a best friend. The woman I was currently with, wanted to marry me, wanted to give me the world as I pleased yet I couldn't just say yes and my best friend was going to be walking down the aisle and she seemed to be at her happiest.

I watched Ashley through the reflection of the mirror. Watching her as the _present_ Ashley Davies. Not the one I used to know. Her skin looked just as smooth as ever, her facial features were more pronounced and defined and she was slightly thinner only to have more muscle under her skin. By the looks of her, she still loved to work out and keep her body in shape.

If I had to guess, knowing Aiden, they probably had a gym in their house. Having work-outs together like the happy little married couple.

Ashley looked at me through the reflection of the mirror and smiled softly. Her brown eyes twinkled and I quickly averted my own, not wanting to get lost in them. If I were to crack now, I knew I was capable of falling under her charm again. I couldn't drown in that. I don't think I could survive it all a second time around.

"Ashley, may I ask you a question?" I stepped back and sat back in the comfortable plush chair. She turned around and looked at me with a quizzed expression while nodding her head. "How was your wedding?"

Clearly it wasn't a question she was expecting and I knew it came out of nowhere, but I was curious. If I had any chance of moving on permanently, I knew asking those types of questions would test that for me.

"What do you mean?" She frowned and dropped her hands to her sides.

"I mean, was it big or small?"

"Pretty small," Ashley shrugged and chewed on her bottom lip. "Aiden didn't want anything huge, just something pretty simple to throw together."

"Typical." I muttered and she laughed a little. "Was it a good one though?"

Ashley eyed me up suspiciously. She was trying to read me and I hated that but I raised an eyebrow in question and waited for her to answer me. "I guess."

"Stop being vague," I shook my head and stood up, "don't spare my feelings for old times sake Ashley, we're adults now."

Ashley's head snapped up and fidgeted slightly. "It was pretty perfect for a simple wedding. No drama which was good."

"Was that so hard?" I smiled softly and took a deep breath. "Are you happy?"

I was expecting a yes. I really was. I wasn't expecting the broken look she gave me with a quivering bottom lip. "Don't ask me that, Spencer."

I frowned and shook my head as she walked out of the room. "Ashley," I ran after her and spun her around. "Don't cry." I pulled her in for a hug and the moment her arms wrapped around me, her body shook with sobs, her face pressed tightly against my neck. I could feel the hot streams of her tears rolling down the side of my neck, soaking the collar of my shirt.

We stayed like that until Carmen and Kyla returned with the small tux. Ashley broke away from me quickly and turned to change. Carmen and I left the Boutique rather quickly after that.

"Is she going to be okay?" Carmen asked softly as we rode back to the hotel in a cab.

I shrugged silently and took in the large city buildings that we were passing.

"Are you going to be okay?" Carmen asked a little softer that time. I turned to face her, tears threatening to spill but I fought to keep them at bay. I nodded and put on a brave face.

Ashley's crying at my question led me to believe that she wasn't happy. Those weren't tears of guilt, she wasn't just saying it to spare my feelings. I frowned and swallowed thickly.

I didn't want to care. I didn't want to wonder why she wasn't happy.

I hated the way she made me _feel._

But I was addicted to it all at the same time.

--


	7. Intense Comfort

**6 - Intense Comfort**

**SPENCER**

"Here." I handed Ashley a glass of cold water and sat across from her on Kyla's bed. "How are you feeling?"

After what happened back at the Boutique, Ashley had gotten a bad migraine and by the time Carmen and I showed up for dinner at Kyla and Julian's house, she was still resting her eyes.

"Feels worse than a hang over." Ashley muttered, squinting her eyes a bit as they adjusted to the soft candles in the room. "Did you light those?"

I smiled and shrugged. "I know you _used_ to like waking up to soft light after a bad migraine," I looked at her and sighed, "figured not _that_ much has changed."

Ashley smiled gratefully at me and took another sip of the cold water. "So what do you do now Spencer?"

I smiled and sighed, "I actually don't really do much as far as a real job goes. Carmen owns a surf shop on the beach in LA, she pretty much designs the boards herself as well as the accessories. I just write from home, really."

Ashley looked impressed and smiled back at me. "You write?"

I nodded. "I actually started in College. It's kind of an obsession now but I'm also writing small short stories in LA Junkie."

LA Junkie was a popular magazine for local artists, whether it was creative writing, comics or poetry. It also featured popular music artists from around the area.

"That's awesome Spencer." Ashley smiled at me and looked down. "Do you two surf?"

"Every morning if we can." I grinned and leaned back a bit, stretching out slightly. "Carmen enters the small competitions; I just pretty much surf for the fun of it."

"I don't mean to step out of line here but," she flashed me her famous sexy grin, "that's very sexy."

"What?" I raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"That you surf. That you write." Ashley paused and tapped her finger on her lips briefly, "that you're you."

I frowned and shook my head, standing up from off the bed despite her protests. "So not the thing to say right now," I paused, "or ever."

Ashley jumped up as well and grabbed me by the shoulders. "Okay, that was way out of line and stupid of me," she said seriously and bit her lip, "but please don't leave. Despite everything, I've missed you."

I clenched my jaw together.

_I've missed you too._

I wouldn't tell her that though. Instead, I sat down crossed-legged across from her and fiddled with the comforter covering the bed. "What do you do?"

"I'm a physiotherapist." Ashley replied with a shrug. "I mainly work with children and adults who have been in minor accidents or who are disabled."

"Wow," I breathed and when I caught her straight face, I frowned, "that is something you should be proud of, Ash."

The shortness of her name caused us both to share a small smile. "I am, don't get me wrong, but I guess I always imagined following in Raife Davies footsteps."

I frowned and allowed my eyes to follow the light patterns on her black and grey tank top. "So what changed?"

"Aiden." Ashley sighed heavily and leaned back on her elbows. "He became a Personal Trainer and the program he entered offered the Physiotherapist training. I just decided to go with it instead of wasting my time on offers that weren't coming my way. I went to school and graduated and this is where I am."

"Well," I shrugged and glanced at her slightly, "I'm proud of you."

Ashley's soft brown eyes caught mine and she blushed a little. "That really means a lot coming from you, thanks."

"So when did you two decide to move to New York?" I asked with a breathy sigh. I didn't really want to talk about Aiden. I was being nice and trying to show that I've moved on.

I knew I hadn't moved completely.

Not with the way she was sitting and the way her eyes would cast me gentle glances here and there.

"Change of scenery." She shrugged and laughed a little. "Kyla got a job offer and we were only supposed to be here for a few weeks while she settled in, but you know, we ended up falling in love with the city and here we are."

"New York's treated you good then?" I asked with a bit of apprehension. By 'New York', I meant him.

"Yea." Ashley nodded but this time she didn't smile. "What about you? LA's been good to you?"

I couldn't help but smile. She knew the game I was playing and she looked at me to see if I knew that. "Very much so."

She nodded again. "That's good Spence," she glanced at the clock, it was after eight. "Where is Carmen?"

"Going through old photos with Kyla," I laughed a little, "it's worse than the time my mom pulled out all of my old baby pictures to show her."

Ashley's head tilted as she frowned a bit. "Your mom?"

"Yea," I nodded and looked down slightly, "weird huh? My mom loves Carmen, my whole family does."

"Wow." She breathed. "That's good."

It was good.

"Are you happy?" Ashley broke the silence and I stared at her. I wasn't expecting that question thrown back at me. I wasn't sure how to answer that.

I bit my lip before I took a deep breath. "Carmen is amazing and I've spent the last four years of my life devoted to her. She loves me unconditionally and I couldn't be more grateful."

A slow smile was spreading across Ashley's face. It wasn't a mean one, it was just one of those 'I can see what you're doing' kind of smiles. I was being avoidant of her question. She knew it too – but she didn't push for a more specific answer.

"Big day tomorrow!" I stood up suddenly and clapped my hands together. "I should grab Carmen and head back to the hotel, let Kyla get her rest."

"Me too, actually." Ashley got up with me and helped me blow out all the candles before we made it into the hallway. "Thank you," she stopped me, her hand on my wrist. Her hand was on my wrist. Her skin was touching my skin and I couldn't help but allow the familiarity wash through me.

It was intense.

"For what?" I swallowed and immediately touched the spot on my wrist where she had just had her hand a few seconds ago.

"For checking up on me, lighting the candles," she paused before she sighed the last two words, "being nice."

I stood there silent for a few seconds and made a decision to ask her that question again. Something about her life was not adding up. She talked about her life as if it were her own and Aiden was just along for the ride. She never talked about her life as a wife. She never brought Aiden up at all unless I pressed the issue. Granted, she could be doing that to spare my feelings but I wasn't so sure. "Ashley, are you happy?"

Her brown eyes blinked a few times, stunned in her spot before she let out a desperate sigh. "Why do you want to know, Spence? After what I did, why do you care?"

"You're right, why do I care?" I shook my head and started to walk away from her but found myself turning around to face her again. "Why? Why did you choose him over me? What did Aiden give you that I didn't? You promised me you'd never let me feel what a heartache feels like and yet you were the very cause."

"Spencer…" Ashley frowned and stepped closer. I would've moved back if it weren't for the stairs being right there.

"I think I deserve at least the smallest explanation." I swallowed.

"Because I was stupid, okay? I let him get to me and because he was always there for me I knew it was safe. He was safe."

"So you didn't feel safe with me?" I frowned, crossing my arms over my chest.

"I know that at this moment, it won't make sense because honestly, it doesn't even make sense to me anymore," she leaned again the wall and slapped a hand on her thigh, "after the drive-by shooting at prom, after everything we went through… it just seemed like things changed."

"Things always change Ashley," I stressed, "that's life. You live it and move on."

I was preaching to the choir, wasn't I?

"I know but things got so intense after Clay…" She paused and cleared her throat, "…I just got scared."

I didn't want to hear anymore. It was all too real and too much and I needed to forget. "I am so sorry I asked."

"I'm not happy." She said quickly. "I haven't been for years. I know none of this matters to you and you probably don't even care but you asked."

I was suddenly grabbing her face in my hands, kissing her hard and pressing her against the wall with my body. Those talented fingers were threading through my impossibly long golden locks, tugging me closer to her as the kiss deepened. Her breathing growing shallow as my fingers began to trace her skin with familiarity, my lips whispering just how much I missed her, craved her and how I had thought about that very moment of having her in my arms again. The moment I had dreamed of.

I blinked. I couldn't do that though. In a matter of seconds the whole scene filtered through my mind as if it had happened.

I remained silent.

_Instead_, we stood there staring at each other in a silence. Neither of us knowing what to say next.

Laughter from downstairs reminded me that I had a life to live. Someone else to live for.

I stepped forward and pressed my lips to her ear, squeezing her right hand in my left. "Let me go." I stepped back and watched as she tilted her head slightly, frowning with sadness.

What Ashley had said next pretty much left me speechless. "I will if you will."

_I will if you will._

Could I?

Did I ever really let go?

--


	8. Carmen On My Mind

**7 - Carmen On My Mind**

**SPENCER**

"I know this can't be easy for you." Carmen placed her warm hand on my stomach, tracing circles around my belly button. Her chin was resting right above my naked breast, lips brushing the edge of my chin. "I'm proud of you though."

I bent my head and looked down at her through hazy eyes. It was early morning of the wedding and we were both used to waking up early to catch the waves or open the shop, so the time didn't bother me when I noticed it was not even five in the morning yet.

"Why are you proud of me?" I whispered, my fingers running through the silkiness of her hair.

"You're keeping things light Spence," she leaned up and hovered over me, her body sliding on top of mine comfortably, "this whole trip can not be easy for you. I mean, I can see it in your eyes the sorrow you still feel whenever you look at her, but you're handling it really well."

Oh Carmen. My sweet Carmen. "I have to admit that I'm a little scared." I closed my eyes briefly before looking up into the grey eyes that kept me safe.

Safe.

//

"_I think I deserve at least the smallest explanation." I swallowed._

"_Because I was stupid, okay? I let him get to me and because he was always there for me I knew it was safe. He was safe." _

"_So you didn't feel safe with me?" I frowned, crossing my arms over my chest._

//

Is this the kind of 'safe' feeling that Ashley was speaking of? Knowing that your heart could never be broken because you knew that the person you were with loved you unconditionally?

"Why are you scared?" Carmen asked and brushed a few stray hairs from my eyes. "You know you can tell me anything."

"I know," I murmured and traced her cheekbones before taking a deep breath, "she makes me feel things, Carm. Things that I wanted to forget for so long and yet, I can't. I can't stop picturing the past with her and I feel like a part of me is betraying you because of that."

Silence fell in the room and then Carmen moved on the hotel bed, lying on her back as she pulled me with her, so that I was now resting on top of her. "I've never had a heartache before," she whispered, wrapping her arms tight around my waist, "but I can tell you that I get it and I'm not angry. Ashley had your heart first and I know there'll be a part of you I'll never have," she sighed and cupped my face, "but I _have_ you _now_, Spencer."

"You are too good to be true," I whispered, rising up so I could see her face.

Hands slid around my neck and then her lips were on mine, soft and ready to explore the confines of my mouth. I sighed and moaned softly into the gentle touch, igniting my body into heat.

"Let's go shower and have an early breakfast, yea?" Carmen breathed against my parted lips.

"I thought we were about to eat?" I quirked an eyebrow and Carmen smirked, rolling me back over and kissing me hard and deep.

"Shower." She breathed and was off me in no time.

I allowed my mind to follow Carmen's naked form into the bathroom and soon retreated right after her.

--

Her hand held mine like I was the most breakable thing in her life. Her intimate touches were always so delicate and Carmen rarely got rough with me unless we both had a stressful day.

"How the hell can you be craving ice cream at eight in the morning?" I asked her in disbelief. "You should really get that checked out."

"Oh please!" Carmen laughed softly and tugged on my hand towards the ice cream shop we just passed. "Obviously I'm not the only crazy one if the shop is open this early."

I smirked; the lady did have a point. "Fine." I giggled as she dragged me into the black and white checkered ice cream parlor. "This is on me." I pulled a ten dollar bill out of my pocket and looked at her as she pondered which flavour she wanted.

"I think I want vanilla dipped in chocolate." Carmen smiled and I couldn't help but pull her in for a quick kiss. She was too cute sometimes. "You have to get a small cone, baby. Please?"

"Anything for you." I tapped her nose and ordered two small cones of vanilla dipped in chocolate ice cream.

"So when do you have to be at Kyla's?" Carmen asked, working on her cone.

I checked my watched and sighed. "An hour."

"If you want to leave right after the reception, we can. I don't mind changing our flights to an earlier one." She smiled softly, placing her hand over mine, stroking the skin softly.

"I guess we'll just see how this goes," I patted her hand and licked my ice cream slowly, "Ky wanted a brunch tomorrow before heading on her honeymoon. I'd hate to disappoint her seeing as she is basically throwing this for us. I never know when I'll see her again."

"Alright babe." Carmen smiled lightly and we finished the rest of our cones in silence.

After throwing our napkins away we made our way out the door. I stopped in my tracks when I noticed a couple acting love-y against a black BMW. The woman was a bleached blonde, wearing short work-out shorts and a tank top. Her hands were being held above her head as the guy she was with, kissed her repeatedly before opening the passenger door.

"Spence?" Carmen nudged me and looked at the couple as well, "Isn't that guy-"

"Aiden." I whispered and clenched my jaw. That two timing son of a fucking bitch.

"That's not Ashley!" Carmen hissed back.

"I guess karma's a bitch after all." The tone in my voice was a full of more malice than I would've liked but I couldn't help it. At the same time, the bastard making out with someone who wasn't his _wife_ pissed me off beyond belief. "Come on," I shook my head at the sight and grabbed Carmen's hand, taking off towards the hotel to get ready.

--

Carmen got ready in her black two piece pant suit. Just as she was putting on the last of her mascara, I came up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist where she still had her blazer open, exposing her bra and perfect skin. "You're going to make me poke an eye out with this," she teased and placed her make-up down. Turning around, she grabbed me and kissed me lightly. "Mmm," she hummed and pulled back, looking down at my ice blue spaghetti-strapped bridesmaid dress, "fuck Spence, you're perfect."

I blushed and licked my lips. "We're going to be late." I murmured against her lips.

Carmen nodded and ran her hands up and down my sides, looking me up and down once more before squeezing my hips. "You need to step back before Kyla kills me for ripping this dress right off your body," she growled softly.

I smirked at her and kissed her one last time before letting her go and grabbing my purse. "Kyla said I could keep this dress so if you can wait until _after_ the wedding, I won't complain."

A slow smile spread across my girlfriend's face as her grey eyes darkened even more. "Deal."

She finished getting ready and we made our way to Kyla's house.

I wasn't looking forward to facing Ashley or Aiden. Finding her husband with another woman still pissed me off but I was able to suppress it down and just _be_ with Carmen.

I owed that to her. She was my girlfriend and she wanted to be there for me – with me. She never questioned me and I knew she never would. She could trust me though, I knew that much.

I would never break Carmen's heart the way Ashley broke mine.

"Are you ready?" Carmen said as we pulled up in front of Kyla's house. Cars were parked all over the place and even though the wedding itself didn't start until two that afternoon, Julian insisted the immediate family and wedding party come for a coffee and then the women's hair would be getting done.

I nodded and Carmen squeezed my hand.

As soon as the house door closed behind us and we were swarmed with laughter and hugs, I felt a pair of warm eyes on me. I knew that stare and who it was.

Ashley.

I blinked as Aiden's arm was wrapped around her shoulders as he chatted with Julian's brother. She gave me a sad smile before her attention turned the conversation between her husband and the other man.

"Did you want a juice or something?" Carmen asked, brushing her lips across my cheek. I shook my head no and she smiled, "I'll be right back, I'm going to grab water."

I watched her form move through the small crowd. Her long dark straight hair flowing behind her as her lithe hips swayed gracefully.

I _could_ marry that woman.

I hoped after this weekend when we're back home that I could finally give Carmen an answer.

An answer that'll make us both happy.

One that I wouldn't regret.

--


	9. Pure And Undeserving

_**Just a quick note regarding the 'kiss' between Ashley and Spencer a couple of chapters ago. For those who didn't catch it, they didn't really kiss. It was simply a thought process in Spencer's mind of what she wanted to happen, but it never really did. Sorry for the confusion!**_

**8 - Pure & Undeserving**

**ASHLEY**

Her heart was the purest of them all. I've never met someone who gave so much to so many people and ask for nothing in return – especially at such a young age.

An age where you should be thinking of yourself, simply because you're trying to find where you fit in society; in your clique or your school.

I was the one always thinking of myself. Never caring if I hurt others just as long as my own feelings were safe from harmful words.

Maybe that's why she scared me so much. She would give and give and never ask for anything in return. She would give me space even when I never asked for it. She would allow me to spend the night at Aiden's because she knew we were the best of friends.

I never cheated on Spencer if that's what you're thinking. My nights with Aiden during high school were spent talking and listening to music or reading in silence. We almost kissed once but I knew I couldn't just sweep Spencer out of my mind like that.

Like I said, her heart was the purest of them all and she'd never hurt anyone.

Including me.

So when I decided to save myself with the safety of _his_ arms, I really made a mistake.

I had left for Europe at the worst timing in Spencer's life. She had just lost her brother, Clay, after the drive-by shooting and even though she told me to go and enjoy the time with my mom, I should've stayed. I should've been there for her.

Instead I listened to her but I never returned her phone calls. I was so confused and lost and young and clearly very stupid. By the time I had returned, things just felt different. Aiden met me at the airport when my plane landed and I guess you could say that was the day I made my decision, so to speak.

Spencer found out I was home three days after I had returned.

--

"_Let me guess, you forgot to call me." Spencer's voice sounded behind me as she stood in the large kitchen of my house. I spun around with a wooden spoon in my hand, staring at her. I hadn't seen her in three months and she was breathtaking as always. Only she was thinner, her hair was layered and she wore tighter clothing. _

"_Hey," I put down the spoon and turned the element down on the stove, "uh, how are you?"_

"_How am I?" Spencer asked with anger in her voice. "Kyla just got back from Baltimore today and she called me to let me know she was home safely. She continued to tell me that you were home a few days ago and asked if I talked to you…" She slumped her shoulders a bit and I closed my eyes tightly._

"_Look Spence, I-"_

"_Spencer." She corrected._

_I swallowed and chewed on my bottom lip. Her eyes were broken. So broken and unreadable. I offered her a drink but she declined. _

"_Well?" Spencer broke the silence and stepped closer. "And please don't feed me any bullshit, I don't think my heart can take any more of your lies." She pleaded._

"_I," I inhaled, "I was over at Aiden's."_

"_Figures." Spencer choked out and stood there, playing with her fingers. "Figures you'd run to him. Figures he'd be the first to know the exact time you returned. You never called me once while you were in Europe, God Ashley, do you even know the hell I went through this past summer? We went back to Ohio to bury Clay and the one person I needed most, wasn't even there when I needed her."_

"_Spencer…"_

"_YES! That's my fucking name! Do you have anything else you want to say besides my name because I'm really getting sick of hearing it spill from your poisoned lips." Spencer cried and hugged herself. _

_I caused that._

_I caused those tears that slipped from those beautiful baby blues._

_Me._

"_I didn't know what to say." I whispered._

"_You didn't have to say __**anything**__! If I just knew you were there, hearing your breathing in the other end of that phone that would've been plenty. That would've been enough to know that you cared; that you loved me."_

"_Sp-" I sighed as she glared at me. "I do love you."  
_

"_It'd be nice if you proved it. Silence for three whole months is love? Right. You must really hate Aiden then seeing as you talked to him every single night!" Spencer screamed._

"_Calm down!" I shouted and wiped my hands on my jeans. "I can't deal with this right now." I was being my old self and pitying only me and sparing my own feelings._

"_Deal with what? Deal with me?" Spencer said in a shocked hurt tone._

"_Yes." I said almost bitterly. I didn't mean it though._

"_Ash…" Spencer stepped back and wrung her hands. A thing she did when she was nervous and on the verge of a panic attack. "Did- did you decide?"_

_Decide. _

_Spencer or Aiden._

"_Aiden's going to be here in a few minutes, can we talk about this later?" I asked, getting back to my cooking._

"_You know," Spencer said in a gravely tone, "it's really nice to see you have fucking balls Ashley. You can't even break up with me properly. It's good to know the one person I completely gave myself to can't even give me the decency to mend the heart that you so graciously trashed."_

_I was so scared. I just wanted to stop it all. I needed time._

"_I think I'm in love with him and I just think I'm better off with Aide-"_

"_Save it." She seethed and was out the door in a matter of seconds._

--

That was the last thing I had heard from her until the night before when I showed up at Kyla's.

To see Spencer again was like seeing that one shooting star but never wishing on it because you were mesmerized by the sight and just when you blinked, it was gone.

I was scared to blink.

I was so scared to blink because after all those years of trying to convince myself that marrying Aiden was the right thing to do; choosing Aiden over her was the right thing to do, I didn't want her to disappear again.

We all make stupid mistakes. Some of us won't admit it. Some of us forget and move on.

I made a mistake, I admit it and I've never moved on. I lived life as a wife and I worked to make the money that I earned but there wasn't a day that went by without her running through my mind.

Her last words haunted me. 'Save it.'

Believe it or not I did try to call her later on that day. She never answered and I couldn't blame her. I pretty much ripped her heart out and stomped on it by mentioning Aiden's name in that conversation or confessing a false love just because _I_ was scared to take an honest chance.

Aiden was someone I wanted to have in my life. I wanted him to make me feel safe and loved like he always had done. I was scared that I'd lose the only old sense of familiarity if I had chosen Spencer. He was my family. He pretty much anchored me and understood who I was and what I was about.

I never even gave Spencer the chance to fulfill that role. I guess I didn't trust her enough. I wasn't sure.

When he asked me to marry him, I pretty much said no at first. I didn't want to marry him and be in a binding relationship that really didn't have a long future in my eyes. He asked me again a few months later and I finally gave in. I was lost and confused and yet he still made me feel safe.

Safe.

Safe.

That's it.

I never felt that spark that I had felt with Spencer. I had never felt the tenderness in his kisses like hers; or the touches that would burn my skin for _days_ after she'd worship my body.

I was stuck in a loveless marriage and my pride got in the way for the longest time to end it.

"Ash, you want a drink?" Aiden asked me as he excused himself from his conversation with Julian's brother.

"No thanks." I muttered and he leaned in to kiss my cheek. I moved before his lips hit my skin.

I could smell her on him and even though I didn't care what he did with his 'girlfriend', I didn't want him kissing me. At all.

I glanced over at the blonde standing alone as she took in the small breakfast crowd. Her hair was down, cascading over her perfect shoulders, reaching about four inches below her breasts. She was the vision of perfect beauty.

I cleared my throat and politely excused myself, making my way towards her. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Carmen was already on her way back from the kitchen. I stopped and turned to face another small group of people talking, all the while my eyes were on them.

Carmen handed Spencer the bottle of water and smiled, wrapping an arm around her slim waist while whispering something in her ear. That's when Spencer's eyes snapped to mine and I was caught looking. I bowed my head briefly, giving them an honest smile before closing the distance between myself and the couple. "You two look really good."

Carmen smiled and thanked me. Spencer nodded her head and 'you too' fell from her lips.

"Where's the bride?" The other brunette asked.

I pointed upstairs. "Her mom is helping her get ready and calm her nerves. Little sis is getting cold feet."

"Maybe we should go help?" Spencer questioned, looking up at the empty staircase before glancing back at me.

"I think she'll be fine," I shrugged, "besides she requested we all stay down here until the make-up and hair stylist show up."

There was a silence in the air before Spencer coughed slightly and swallowed. "I'm just going to go to the washroom quickly, I'll be right back." She licked her lips and gave Carmen a kiss. A kiss that was soft and endearing and when she left her girlfriend's arms, she never made eye contact with me.

Carmen took a sip of her water before adjusting her black tie. "You would think I'd find this awkward," she chuckled softly and looked at me.

I tilted my head and laughed. "Yea, I think I actually do find it awkward." I admitted softly and leaned against the old desk, looking at the crowd while standing beside Carmen. "Four years, huh?"

Carmen nodded and crossed her arms over her chest while placing the bottle beside her. "Spencer's an amazing woman and there is nothing in this world that I wouldn't give her."

I swallowed and nodded slowly.

"Ashley, you have to understand something," she spoke softly, "Spencer's never really gotten over you and as much as I hate it, I know she's still struggling with the heartache. I may have been there for her over the past four years but you've always been _with_ her for much longer than that."

My head spun at the information and I wondered why Carmen was revealing it.

"I'm not saying this to you because I think she's going to leave me, I'm just letting you know that she's pretty fragile when it comes to you and she's trying so hard to move on." Carmen's voice was smooth and full of that protective love.

I looked at her and give her a half smile, shrugging my shoulders. "I'm not about to sweep your girl from under your feet," I raised my left hand, "I'm kind of married."

Carmen only nodded and picked up the water bottle. "I don't feel threatened by _you_. I'm not worried about it because even if Spencer decided right now that she wanted you back in her life," she paused and pushed herself off the wall, stepping ahead slightly with her back facing me, "at least I know my love for her is not a lie or a mistake."

I blinked and watched Carmen walk away from me and towards Spencer, who was making her way back towards us. The brunette was the one who was being wrapped up in Spencer's arms as they shared another kiss.

"Here," Aiden handed me a drink and I looked up at him while he shoved the juice in my hands.

"I didn't want this." I shoved it back and he sighed.

"You really need to stop acting like a bitch," he whispered and gave a few people a fake smile.

"You really need to stop acting like a douche," I countered and kept my eyes on Spencer and Carmen, who were being thrown into a conversation with Julian and his mother.

I could tell Aiden was following my gaze and then he snorted a little. "Must be hard on you," he handed the juice back to me, "watching your mistake unfold in front of your very eyes while she opened her heart to someone who wasn't you."

"Fuck off Aiden," I hissed at my husband and shoved the juice back in his hand, "I'm happy for her."

And I was. Spencer could smile without me and she could share those intimate PDA moments with someone else and she laughed without me being the one to make her to do so.

I was happy for her.

I never was good enough for her and even though I think I've matured, I knew that she didn't need the confusion again. That she should live her life happy and in love with someone who would never hurt her the way I did.

--


	10. A Comfort So Old

**9 - A Comfort So Old**

**ASHLEY**

"You know if you keep staring at her, Carmen's going to beat your ass." Kyla whispered in my ear as we entered the church.

"She's too sweet," I whispered back and glanced over at the couple again, "besides it's not my fault they make like, the world's sexiest couple."

I had to admit that they pretty much did. Spencer was wearing her ice blue bridesmaid dress that was fitted perfectly to cling in all the right places and Carmen was wearing a black pant suit that fit her just as perfect, topping it off with a loose tie. They walked around like the couple of the year, sharing glances and smiles as people would compliment them.

Kyla found herself being whisked away by one of her cousins because Julian and the guys were on their way.

My feet led me towards the stunning couple and they smiled at me. "I think you two could possibly steal the spotlight away from the bride and groom." I teased lightly and Spencer's eyes caught mine with a slight blush. "You compliment each other well."

I was trying to prove that I could be the bigger person. Well at least be a bigger person versus the old me. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous over the fact that Spencer could smile and laugh with someone else; but I wasn't going to show it and I wasn't going to act on it. I wasn't blind, I could see the love that Carmen gave her and it'd be bad of me to take that away.

"Thank you," Carmen smiled and her eyes looked passed me. I felt someone behind me and then lips on my bare shoulder. I stiffened and felt his masculine hand slide around my waist, pressing me against him.

"Kyla's asking for you two," Aiden said as he gave me a squeeze that lacked affection. Spencer's eyes drifted down to his hand and then to my face. I had to smile. I already confessed I wasn't happy but I couldn't really let her _see_ that.

"Go." I heard Carmen whisper to Spencer and she gently pushed her towards me. "I'll be sitting and waiting to watch you walk down that aisle." I noticed the way she said those words to the beautiful blonde. I realized that it had more meaning behind it.

Aiden's arm let me go before he gave my temple a kiss and took off to help Carmen find a seat.

Spencer stood in front of me with a raised eyebrow. "Are we going?" She pointed towards one of the back rooms and I cleared my throat, moving to the side. She walked beside me slowly and her glances were obvious so I smiled softly.

"Everything okay? Do I have something on my face?"

Spencer's laugh was gentle as she shook her head. "No, I'm just admiring." She confessed and looked ahead before she turned around and stopped me in my tracks. "So, you and Aiden look good too."

I mustered up a good smile and nodded. "Thank you."

I could tell by the look in her eye that she wanted to say something else. Her eyes darted from me and back towards where Aiden had disappeared with Carmen. I frowned and bit my lip, "are you sure everything's okay, Spencer?"

Blues eyes looked at me and she sighed heavily. "I'm fine, everything is okay." She stepped a little ahead of me and I couldn't help but just follow.

"Do you think I'm doing the right thing?" Kyla rushed out and grabbed my hands. "Oh God, am I making a mistake? Ash," she panicked.

Spencer chuckled and pulled my sister in for a hug before pulling back and cupping her face. "Do you love Julian?" She asked and I tilted my head at the tenderness of her voice. Kyla nodded her head and wrung her hands like Spencer did when she was nervous. "Say it."

"I love Julian." Kyla said in the most confident way and I smiled. "I really do."

"Good," Spencer gripped her shoulders and licked her lips, "if you close your eyes, can you imagine your life without him?"

I subconsciously closed my eyes and looked back at my life without her. I survived it but barely.

"No." Kyla whispered.

"When he asked you to marry him, did you hesitate?" Spencer glanced at me briefly and I averted my eyes.

"Not even a nano second." Kyla smiled as if she were remembering the moment Julian proposed to her.

"Ky," Spencer pressed her forehead to the shorter brunette's and smiled, "you love the guy, you can't live without the guy and you never hesitated the moment he asked you to become all of his world," she paused and kissed the tip of her nose, "I think it's safe to say you're not making a mistake. You're scared and nervous and that is completely understandable."

"Wow," my sister laughed and looked at me, "I think Spencer's my new big sister Ash, you're seriously slacking."

I couldn't help but smile and stepped forward, bringing my own arms around her. "You're going to be fine, lil sis." I whispered in her ear. My eyes caught Spencer's and we shared a smile.

"Spencer, are you sure you and Carmen aren't married?" Kyla whirled around. "Your little speech was amazing and calmed my nerves immensely."

Spencer eyed me and shrugged, shaking her head slightly. "No, we're not married," she said softly but looked towards the area where her girlfriend was, "maybe, just maybe someday though."

My heart constricted in my chest as those words were spoken from her. I bit my tongue and fought down any other feelings than happiness for her.

"Are you ladies ready?" Mrs. Woods smiled at us and Michael came running in with Kyla's little cousin, Sarah.

"Ky, can we please have ice cream after this?" Sarah twirled around in her flower girl dress that resembled the bride's dress.

"Later," Mrs. Woods ushered the little ones out of the room and turned to look at us, "places," she smiled and Kyla squealed; only it was a happier one.

The music started to play and since it was just Spencer and I walking down the aisle behind the little flower girl and ring bearer, we were asked to walk side by side. I held my bouquet in my hands tightly as we took our first step out onto the rolled out carpet.

"I'd laugh if you tripped." She whispered out of nowhere and I couldn't help but crack a grin.

"I'll just take you down with me." I whispered back and we shared another one of the meaningful glances _briefly._

Time could've stood still in that moment for me. I was having a _moment_ with Spencer and it felt really good. I knew that it didn't mean much at all and I knew that whatever was being said from her was more of a barrier so that we wouldn't fall back into the heartache she was feeling. I didn't want to ruin any of the smiles she was sharing with me though.

I looked ahead as we made it closer to the front where Julian stood with his brother and Aiden. Julian's blonde shaggy hair was perfectly slicked back and his green eyes stood out perfectly as he fidgeted with his tie while waiting for his future wife. Mike, Julian's twin brother stood beside him confidently and he smiled at me then at Spencer.

Aiden glanced at me but our eyes never lingered. Not the way they did when I shared the same gaze with the blonde beside me.

Taking our places, Spencer looked at Aiden and squinted her eyes before she looked down. It was a look of pain and sorrow. One that I didn't quite understand but it wasn't the time to ask her about it.

The music for the bride was playing and everyone stood up and turned to face the back of the church. Kyla started her journey down the aisle.

I was there once and it wasn't anything like her wedding. My wedding was small and short. We never shared a real honeymoon and there was no reception afterwards. Aiden and I spent our first night together at our new home on our wedding night. Nothing special.

Spencer's arm brushed against mine momentarily and I ripped my gaze from my beautiful sister to meet deep blue. She smiled and then looked back at Kyla.

For the very first time since my reunion with Spencer, I felt comfortable.

I felt like I was in high school again where we were in the middle of a school assembly and her hand would find my arm, her fingers brushing across my skin just to let me know she was thinking about me.

If only I hadn't screwed things up the first time around, we'd be in the same situation; only this time:

Spencer would be mine.

--


	11. With Smiling Eyes, She Weeps

**_May take a while but eventually you'll see the greatness that happens with Carmen's love for Spencer. Trust me, you won't be disappointed. She's really not a bad character, I swear!_**

**10 - With Smiling Eyes – She Weeps**

**SPENCER**

Julian and Kyla's home was packed full of friends and family members. We weren't allowed to change until later before the reception and I was feeling uncomfortable in the dress.

"Pictures need to be taken yet." Carmen leaned back against the counter of the less crowded room. She poked me in the stomach while I fidgeted with the straps and grinned. "You looked really good up there today."

"Yea?" I grinned goofily with my eyebrows raised. "I was nothing compared to Kyla though."

Carmen nodded, "true."

"Hey!" I snickered and she pulled me in for a kiss, my hands splayed against her shoulders.

"Um," we both turned to find Ashley standing there, holding up a digital camera, "Kyla's gathering everyone from the party for pictures in the back yard."

"Oh." I eased myself out of my girlfriend's arm and squeezed her hand. "I'll be back."

Carmen nodded and I could feel her eyes on me as I walked out the back door behind Ashley.

"I thought Julian hired a professional photographer?" I asked when I noticed Ashley was setting up her own tri-pod.

"He did," she shrugged and turned to look back at me, "but I've got sister privileges," she winked and went back to setting up the timer.

The whole wedding party found themselves under the huge willow tree in the back of the yard, taking endless and countless pictures. Then it was the bride with her side of the party, moving on to the men.

Just when I thought that hour was up and I could run and grab my own pair of clothes, Kyla pulled me aside and looked back to see if someone was coming. I was guessing Ashley by the way she started to whisper in a lowered voice, "Would you mind if I get one more picture?"

I laughed. "It's your wedding and your pictures," I shrugged, "of course I don't mind."

"Really?" Her eyes widened with a huge grin spreading across her face. She had that twinkle in her eye and I started to regret my agreement.

"I'm not really going to streak you know," I said seriously and she burst into laughter. In high school I told her if she got married before me, I promised to streak through it but we both knew I wasn't serious.

"However hot that would actually be, I wasn't thinking about that." Kyla grabbed my hand and I noticed Carmen standing with some other people, talking and laughing. Her glances over at me were subtle but I knew. I smiled and she gave me a flirty wave.

As we passed the patio, Kyla grabbed Ashley from Julian's brother and shoved us against the tree. "Perfect." She nodded and yelled at the photographer that we were ready.

Ashley and I shared quizzical looks but before we could say anything, Kyla had us standing towards each other, holding hands and looking towards the camera. "You two are my best girls, my best friends and it meant a lot to me that you both set aside all of your differences and pain to make this day perfect for me," she kissed us each on the cheek, "I want to remember this moment for the rest of my life so please just take the damn picture?"

I was the first to crack a grin, followed by Ashley, who squeezed my hands in hers. "Anything for you lil sis," she nodded and Kyla clapped her hands, squealing.

Ashley and I looked at each other for a small moment before we turned to look into the camera. We smiled because we were proud of Kyla, we smiled because the moment was to be cherished and locked away in another memory book of me and Ashley.

--

"Oh God," I moaned happily as I sat in the back yard, stretching out on the lawn chair in my jeans and buttoned up blouse, "it feels good to have clothes on."

Ashley chuckled and sat in the one chair beside me. I knew what she was thinking and threw an ice cube at her. "I never said a thing!"

"I still know what you were thinking." I smiled and closed my eyes, leaning my head back at the sun that was getting ready to set. Everyone else was already heading over to the large hall they rented for the dinner and reception but Kyla asked us to stay behind until she and Julian were ready to go.

"Looks like your girl and Kyla hit it off pretty good," Ashley nodded towards the house, where Carmen and Kyla sat on the bar stools, laughing and talking about I don't know what.

"Carmen's pretty likable." I smiled and went back to closing my eyes, loving the feel of the warm breeze whispering across my skin. "So where's Aiden?" I hadn't seen him for an hour and Ashley didn't exactly seem that concerned either.

"He went out to do something," I felt her shift in her chair and I looked over at her. She shrugged and looked back over at me, "he should be back in time for the dinner."

I swallowed and sat up, taking the clip out of my hair and letting it fall down my back. I was fighting with what was on mind and didn't know if I should tell Ashley what I had witnessed earlier that morning with her husband. Was it really my place to say?

"Um, Ash?" I swung my legs around and faced her, resting my hands on my jeans. I had her attention and scratched my chin before trying to figure out the best way to approach the subject. "I'm not saying this to make it seem like I'm butting my nose into something that's frankly none of my business," her brown eyes stared at me with curiosity and it was enough for me to continue, "I just, you know, kind know how it feels and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone..."

"Is everything okay?" Ashley's face etched with concern and her hand grabbed my knee gently.

I took a deep breath, "This morning when Carmen and I were out for breakfast we kind of saw Aiden with-"

"Cora." She said her name as if it were the most natural thing in the world. At my confused look she smiled, "was she a blonde with big giant circus boobs?"

"Uh," I cleared my throat, "I wasn't really looking at her boobs?"

Her husky laugh caught me off guard and when she found that I wasn't laughing with her she straightened and tucked some hair behind her ears. "Cora and Aiden have been seeing each other for about two months now," she shrugged, "he was her trainer."

"Oh God Ash," I frowned even more and tried to wrap my mind around the oddly reversed situation, "why didn't you say anything?"

"It's Kyla's big day!" Ashley sighed with a soft smile. "Aiden and I agreed to wait out the news until after today," she shrugged, "he is one of Julian's best friends and we didn't want those two to find it awkward."

"So wait," I closed my eyes and looked back over at the house, where Carmen and Kyla were still talking, "you and Aiden are no longer together?"

"He's free to do what he wants." She murmured with a sense of relief. "He's being a pain in my ass though."

"Why is that?" I tilted my head and watched as she scowled, her nose crinkling up briefly.

"He's dragging out the divorce longer than he has too," she blew some hair out of her face and bit her nails slightly, "he's trying to get to my inheritance money, even after he signed a prenuptial agreement."

"Bastard." Was the only word that fell from my lips before we both burst into laughter. After it died down, I looked out at the trees that were gently lined up in Kyla's backyard before turning to her again, "so, you two still live together?"

"I have the top half, Aiden has the bottom." Ashley smiled and stood up, holding out her hand for me. "I'm sorry I never told you sooner," she apologized as we walked back towards the house, "I just didn't think you'd want to hear it."

"It's your business," I said softly and shrugged, squeezing her hand before I let go, "but I'm just glad you're able to start fresh. With the wedding done and out of the way, hopefully you can move on to better things," I paused, "and people."

"Ha, funny Carlin." Ashley pointed at me with a smirk.

"There you two are," Kyla spotted us in the backyard and waved us in, "we're heading to the hall now."

Ashley smiled at me before walking ahead with her sister through the house. I locked the patio door behind me and then felt arms sliding around my neck as fingers idly played with the top button of my shirt. "It looks like you two are getting along."

I turned to face Carmen, placing my hands on her cheeks and smiled softly. "We're trying."

"Good," Carmen nodded with a light smile, "I can actually see the smile in your eyes now."

I don't know why that hurt me but it did. I loved Carmen so much and I wanted to be so happy with her. She was the reason I got out of bed every day. She was the reason I smiled and she was the reason I was here, trying to close that part of my heart off that Ashley still, clearly, possessed. I didn't want any more confusion. I don't think I could handle it and I was never, ever, going to break Carmen's heart the way mine was done.

"I always smile when I'm with you," I whispered and smoothed my hands down her neck, gripping her loose tie in my hands.

She chuckled throatily and nodded her head sincerely, "I know that Spence," she tugged on my shirt and I found my body against hers, "I love you."

--


	12. I'll Sing It One Last Time

**The title of this chapter was inspired by Snow Patrol's: Run. **

**11 - I'll Sing It One Last Time**

**ASHLEY**

There are simple things in life that you would normally take for granted. A certain taste of food, or a smell or the smaller things like a look you receive from a friend and yet it matters more than anything in the world.

I took Spencer for granted. I allowed her to give me her heart and never gave mine back in return. I know a part of me did but I never let her know that.

I wanted to get closer to the blonde even though I knew I shouldn't. She was in a good place and I couldn't take that away from her. I just wanted to be friends, keep in touch, maybe if I were back in LA, we could go for a coffee. But I also knew things weren't that simple, not when it came to us anyway.

Carmen was perfect for her. She was beautiful, charming and most of all, she showed Spencer that she loved her and never gave her a reason to doubt that. I watched as she danced on the dance floor in her white buttoned up shirt with her suspenders hanging slightly off her shoulders. Her brown hair was down and flowing with every move she made. Spencer's hand occupying her slim waist was the one thing that caught my attention. It squeezed and relaxed as they moved their hips together; laughing _together._

"Are we going to dance or what?" Kyla stepped beside me and I tore my gaze away from the couple.

"Sure." I smiled weakly and Kyla noticed it. "What?"

"Where's Aiden?" She asked, looking around the hall where a lot of drunk people were dancing.

"He'll be here." I nodded and stood up.

"He already missed the dinner, Julian's not exactly happy about that." Kyla frowned and glanced at her new husband, waving at him shyly.

"I don't have him on a leash," I shrugged and looped my arm through hers, "come on, let's show these ladies how it's done."

Kyla smiled but I knew she wanted to ask me more about Aiden. We really did try and hide the tension well in front of people, Aiden and I, but sometimes the bitterness of the divorce prevented us from doing so. I was rarely home when he was and vice versa.

Aiden came clean about his affair with Cora right after it happened. I was upset but not because I loved the guy and felt hurt, I just knew at that moment that everything I had decided to do with him was a mistake. I was angry at myself for marrying him in the first place when he knew I didn't want it. He also knew I had a lot of money and didn't want to give that up.

We were both pretty petty and selfish in the relationship. I wanted to try and make myself believe that I _did_ want to be with him and that I was _in _love with him, but I knew deep down that wasn't true.

There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think of Spencer. I'd ask Kyla if she talked to her and for a while there, she would give me some insight in the blonde's life. She never did tell me about Carmen though. I guess I really didn't have a right to know.

Not after how everything ended.

"It's a slow song!" Kyla smiled and noticed her husband was dancing with one of her cousins. "Dance?" She held out her hand and pulled me forward, glancing at Spencer and Carmen, who were right beside us. "You have to let her go." She whispered.

I frowned and shuffled us away from the couple a little more. "What?"

"I see the way you look at her, Ash," Kyla sighed and played with my hair, "you have to let her go or else you'll confuse the poor thing."

"I'm not doing anything." I hissed and scowled. I wasn't doing anything, not that I was aware of.

"May I cut in?" Carmen's voice broke us out of our silent staring contest and Kyla smiled as she took Carmen's hand. "Spence would like to dance with you." She looked at me and I immediately found Spencer's eyes. I nodded my head towards her girlfriend politely before stepping up towards the gorgeous woman in front of me.

"Hey," I said nervously and we stood there looking at each other before she shook her head with a soft laugh and pulled me into her arms. I found my arms draped around her neck and her warm hands on my hips. "Enjoying your night?"

Spencer smiled and ducked her head slightly. "I really am."

"Good." I smiled as we swayed in silence. The instrumental music filling in the awkward space of air.

"I'm sorry Aiden never made it for the dinner." Spencer said sadly and sincerely. I shook my head and gave her a soft smile.

"It doesn't bother me Spence," I clasped my hands behind her neck and raised an eyebrow, "I'm not hurt over it."

She pulled back slightly, "really?" I nodded and she made a face. "Your husband cheats on you and you're okay with that?"

"It's not about being okay with it, of course I was upset about it at first but I get it." I sighed.

"You would." Spencer swallowed and I pushed that deep down, trying hard not to feel the sting that her two words caused. Her fingers dug into me a little more and she breathed an apology. "I didn't mean that."

"You did," I smiled sadly, "but it's okay."

"So…" she gripped me tighter but let her grip go just as quickly, licking her lips.

I subconsciously started to play with the fine hairs the on the back of her neck, remembering just how much she loved that. Her eyes fluttered closed briefly before they opened again, a darker blue making an appearance. "Spence?" I frowned when she let me go and shook her head.

"I can't." She said more to herself then me or anyone else near us. "I need fresh air." She breathed and then she was gone.

I captured Carmen's eyes on me and she didn't look pissed. She looked concerned and then she was out the door following her girlfriend.

"What did you do?" Kyla asked, pointing towards the exit.

"Nothing!" I hissed back and bit my nails. "We were talking and then, God Ky, I don't know!"

"Let her let go!" Kyla stormed off and I felt eyes on me.

Let her let go.

I made my way off the dance floor and found my seat next to Julian's brother. We sat there, nothing was said between us.

It seemed like forever had passed before I spotted Carmen and Spencer walk back in, hand in hand. They broke off and I stood up abruptly, watching Spencer walk towards me as Carmen went straight towards the bar.

"Spencer, I'm so sor-" She stopped me with two fingers on my lips.

"That wasn't your fault." Spencer shrugged and grabbed my wrist, tugging me outside where the air was warm. "I can't do this with you," she confessed, jumping the gun. Her voice wavered a bit and all I wanted to do was hold her.

"What do you mean?"

"This!" She waved her hands around us. "This Ashley, you and me, I can't. I thought I could but," she looked defeated, "I can't."

My heart was on the floor and I knew it deserved to be there. "What do you want me to say?"

"That you don't love me anymore!" Spencer cried and started to pace back and forth.

"Spencer," I watched her feet as the shuffled against the pavement and then they stopped. My eyes slowly dragged up her fitting jeans, her toned stomach that was defined beneath the tight tank top she was wearing, up her gracious neck and into the bottomless blue eyes that held me forever.

"Ash," she put her face in her hands and her shoulders shook, "just tell me you don't love me, please?" Spencer looked at me with pleading watery eyes and I closed mine, taking a deep breath.

"I," I swallowed and clenched my fists together tightly, biting my lip as I watched her watch me with desperate eyes. I could lie to her and make it easy for her. "No," I lied, choking out the answer, "I don't love you anymore."

I heard harsh footsteps coming closer before I felt a hard sting across my cheek. Her sobs were deafening and I stared at her as the side of my face stung. Her blue eyes were clouded with her tears; pain that I had caused yet again.

"You lie!" Spencer shook her head. "You love me and once again you can't even admit it!"

"Fine!" I yelled back and glared at her but not in a mean way. My glare was one of longing, one filled with mistakes I've made and are living with. "I love you okay? I've never stopped loving you, Spencer. Every night that we spent apart it was great because you were in my dreams but every morning when I woke up it sucked because you wouldn't be there!"

Spencer's bottom lip began to quiver and she ran her fingers in her hair, tugging as if she were highly frustrated. "Ahh!" She screamed as she looked up towards the sky, her chest heaving. "Do you know how long I've wanted to hear you say that you love me? How many nights I've dreamed of those three words falling from your lips?" She laughed hysterically and glanced around the parking lot before her shoulders fell. "Carmen is in there right now," she pointed with tears streaming down her face and all I could do was stand there, staring at her quietly as she let it all out, "she is in there right now knowing exactly what we're doing out here."

"What are we doing?" I whispered, scared to raise my voice again.

"I want you to finally leave me alone!" Spencer sighed heavily. "So much of you is inside of me and I just want it all to be gone. I _want_ to be happy with Carmen, I really do. But when you're the one I think about, when you're the one that shares my dreams, it's hard. You haunt me Ashley, you haunt me and I-"

"Then go." I nodded towards the door. "I'll leave and you go back in there, enjoy yourself and forget about me."

"Cause that really worked out well the first time!" She shook her head and wrung her hands before blinking back a new set of tears.

I wasn't holding back anymore. My own tears flowed freely as I watched the one woman I was in love with, crumble in front of my very eyes. "Spencer," I choked out and enveloped her in my arms. "Spence," I whispered again, cupping her face, "I think it's time we just go our separate ways for good," and she nodded, "as much as it'll hurt for me to walk away from you again, if this is what you need…"

"I just can't handle this heartache," Spencer clutched at my shoulders, her forehead pressed against mine, "I can't."

"I've caused you enough heartache." I sniffled and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I won't be that person again."

"You know what sucks?" Spencer whispered between hiccups. "That I'm still yours." Her long eyelashes flicked upwards and I felt my heart skip a few beats. "No matter what Ashley, you'll always have a part of me that no one could ever touch."

I didn't know what to say. I licked my lips and she proceeded to mirror my own actions by brushing tears away from my cheeks. "So," I breathed shakily, "this is it."

Spencer nodded and wound her fingers in my hair, pressing her lips against mine. They parted but the kiss never deepened. Her bottom lip rested between mine as they moved so gently, so slowly and I knew it was nothing more than 'goodbye'. But it felt so fucking good to kiss her again. I clutched her face in my hands, following her own actions. I didn't want to let go.

But I knew I had too.

Her eyes were closed tightly as her forehead rested against mine before she took in a deep shaky breath and pushed herself away from me. She couldn't bring her eyes to look at me as she walked away.

I watched as she walked away from me. No words needed to be said that already weren't. She was gone. And she took my heart with her.

Again.

--


	13. She Was

**Notes:** _Basically this set up in the same setting as the previous chapter, only in Spencer's PoV._

_**Previously (Ashley's PoV)**__:_

_I subconsciously started to play with the fine hairs the on the back of her neck, remembering just how much she loved that. Her eyes fluttered closed briefly before they opened again, a darker blue making an appearance. "Spence?" I frowned when she let me go and shook her head._

_"I can't." She said more to herself then me or anyone else near us. "I need fresh air." She breathed and then she was gone._

_I captured Carmen's eyes on me and she didn't look pissed. She looked concerned and then she was out the door following her girlfriend._

_-- -- -- --_

"_I just can't handle this heartache," Spencer clutched at my shoulders, her forehead pressed against mine, "I can't."_

_"I've caused you enough heartache." I sniffled and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I won't be that person again."_

**12 - She Was**

**SPENCER**

I rushed out of the hall as fast as I could. Away from Ashley; away from _everything_ she was making me feel. They way her hand felt on the back of my neck, only she knew how to calm me by playing with the fine hairs. Only _she_ knew that it was the most calming feeling in the world.

I was starting to fall over the edge that I so desperately grasped onto. Ashley was my waterfall and I did not want to fall again. I didn't want to hit that bottom and feel this pain again. But I was so close to losing grip with every second I was around her.

"Babe?" Carmen came chasing after me and I leaned over, trying to catch my breath. "Hey Spence, are you okay?"

I shook my head and tried to stop the tears that were spilling out. "I'm so sorry," I finally stood up and wrapped my arms around Carmen, holding onto her with every ounce of strength I had left in me. "This is not fair to you," I sobbed into her neck, "you deserve-"

"Don't." Carmen pushed me back and held onto my shoulders, staring at me with those grey eyes that were full of love and understanding. "I deserve you," she whispered, "I deserve to be the one to hold you when you cry, to love you with everything I am. You may not feel the exact same," she sighed and bit her lip, "but I know you love me."

"It's just she makes me feel like I did when I was with her." I cried softly. "Carmen, why can't I get over her?"

"I don't know, Spence." She shrugged and pulled me back in for another hug. "You're still in love with her, at least a part of you is." She soothed and ran her fingers through my hair while she hugged me.

"How are putting up with this?" I asked quietly.

"Patience." Carmen smiled and pulled back, cupping my face. "I love you and I want to be with you. After seeing how you two are together, when you're around each other, I know it's very clear that you're not over her," she smiled sadly, "but with a body like hers, how can I be upset?"

"Carmen!" I smacked her arm and she laughed, entwining our fingers together.

"Seriously Spence," her voice went serious, "what do you want?"

I raised my eyebrow at her and then frowned. "What do I want?"

"Yea," Carmen smiled softly and tapped lightly on my chest, "you. What do you want?"

"I want," I stopped for a moment, knowing that the hesitation would give her an inner body heart attack but I was tired of fighting. I knew what I wanted. I wanted to let go. I wanted a fresh start. I wanted to give my whole heart to Carmen, "you." I whispered.

Carmen's face flashed from being worried to relief. "Really?" She was asking me because I knew she needed to hear it again. I wasn't exactly showing her lately. I was too involved with Ashley, which happened when I was around her.

"Yea," I murmured and wiped my eyes before cupping her face, "let's go home. Let's just, leave."

"Yea?" Carmen's smile was wider now and I nodded but not smiling as wide as I knew she'd like me too. "Okay, let's go say goodbye to everyone."

"I need to talk with Ashley first." I said, praying that she wouldn't flash me a disappointed look. She didn't, she smiled and nodded her head, bringing her lips to mine sweetly.

We walked back inside the building holding hands and broke off so I could grab Ashley. I needed to finally let her go. I needed to tell myself that Carmen was the one I wanted and loved.

I don't remember much of how Ashley and I ended up outside and raising our voices. The slap to her cheek was a shocker for the both of us but I was so wrapped up in my own emotions to really apologize. She couldn't even admit what I still knew all along.

Ashley stilled loved me. She regretted her decision and she was paying for it and if I didn't have a woman that was as perfect as Carmen, I knew I'd probably climb back in her arms and stay there for a lifetime. But that wasn't the case.

"I just can't handle this heartache," I clutched at Ashley's shoulders, pressing my forehead against hers. "I can't." I was feeling like all the energy that I had left in me was draining quickly.

I wasn't prepared for such an emotional roller coaster ride.

Ashley looked like she was in so much pain. "I've caused you enough heartache." She sniffled and brushed tears away from my cheeks and I fought not to close my eyes at the sensations. "I won't be that person again."

Her words were so meaningful and pure yet I tried to pretend they sounded empty.

I needed them to sound empty.

But I couldn't. Ashley Davies was _Ashley Davies_. You know, the woman who showed me a whole new world; one that I couldn't just let go.

"You know what sucks?" I whispered between hiccups and looked at her, wanting to get lost into endless pools of warm brown. "That I'm still yours. No matter what Ashley, you'll always have a part of me no one could ever touch."

She remained silent and I could feel her breath on my lips. I cupped her face and stroked her smooth cheeks with my thumbs, wiping away the tears that streamed down. "So," she let out a shaky breath, "this is it."

We were letting go. I was thinking that getting away from her was the best option. I wanted to be there for Kyla and I was glad I was but I needed to step back now that the party was dying down or I'd crumble completely.

I nodded silently at her and wound my fingers in her hair, my lips found hers in a desperate attempt to remember what they'd feel like, not that I've forgotten. I let out a quiet sob and my bottom lip found itself between her lips, caressing in a dance that was meant only for 'goodbye'. My hands slipped from her perfect curls, to her perfect face as I held her against me for the very last time. Her hands mirrored my own and her grip tightened, neither of us not wanting to let go.

But we had too, we both knew it.

I closed my eyes tightly, resting my forehead against hers. I couldn't look at her anymore. I really couldn't. It hurt too much. Letting out a shaky breath, I pushed away from her and turned around.

My heartbeat echoed the hollow footsteps I made towards the hall.

Towards the woman I was willing to give Ashley up for.

Carmen.

"Hey," Kyla grabbed me outside of the women's washroom and frowned, "are you okay?"

"Yea," I whispered and splashed my face with cold water as soon as I entered the room.

"Carmen said you two were going to take an early flight home in the morning." Her voice was full of understanding and that made me feel a little better. I pulled her into a hug and nodded.

"I'm sorry." Was all I could say.

"Don't be, Spence," Kyla smiled and grabbed a piece of paper towel, helping me dab my eyes, "I kind of knew things could get intense with you and Ashley. Maybe it was wrong of me to ask you-"

"No," I offered with a smile, "I was honoured you asked me to be a part of your wedding. I am really glad I came."

"You are?" Kyla bit her lip before smiling at me. I nodded and pulled her into a hug. "Did Ashley hurt you?"

I shook my head. Ashley never hurt me this time around.

She was the woman I wanted five years ago.

She was Ashley Davies.

--


	14. Shadowed Perfection

_**Flashbacks are in **italics. **I'd pay close attention to them because they give away so much. **_

**13 - Shadowed Perfection**

**SPENCER**

I was in bed, staring at the ceiling. The morning sun was shining brightly through the large window and I could hear the familiar sounds of waves crashing along the beach. The smell of salt was in the air as the day was promising to be another hot and humid one. I haven't slept since the night before; the night when I turned away from something that may have been really great if it weren't thrown away the first time.

The bed was empty beside me and I sighed heavily. Carmen left to work in her shop since her full time girl called in sick. She made me coffee and told me to try to get some rest before I went to see her.

I rolled in bed and stared out at the clear blue sky. I was still thinking about her. She caused me to toss and turn yet again. I closed my eyes tightly and fought the urge to vomit, feeling sick to my stomach with nerves.

We had caught the earliest flight and managed to grab one that had no other stops. Carmen and I talked a little afterwards but she wanted me to get some rest before getting into anything heavy.

I agreed.

I never did see Ashley again and I apologized to Kyla about the brunch she was holding. She assured me that I had nothing to feel bad over and it was best because Ashley was going to be showing up anyway. She just wanted to see me happy again.

I was happy.

I just wasn't _as_ happy as I was five years ago.

I don't remember drifting off to sleep but when I opened my eyes, I heard some noise in the other room. I sat up and stretched, running my fingers through my messy hair.

"Babe?" Carmen poked her head through the bedroom door and smiled at me. She was wearing her blue board shorts with white designs and her matching blue bikini top. "It's beautiful in the water, we should go for a swim later." She sat on the edge of the bed and played with my fingers. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm glad I was able to fall asleep some." I offered honestly and squeezed her hands in mine. "Were you busy this morning?"

"Nah," she laughed softly, "the usual customers for a Sunday morning." Carmen paused and smiled weakly at me. "I missed you though."

"I know," I felt bad and sighed heavily, "I think maybe after I shower and have something to eat, I'll feel better."

"How about you go hop in the shower and I'll make us some sandwiches. We can eat out on the veranda?" She got up and pulled me with her. "Does that sound good?"

"Perfect." I agreed and kissed her before heading to the shower.

--

_Her room was so familiar yet so different all at the same time. I reached out only to find that her side of the bed was empty, again. It was the second time Ashley and I had made love since getting together. The first time our morning was cut short because of Glen being in the hospital. I really wanted this time to be more special. _

_But she wasn't in the bed with me and she wasn't in the room with a cup of coffee either. I frowned and sat up, wrapping the sheet around my chest as I looked around her bedroom confused. _

_Then I heard footsteps come down the hallway and the door being pushed open quietly. Ashley walked in with coffee and donuts and gave me a big grin. "Hey sleepy head," she put down the tray and climbed onto the bed with me, immediately stealing a long nice kiss. "I thought you'd never wake up," she whispered, "I know I'm good, but I had no idea I was __**that **__good."_

"_Ha," I snorted and pushed her away gently, smirking at her, "you know you're __**that**__ good so don't even."_

"_Ah," she blew on her nails in a cocky manner and winked at me, "if you insist." Taking off her jean jacket, she handed me a coffee and a donut. "I thought you'd be a little hungry." She grinned sheepishly._

"_I am but I remember you promising me you'll cook breakfast if I stayed the night." I sighed playfully but bit into the honey glazed donut._

"_You're using me for my culinary skills, aren't you?" Ashley eyed me suspiciously before hopping off her bed._

"_And your talented fingers and tongue!" I shot back and she mock-gasped._

"_Spencer Carlin! If only your mother knew the things you do with your tongue." She purred and I blushed – deeply._

"_Well, I would definitely be locked away right now if she knew." I half joked._

"_I'll just break you out." Ashley shrugged and handed me a coffee. "So, you still want that homemade breakfast?" I nodded eagerly and she chuckled. "Okay, how about you go shower and then by the time you're done, I'll have something whipped up. We can eat out on the balcony if you'd like?" She leaned in and gave me a soft kiss to the forehead before capturing my lips. "Sounds perfect, doesn't it?"_

"_Perfect." I sighed and she grinned, crinkling her nose in that cute way. _

_I was desperately and hopelessly in love._

--

After drying off and throwing on a pair of short jean shorts and a tank top, I made my way to the veranda where Carmen sat, waiting patiently. "Good shower?"

I nodded my head silently and found the table full of fruits and perfectly cut sandwiches, with iced tea and lemonade in my favourite glass jugs. "This is all for me?"

"Hope you have an appetite," she grinned and popped a cherry into her mouth, "too bad you didn't surf this morning. The waves were off the hook."

I smirked and shook my head, my damp hair falling into my eyes. I tucked the strands behind my ears and took a seat across from my girlfriend. We ate in silence and the food tasted good. I was feeling a little better.

The sun was kissing my shoulders, causing the flesh to tingle. I shifted and reached to grab my sunglasses, stretching my legs out in front of me.

"So," Carmen smiled softly, "Kyla called this morning. She wanted to know if we made it safe."

I nodded. "I still feel bad for missing that brunch today."

"No worries, Spence," Carmen patted my leg, "we'll make another trip to New York once everything settles down.

"Carmen," I sat up and peered out at the ocean view, "there's something I need to tell you."

"You know you can tell me anything."

I brought my eyes to hers and lifted up my sunglasses, wanting her to see that I wasn't going to hide this for any reason. "Last night," I took in a deep breath, "when I was talking with Ashley," she moved closer, nodding her head, "I kissed her."

Carmen blinked slowly but nodded her head. "I know."

"You know?" I raised an eyebrow, panicking slightly.

"I saw it actually," she shrugged and let out a soft laugh.

It wasn't funny.

Why was she laughing?

"It was goodbye. I was saying goodbye." I said quickly.

"I know baby," she nodded and it was her turn to look out at the ocean, the wind picking up slightly, "I also know it wasn't just about goodbye. That kiss conveyed a sense of remembrance, you were saying goodbye but at the same time you wanted to capture a moment to remember her by," she finally looked back at me, her eyes were sad but they held strength in them too, "can't say I'm not at all surprised."

"I'm sorry," I whispered and she cupped my chin, shaking her head gently.

"No, don't be sorry. I'm really glad you came forward to tell me about the kiss. I was beginning to wonder if you would." Carmen scratched her forehead and licked her lips. "I love you Spencer and I would move heaven and earth for you, you know that."

"I know," I whispered.

"This is all so fresh still," she shrugged and moved over to my chair, nuzzling my neck, "why don't we just wait it out for a few days and see where things are, kay?"

"We should talk about this now." I said gently, blinking as she pulled back. "Carmen, this isn't fair to you."

"It's not fair that you're beating yourself up over this every second of the day either," she countered and frowned, "you have to really let go of everything Spencer before you figure out what you want. Give yourself a few days to just sort things out in your head. That's all I ask and I don't ask for much, you know that."

Carmen had a point. She cared about me enough to allow me to just think. To think about whatever it was I want to think about. She never asked me for anything.

I was beginning to understand who I was to Ashley, in high school. Someone who loved her and remained patient as she worked through her own mind. I gave her space and I gave her all of my love not asking for anything in return.

I was Carmen.

Yet I was taking the role of Ashley.

I closed my eyes and I felt Carmen move, kiss my forehead and start to clear off the plates and bowls.

"I'm always here for you, Spencer. No matter what." She said quietly before the screen door slid open and closed again.

--

"_I get that you want to try and find yourself," I whispered as Ashley shifted in the seat of her Porsche. "Just, try not to hide from me all the time, okay?"_

_Ashley nodded and looked down at our matching bracelets. "You're too good to be true." She murmured and I shook my head. _

"_I'm just that in love with you," I smiled and kissed her on the cheek before opening the passenger door, "I'm always here for you Ashley. No matter what, you'll always be with me." _

--

And I stayed true to that very last statement.

--


	15. Maybe, Picture This

**14 - Maybe, Picture This…**

**SPENCER**

I groaned when I was woken up by someone knocking on the door. I made my way out of bed and threw on my robe, realizing that Carmen hadn't woken me up before she went surfing, yet again.

"Who is it?" I mumbled as I stumbled tiredly towards the door.

"We've got a package for you," a male voice boomed through the hallways. I peeked in the hole and noticed the guy wearing brown was holding an envelope in his hand.

I opened the door and he gave me a smile. "Sorry for waking you, miss."

I gave my best smile and signed my name before taking the envelope from him. "Have a good day." I closed the door and studied the red, brown and white envelope. There was no name on it but it did come from New York.

I was thinking it was the pictures Kyla had promised me. I was excited. I opened the envelope and sure enough, pictures of her wedding were in my hand, already labeled and dated on the back.

I spent time looking at each one. Kyla was absolutely stunning in her photos and I even knew where I had some frames stashed away that these pictures would look good in. The very last picture of the pile was one that made me freeze.

Smiles.

Brown orbs.

Blue orbs.

Hand holding.

The picture that Kyla eagerly wanted us to take was now in my hands. Her smile was so pure, so genuine, so… Ashley.

I turned it over and on the back it was labeled _'My two favourite ladies, thank you'_ our names and the date. I placed it down separately in its own pile and peeked in the envelope only to find a folded up piece of paper. I recognized the hand writing easily. It was so distinctive.

I shakily opened up the neatly folded piece of paper and began to read the letter in front of me.

**Dearest Spencer,**

**Remember that one day we skipped school and you told me that you liked girls? I was more than happy to hear that because I was secretly hoping you did. I wanted to scream that I liked **_**you**_** at that same time but I didn't want any pressure on you. You caught my attention the very first time I met you, even though I was a crazy bitchy bitch at my locker. You were being sweet and asking me for directions and I just didn't have the patience.**

**That was my first mistake with you. I should've been nice and I should've helped you on your first morning of school. I would normally jump at the chance to help such a hottie, but again, patience was never my thing.**

**I've always loved you, Spencer. From the bottom of my heart, I've loved you more and more each day – especially the years we were apart. I've never stopped being in love with you.**

**If I could go back and do things over again, there would have been no way I'd choose Aiden. There shouldn't have been a decision to make in the first place. I just wanted you to know that I've never placed the blame on you about telling me to decide. Not once did I point fingers at you and blame you for where my life is right now – without you.**

**Carmen is a very beautiful person inside and out. You found a keeper and she found a home within your life. You should cherish that with everything you have and not take that for granted. **

**I should've treated you better. I should've told you I loved you every single day. I should've trusted my heart completely. You deserve to be happy. That's all I want for you.**

**Maybe someday down the road we can meet up again. Maybe someday down the road we can find peace within ourselves to move on and live life without anymore regrets. I know I'm going to fight like hell to get that back in my life. I just hope beyond hope we can find room for each other – even if it is years from now.**

**You have me, Spencer. All of me is with you and I'll never forget what we had and what we shared. Please never doubt those happy memories that we made together. Please know that the mistakes in my life should never affect yours.**

**Until then – goodbye. **

**Always Yours,**

**Ashley**

--

_**-THREE MONTHS LATER-**_

--

I held that letter close to me yet again. I never replied back to her, I didn't know what to say. I never knew what to say when it came to Ashley.

Three months ago I had come home from New York and three months ago Ashley sent me that letter. I read it often. Carmen knew about the letter, I even let her read it. She handed it back to me and told me that maybe it was an opportunity to finally _let go_.

I tried that.

I burned things of Ashley's that I had secretly kept; hoping all the feelings would burn with the flames as well.

It didn't work.

Don't get me wrong though. I never spent my time wallowing in my heartache. I went out with Carmen, we did our things that couples do and she still made me laugh and smile. She still made me feel beautiful whenever she touched me. I was being a girlfriend to her but there were some days when I'd get down and those feelings automatically go to the one thing, the one person I no longer have.

I still wrote for LA Junkie and I worked with Carmen at her surf shop. I took my writing to a whole new level and managed to write my first draft for my newest short novel. Carmen helped me and encouraged me to get it published so I was waiting for answers to a few places I had sent my drafts.

I tapped on the counter and looked out at the sunny day. I thought it'd be best to surprise Carmen with a visit at her shop. I quickly changed into my white bikini top and Carmen's yellow board shorts and took off.

"Boo." I pressed my lips to her neck and she giggled, turning around to give me a hug.

"Hey you, look who decided to see sunlight!" She kissed me again and looked at me with concern. "Are you okay?"

"Yea." I smiled. "I just wanted to see you."

"You're wearing my favourite shorts," she eyed me up and I nodded with a grin, "did you want to catch some waves?"

"Aren't you working?" I asked.

"Justine's just on lunch, I can take off for the afternoon." Carmen smiled and pinched my cheek. "Go grab your board, we'll wax it up."

That afternoon was spent splashing in the waves with Carmen. It was spent with laughter and smiles and kisses.

It was spent carefree and I found that I had let go for a little while.

That was a start, right?

--

_If you think this is the end, you're sadly mistaken!_


	16. Waterfall

_**So I made something last night because I was bored, slightly. Anyway, it's kind of like a video story of this fic and it's a total spoiler. Actually, it gives everything away! , if you don't want to ruin this fic, don't watch. (I'm testing your temptation!)**__** If you do, comment on it and let me know what you think!! PM me if you want the link! Thanks!!**_

_**Flashbacks are in**__italics._

**15 – Waterfall**

**ASHLEY**

I stepped out of the Porsche I had rented and looked up at the large hotel in front of me. A few guys grabbed my luggage and another guy took my car keys to park the car.

"How weird is it being back in La-La Land?" My sister's voice said beside me, looking at the same building with wonder.

"Slightly odd." I murmured as we followed the bellboys into the large marble lobby. "I really never thought I'd find myself here again."

Kyla nudged me and rolled her eyes. "Right," she laughed softly, "you would've found your way back here sooner or later."

"I resent that." I scoffed and took off my sunglasses, placing them on top of my head. "Reservations for Davies." I addressed the young woman at the desk before turning back to Kyla. "What do you mean by that anyway?"

"Come on Ash," she sighed, "you were only in New York because of your ex douche. Now that the divorce is _finally_ finalized, you had nothing holding you there anymore. Julian and I figured you'd flee right after your court date last month."

My divorce with Aiden was official and the fucker walked away with nothing but my wedding ring, his precious BMW and the blonde on his right arm. He never got a penny out of me and he never even got the house. I sold the property and put the money in with the rest of my millions. I moved into a small apartment outside of the neighborhood Kyla lived in and started to record demos; what I really wanted to do.

I always thought I'd find my music career unfold in LA but I've had a few people interested in New York so I decided to stay and see where it took me.

It wasn't until I got an interesting phone call that I would find myself back in La-La Land.

//

_Sundays used to be boring for me. Aiden and I would usually go to his buddy's place where we'd eat dinner and then while the guys watched a game on TV, I was left with the other wives to talk about fashion and gossip on the latest affair. I hated Sundays._

_I was starting to love them now that I was on my own. I placed the picture of Spencer and I at the wedding over my mantel and smiled, dragging my finger along her gorgeous hair. _

_Grabbing a beer, I sat down on my couch and pulled my guitar in my lap. Strumming a few notes, I thought about lyrics coursing through my head. I was full of ideas and I knew I could write a few songs before the night was over. _

_The phone ringing had interrupted me but I figured it was Kyla bugging me about going to her place for Sunday dinners. I had politely declined. The caller ID made my heart race though, it wasn't Kyla._

_It was an LA number._

_I pressed the talk button and cleared my throat. "Hello?"_

"_**Hi,"**__ came a smooth husky voice, __**"may I speak to Ashley?"**_

_I cleared my throat and placed my guitar down beside me. "Speaking."_

"_**Ashley hi, it's Carmen."**_

_I dropped my phone and then quickly picked it up again. I was not expecting a phone call from her. Then panic set in. Was Spencer okay? What happened? Oh God. _

"_**I know this is a bit of a shock hearing from me." **__ She continued on when I didn't answer her._

"_Well no, I mean, yeah." I sat back on the couch and felt my heart beating wildly in my chest. "How are you?"_

_A small laugh came over the other line and it made me believe Spencer was definitely okay. __** "Good, thank you. So I hope you don't mind but I got your number off of Kyla," **__she paused and I heard some muffling over the other end, __**"Spencer doesn't know that I'm calling you,"**__ her voice went quieter and it made me sit up straight; curious to hear why she was calling me._

"_Is she okay?" I asked with worry. _

"_**She's perfect,"**__ she said softly and then sighed, __**"which is why I'm calling you. In two weeks, Spencer will be doing a book signing for her short novel and I think it would mean the world to her if you um, I guess knew about it. I don't know if you could make it out or not, but I did mail you a copy of her book this morning."**_

"_Spencer got published?" I smiled and felt myself grow happy inside. _

"_**Yea, she really did. She's pretty much loving life right now, knowing she accomplished something."**__ Carmen laughed and the all went quiet again. __**"You should read it as soon as you get it. And if you feel like coming out to LA for her signing, I'm sure she'll be thrilled to see you."**_

"_Right," I breathed sadly, knowing that she never responded to my letter I had mailed her over two and a half months ago. "I'll have to see what I'm doing but thank you for letting me know. I just don't think Spencer would like to see me."_

"_**Whatever Ashley,"**__ she laughed quietly, almost sadly, __**"Spencer would love nothing more than to see you again. I get your last goodbye felt final but um, I really don't think that's ever going to be true. Just a second,"**__ she muffled the phone slightly but straining my ears, I could hear her. __**"I don't know where the grape wax went Spence, check the top drawer."**_

_Grape Wax._

_Surfing._

_Spencer in a bikini all wet._

_So not the image I should be having while I have her girlfriend on the phone._

"_**Sorry about that," **__Carmen's voice was now clear, __**"I'm just heading out but I wanted to give you a call. I think, no, I know it'd be really great if… I don't know."**__ She faltered and sighed again.__** "Please just think about it."**_

"_I will," I said quietly and there was an awkward silence that filled between us._

"_**Carm, come on, you said we were leaving ten minutes ago and it's getting late. You know I hate being in the water after the sun sets." **__ I heard Spencer's voice over the other line in the background. Her voice made me soar even though I knew I was grounded._

_I raised an eyebrow at Spencer's words. She _loved_ swimming in the water after dark. We'd strip our clothes off and splash around freely, not caring about anyone else because it was dark. We'd end up all over each other with hands in places that would make my knees buckle just thinking about it. _

_Spencer loved the ocean after dark._

_Maybe that much has changed._

"_**I should go,"**__ Carmen laughed, __**"If you don't make it out here, you should at least read the book and let her know what you think. Nice talking with you, Ashley."**_

_I sat back on the couch and closed my phone slowly; still taking in what had just happened._

_Spencer's girlfriend, or maybe fiancée, just asked me to fly out and see her. She gave me the big green light to see Spencer._

_I couldn't wait until I got Spencer's book. Hopefully she wouldn't be mad at Carmen for mailing it to me._

//

"This view is amazing!" Kyla sang as we leaned over the balcony of our hotel room. It looked out onto the ocean and I couldn't help but glance at every female surfer that was catching waves, in hopes I'd catch her.

"I actually missed this place." I confessed and tilted my sunglasses to the tip of my nose, looking out at the people wandering the sanded beach.

I felt Kyla's eyes on me and then she poked my shoulder. "Spencer's going to be shocked when she sees you at her signing tomorrow."

I smiled a little. "I know."

"I still can't believe Carmen invited you," she frowned slightly but shrugged, "then again, I've read the book and it seems to be uh, Ashley-esque."

"How the hell is all about me?" I raised an eyebrow and watched as she grabbed the book that was firmly in my grasp.

Kyla cleared her throat and flipped to a page she was looking for.** "Imagine your world being one giant waterfall. The water rushing down heavily would represent your dreams and the rocks below would represent the pain when your dreams are crushed. I used to have a waterfall where everything was clear beneath me. No jagged rocks to ruin my world. No worries about how shallow the bottom was if I fell over it because I knew I was safe from harms way." ** She looked up at me and bit her lip before she continued on, **"She became everything I hated with the waterfall that once completed me with inner peace. She was the one waterfall I so desperately tried to pry myself away from but even with her flaws and the jagged rocks below, I was mesmerized by her beauty. The water rushed so brilliantly and even though I knew it was dangerous, I wanted to let go of the edge and just **_**fall**_** with her all over again."** Kyla tossed the book back at me and tilted her head. "That was all you, Ashley."

I frowned and reread the words. Spencer did love her waterfall analogies and her fantasy took place underneath a waterfall.

"Maybe it's just a coincidence?" I asked and went back inside the room, sitting down on the bed reading the book over again, looking for more clues about her inner workings. I've read the book at least three times since I received it and I would've read it more but Kyla borrowed it on the plane ride to LA.

"Right." She chuckled and plopped down beside me, letting out some air. "I'm going to go for a walk, wanna join me?"

I waved her off and stuck my nose back inside the book. Once Kyla was gone, I flipped the book to look at the cover.

**Wish You Were by Spencer Carlin.**

I turned it back and reread the very last paragraph over and over.

"**I don't know when I started to feel the change within the air. Sometimes it'd feel hot and sometimes it'd feel cold. Most times I felt numb completely.**

**Even though life moves on whether you want it to or not, you still wish that it would just stop and allow you to catch up. I'm still trying to chase mine down and when I catch it, I'll look into the soul of it all and say 'I wish you were here to help me understand, why I'm living without you.'".**

I blinked and wondered about the hidden message behind the paragraph.

I wondered about the hidden meaning behind her reason to write such a story that bared her very soul.

The book, Spencer Carlin's musings, only made me fall that much deeper in love with her.

I hoped she was prepared to see me, even if this really was the very last time.

--


	17. Secret Promises

_So as some of you know, I couldn't post the link or accept email addresses, however if you're interested in seeing the video, check out my youtube and search for 'breathe4her'. You should be able to find it that way!_

**Flashbacks are in **_italics._

**I don't own SoN!**

**16 - Secret Promises**

**SPENCER**

"_**She stripped my shirt over my head and tossed it carelessly to the side. Her lips mapped out a love letter on my stomach, breathing her sweet words over my skin. Secret promises and a lifelong devotion were etched for an eternity because I believed her. I believed her tattooed kisses that branded every inch of me."**_

_Carmen looked over at me and licked her lips, after reading an entry from my book. "Powerful words, Spencer."_

_I nodded and continued to write in bed, my notebook splayed out in my lap. The rain pelted the windows and we could hear the thunder rolling from a distance over the ocean._

"_You really miss her," she closed the book and placed it between us. "This book is all about Ashley."_

_I had warned her what the book was about before she read it, but Carmen being sweet and understanding Carmen, wanted to read it anyway._

"_Yea," I murmured and put my pen down gently before meeting her grey eyes, "it's the only way I could try and deal with everything inside of me."_

"_I get that," she whispered and let out a small laugh, "it's really good Spence. This is going to be a best seller."_

_I laughed and shook my head. "Thank you for the confidence, Carm, but I'm just not sure it's gonna cut it to be that big."_

_Carmen smiled and leaned back into her pillows, her hand searched for mine and I caught her gaze. "Spence?" She whispered and squeezed my hand. "What did it feel like walking away from Ashley?"_

_I swallowed the lump that immediately forced itself in my throat at her question. "It hurt."_

"_Duh," she sighed and squeezed my hand a little harder, grabbing my attention back, "I meant, did you feel like you were making a mistake?"_

_I sighed and let go of her hand, placing my notebook on the bedside table and turned to face her. "I know this book couldn't have been easy for you to read," I whispered and scooted closer, "but at least I'm not denying it and I'm still here, right?"_

_Carmen smiled brighter and tugged me close, kissing me gently on the lips. "You should send a copy to her."_

_I pulled back and frowned. "No."_

"_Why not?" She raised an eyebrow. "I think she'd love to read it, babe."_

"_It's not for her to read," I sighed and frowned, "unless she gets her hands on it in a book store."_

"_Spence," she chastised me and tilted her head slightly, "Ashley would be proud of this and you should at least think about it. I mean, how often does someone get a book written about them?"_

"_A lot." I shrugged and Carmen sighed, stretching to slip beneath the covers._

"_You're only being bitter because you care about what she thinks. I know her opinion would matter to you, regardless of what you say." She switched the lamp off on her end and kissed my lightly on the cheek. "Night."_

_Carmen was right. I was bitter because I cared. I wanted Ashley to read the book. I wanted her to know that it was __**my letter**__ to her._

//

I fanned myself as I walked down the beach, my toes sinking into the hot sand. I watched the children play with their shovels and pails as the grown ups tanned and splashed around.

Carmen never pushed the Ashley thing after our talk over two months ago. I never heard from Ashley either, so I figured she never even knew about the book. I asked Kyla to keep it quiet even though she insisted on telling her sister as well.

The sun was refreshing after it rained all night. I had to be at Carmen's shop for the signing within the next few hours and I didn't think it'd be a big turn up anyway, so I wasn't that nervous. I've read reviews online and judging by them, my story was inspirational.

"One gorgeous blonde walking all alone," a heard a voice behind me and immediately froze at the sound. I turned around slowly and was met with a brunette grinning at me. "Spencer Carlin."

"Kyla!" I screeched and hugged her. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"And miss my best friend's big day? Seriously." Kyla rolled her eyes and smiled, letting me go. She looked me up and down and nodded approvingly. "Well you've lost more weight but all in all you still look hot."

"I still can't believe you freaked when we set up with that one chick. You've got to be curious or else you wouldn't constantly be checking me out." I snickered and Kyla gasped.

"Only with you!" She laughed.

"Ashley always said you had a crush on me." I sighed dramatically and grabbed her arm, encouraging her to walk with me towards Carmen's surf shop.

I wanted to ask her about Ashley. I wanted to see if she was okay and to just _know_.

We walked in silence and then Kyla bumped my hip with hers. "It's okay to ask about her, you know."

Damn it. She read my thoughts.

"Oh," I cleared my throat and nodded, but remained quiet.

"She's doing good," Kyla continued, swinging her hands in front of her, "she actually just finished recording her first demo."

My head whipped to meet her gaze and I couldn't help but smile. "Really?" I said in a proud voice. I knew that was something Ashley always wanted to do.

Kyla smiled. "Yea, she has gigs lined up, nothing too big but still, she's got her foot in the door and that's what matters."

"Wow," I breathed and Kyla stopped me, turning my body to face her.

"She misses you," Kyla whispered, "and I'm not saying this to entice anything but she does miss you Spencer. She asks about you and as a sister, I want to ensure her everything's okay but as your best friend, I just tell her you're alive and well."

"Kyla?!" Carmen came running from the surf shop and hugged the brunette. "What are you doing here?"

"You know, just supporting my best friend." Kyla smiled and wrapped her arm around my shoulders.

"You flew out here just to have another book signed?" Carmen raised an eyebrow and I cocked my head to the side, amused at the blush that snuck up on Kyla's face. "Didn't Spencer give you an autographed book already?"

"I'm here for _support_." Kyla looked at Carmen with her eyes squinting a little bit. She emphasized the word 'support' and as soon as she did, Carmen nodded and smiled.

I was confused.

"Hey babe, they're setting up your table. Are you excited?" Carmen looped her arm through mine and hugged me before skipping back to her shop.

//

"_When your dreams come true, I'll be right there at your side." Ashley smiled and kissed the tips of my fingers as we cuddled in the back of the empty theatre. The movie just ended but we bought double tickets for the late show so we decided to stay and wait for the other movie to begin._

"_Whaaaat if you are my dream come true?" I asked in a cute voice and she grinned, kissing my cheek, resting her lips there. I could tell her eyes were closed and it made me feel good to know we could be so intimate without being __**intimate**__._

"_Then I guess you'll never have to worry about me straying." Ashley kissed my cheek again before pulling back, her fingers tangling through my hair. "I'm going to put out the hottest album and tour the country and I want you right there with me."_

"_I'll be wherever you are." I sighed softly. "You're going to rock the arenas and stadiums with a voice like yours."_

"_Not to mention the hotness of me." She pointed out quite seriously; I chuckled and shook my head._

_So modest._

"_Aside from staying attached to me," Ashley breathed and cupped my cheek, "what else do you want to do with your life?"_

_I sat up and turned to face her. "I don't know, honestly. I want to do something for __**me**__ in the future but what that is yet, I don't know. I just love being with you."_

"_Aww," Ashley whispered and brushed her soft lips over mine before pulling back. "Well whatever you choose to do, I'm going to be there right at your side while you accomplish it," her brown eyes were bright considering the dark theatre we were in, "I promise."_

//

I looked at Kyla and caught a glimpse of Ashley in her eyes. I sighed and tapped Kyla on the shoulder, she looked at me quizzically and frowned, "what is it Spence?"

"I miss her too."

--


	18. And Kyla Quotes

**Flashbacks are in **_italics._

**17 - And Kyla Quotes…**

**ASHLEY**

I wondered if I was making a mistake by being there. I wasn't sure how Spencer would react once she spotted me. I wasn't sure if she'd want to talk to me or just sign the book and wave me off like I was just another person. I couldn't blame her if she did but I hoped I could at least tell her how her words made me feel. I wanted to at least tell her that I understood the message in her sentences and the pain I caused her was so much more than she ever let on.

I just wanted to try and make bits of it right. Even if I could never have her in any way, I still wanted her to know that I know I was an ass and she was the only person I've ever loved. She would always be that person I will always love.

"She looks so fine." Kyla came up beside me in the hotel lobby.

"Who?" I scrunched up my face as the sun hit me once we were outside.

"Spencer." Kyla said it as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

I stumbled a bit and looked at her. "You saw her?"

"Yea," she nodded and smiled softly, "she's sweet."

"Ky, she's always been sweet," I sighed and smiled a little, "where did you see her?"

"I spotted her walking along the beach. She took me to see Carmen's shop. That woman has got serious talent with her designs." Kyla said thoughtfully and turned to me as we made our own way down the beach, getting ready to stand in line for Spencer's signing. "Are you nervous?"

"Of course." I muttered. "You know where we left off last time."

"Yea, you kissed." Kyla shook her head and shrugged as I glared at her. "What? You did!"

"It was a goodbye kiss." I said, stuffing my hands in my ripped jean shorts.

"**When you kiss someone goodbye, do you really mean it? Is the kiss just a form of wanting to remember so you'd never forget? Is it just a sense of closure that your body desperately needs? My last kiss was more than goodbye. It was sense of remembrance because I was hoping that one day, I could find my way back and undo that goodbye that we had silently given each other."** Kyla quoted the words of Spencer Carlin.

"Do you always have to throw those words in my face?" I asked, slightly annoyed because I knew she was right.

"Yes," she sauntered in front of me, "if you want to meet the beautiful author of this book, you should really know what points to share with her." Kyla grinned and told me to hurry up; she didn't want to be more than fashionably late.

Upon arriving the shop that had been bragged about by both Spencer and Kyla, I had to admit it was pretty styling. A table was set up and though I couldn't see her, I knew she was sitting behind it, signing every book that was placed in front of her. I stood nervously behind a couple that was only in their bathing suits. The shirtless guy had his arm wrapped around his girlfriend protectively.

"So what are you going to say to her once you get up there?" Kyla asked, flipping mindlessly through the book. She already had hers signed and of course I was a little upset that she decided to tell me she knew about the book _after_ I had told her about my phone call with Carmen.

I looked at my crisp copy and shrugged. "Forgive me?"

Kyla smiled sadly and looped her arm through mine. "How about: 'I was one selfish bitch back in high school. How dare I choose that prick of a douche bag over you. I will forever live the rest of my life making it up to you.'?"

I looked at my sister as if she had grown three heads. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No." She shrugged and shoved me slightly. "It's true though Ash."

I knew it was true. I should say that to her. "How about I miss you?"

"Too heavy." She eyed me up and opened up the book.

"I swear if you quote something out of that book one more time I'll have to strangle you." I cracked my knuckles.

"Just hold on," she snapped and read over a page before tapping on it and reading the sentence, **"if you were to see me again, I would want you to look me in the eye and tell me **_**exactly**_** what you are feeling."**

"Oh." I frowned. "Okay, well 'I miss you' is exactly what I'm feeling."

It was.

"Can I be honest with you about something?" Kyla peeked over to see how much longer the line was. "I don't understand why Carmen is still with Spencer. She's a great woman for wanting to understand but this," she held up the book, "is nothing but a love confession to _you_. Carmen knows that and she's still by her side."

"She's in love." I shrugged. "I can't blame her."

"Okay true," she whispered, "but why doesn't Spencer leave her? I mean, she should know everything she went through with you, she's putting Carmen through as well."

I couldn't answer that. I had no room to talk.

"I just hope once Spencer sees you," Kyla wrapped an arm around my waist, "she'll finally let down that guard and just jump into her waterfall, you know? We both know there's no more jagged rocks at the bottom anymore; just an endless pit of love and devotion."

--

"_You can't just walk away!" Spencer screamed at me as I stormed out of her house. "Ashley, you can't walk away from me!"_

"_Watch me!" I yelled back and stopped, catching my breath. I had an anger problem but I tried to control it. "Just, have fun on our date with Donald!"_

"_Ash!" I felt her come closer and then she spun me around. "You know I can't just come out right now."_

"_This is the third fucking guy your mother has set you up with, Spencer. Do you really think it's fair to me?" I asked, staring at her. "The last guy copped a feel!"_

"_I pushed him away right after!" Spencer screeched._

"_He shouldn't have been that close anyway," I said dangerously quiet. _

"_I was in the kitchen grabbing some bowls, he came up behind me." Spencer narrowed her eyes at me and opened her mouth again, "it's not like you stop Aiden from touching you or looking at you in inappropriate ways."_

_I tightened my lips and grabbed her shoulders. "Drop this Aiden jealousy now."_

"_No. You know why I won't?" She shrugged my hands off of her. "Because you can't deny it. At all. You can't even correct me to make me feel better, you just tell me to stop being jealous."_

_She was right._

_She was so right and I had a problem correcting her._

"_Spence," I sighed heavily, "please, just, blow this date off and come with me? I want to show you something."_

"_Is it another recycled spot Aiden brought you to?" She scoffed stubbornly. _

_I deserved that one._

"_No." I whispered and cupped her neck gently, "this spot is something for you and me only. And I don't like Aiden that way," she looked up at me, "I love you Spencer. More than you'll ever know."_

"_Yea?" She blinked._

"_Yea." I nodded and pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry for blowing up. I need to control that."_

"_I'm sorry for constantly throwing your situation with Aiden back in your face." Spencer mumbled. "So where are we going?"_

_My eyes lit up and she grinned. "You're ditching the dude?"_

"_Yea," she nodded and looked back at her door, "I can't grab my keys so you'll have to help me sneak in later on."_

"_I've mastered your bedroom window," I beamed proudly and she chuckled._

_I used my charms to get her to calm down. I used it all to my advantage so she wouldn't be mad at me. I knew what worked and even though Spencer could really get upset, she could never stay that way. I knew what made her tick. _

_And I knew that the homemade waterfall that I made her in my backyard, would forever hold a piece in her heart and overlap her favourite memory. The waterfall she could always cherish and treasure._

--

The line up was becoming shorter and the sun was dramatically raising the temperature. It was probably just me. My heart was making musical beats in my chest that were so heavy; I couldn't pick out any note.

"We're almost there!" Kyla squealed in my ear and I closed my eyes, listening to Spencer's voice as it flowed through the air. Her laughter made me jump a little.

"I don't think I can do this." I whispered in a panic.

"We did not fly across the country for you to chicken out!" She hissed in my ear. "I'm going to go find Carmen."

"Wait, what?" I watched her wave as she bolted inside the shop, leaving me alone.

That was it. The time had come for me to step forward.

"Hi," Spencer had said with her head down, grabbing a different marker, "I'll be right with you."

I nodded, knowing she couldn't see me.

"Okay," she smiled and finally our gazes locked. We stared at each other, intensely was an understatement.

All that was heard was the silence and the waves washing up on shore.

--

_Sorry it took me so long! Forgive me!_


	19. Then & Now

**Shall we get inside Carmen's head? I think so. Some of you (along with Kyla) are wondering why she's still with Spencer when she clearly knows Spencer only has eyes for Ashley… it all gets explained here – and it goes to show just how perfect a girlfriend can be…**

**Flashbacks are in **_italics_

**18 - Then & Now**

**CARMEN**

_I was just another tourist in the city of Los Angeles, checking out my surroundings with the beach shops and the women, of course. I had time to kill before my appointment with the bank. Okay, so I wasn't __**just**__ another tourist, I had my reasons to be there. I had found an abandoned old store on the beach front and opted to open up my own surf shop. My parents didn't think I could do such a thing at a young age, but I was there to prove them wrong. Having parents that belittled everything you tried to achieve could get a little annoying. _

"_Quite the ugly shop, huh?" I turned around to find one gorgeous blonde standing beside me, studying the boarded up small shack. _

"_Oh, yea," I cleared my throat and she smiled at me._

"_I've been wondering when they were going to tear that thing down." She shrugged and went back to sipping on her slushy. _

_Her long blonde hair was flowing freely in the light breeze and she was donned in a light blue two piece bathing suit with a towel wrapped around her hips. She was really out of this world, gorgeous._

_And she was talking to __**me.**_

"_-water yet?"_

_Oh shit, she was talking to me and I totally zoned. I laughed nervously and scratched the back of my neck. "I'm sorry, what?"_

_The mystery blonde smiled and shook her head. "I was just asking you if you had been in the water yet, it's nice."_

_I looked back at the ocean and smiled. "Oh I was in this morning, surfing."_

"_You surf?" Her blue eyes widened, her teeth pinching the straw lightly between the pearly whites. _

_I nodded confidently and pointed towards the boarded up shack. "If all goes well, I'm going to be opening that into my own surf shop."_

"_Cool." She smiled and then held out her hand. "I'm sorry, I totally just started talking without introducing myself, I'm Spencer."_

"_Well Spencer," I grinned and squeezed her hand softly, "you can start talking to me anytime." Her cheeks flushed a little bit as she ducked her head and grinned. "I'm Carmen."_

"_So, how long have you been surfing for?"___

_"I grew up in Hawaii actually. My older brother started first and I would go out and watch him. He let me try it when I was eight and it became addictive."___

_"Hawaii?" Spencer sounded intrigued and I nodded. "Wow, I think LA is the closest I'll ever get to Hawaii."___

_I smiled at her and shrugged. "We moved to San Francisco about three years ago. I come here every chance I get because it's a hot spot for surfing."___

_"Why not move back to Hawaii?" She teased me and even though the move was only because of a tragic accident, I couldn't help but smile and chuckle a little. She was just too cute.___

_I looked at my watch and realized I had an hour left until I had to be at my meeting.___

_"So um," she dug her sandaled toe into the sand and flashed me a smile, "I was just heading to the café on the boardwalk for a quick lunch," she bit her lip and shrugged, "would you like to join me?"___

_Okay.___

_So this totally hot blonde talked to me first, blushed at my flirting and was now asking me to eat with her – my gaydar was blaring signals and I was more than happy to accept her invitation._

_--_

"_Come on Spence!" I laughed as she came up for air after falling off of the board for the hundredth time that afternoon. I didn't mind though, she was smiling and that was all that mattered._

"_How freaking hard is it to stay on a board?" She muttered to herself as she hoisted herself back up on the surf board and staring down at me as I tread in the ocean beside her. _

_I met the woman a few days ago and promised her I'd give her some lessons before I had to leave back to San Francisco. We had spent every spare moment together and I couldn't help but feel something growing between us. She was sweet, kind and a little lost but she always wore a smile._

"_Okay," I pulled myself up over the board and straddled it, facing her, "I think we should head back in and grab something to eat."_

"_But I really wanted to get it this time!" Spencer pouted, the setting sun that was reflecting in her eyes. She ran a hand through her wet hair and squinted at the sun before turning to look at me. "We should get back in," she said with a sad voice, her eyes casting downwards, "I have a thing about being in the water in the dark."_

_I smiled softly and nodded. I didn't have to ask her why, just knowing that it was uncomfortable for her was enough for me to listen to what she was saying. "Well I think we should just check out what the café's serving for dinner and relax a little," I smiled and rolled my eyes, "I'm a little worn out from dragging your ass back up to the surface with every wipe out." _

_Spencer gasped and swatted me, pushing me off the board and laid on it. "No ride for you." She stuck her tongue and started paddling towards the shore. I chuckled and swam beside her in silence. _

--

I observed Spencer doing her book signing while taking care of my shop at the same time. She was beautiful sitting in her chair, her sunglasses fitting perfectly on her face as she smiled and thanked each person in line. I'd catch her looking out towards the ocean between people, a lost look on etched upon her features and it broke my heart.

The moment I had seen Kyla on the beach the day before, I knew Ashley had took my words seriously and hopped on a plane to see Spencer. I also knew that what I felt for Spencer, she felt for Ashley. It wasn't fair to her. It wasn't fair to me either, but I guess you could say I was being somewhat selfish. Spencer made me _feel_ and I hated life before her. My life only ever began the moment she spoke to me on this exact same beach over four years ago. We held hands on this beach for the first time and we shared our first kiss here as well. This beach meant a lot to me.

When Spencer asked me to read her short novel, she warned me that it would be a little hard for me to digest. She did come clean as to what it was about and even though I felt a little sad that she could write a whole book about her ex-girlfriend, I couldn't help but still feel proud of her accomplishment. It also gave me insight as to what she was thinking inside her head, especially with her deepest feelings when it came to Ashley. The one thing I loved about Spencer was that she was honest with me. Even though she couldn't always tell me everything up front at first, she'd always come back to me with the rest of her stories later on. I knew she just needed time most days to try and word things. It was how she worked and I respected that.

I was so in love with her that I knew if I had to, I'd let her go if it meant her happiness. Which was why I called Ashley to come see her; if those two had any more chances at a future, I was no longer going to stand in the way. I didn't want to be in pain but Spencer meant the world to me and I was willing to _let go_.

It took a second to register the fact that Kyla was in front of me, talking. I blinked and smiled apologetically at her but I think she knew how I was feeling. "Sorry," I murmured.

"It's okay," she dismissed softly and played with her perfectly manicured nails, "so, why did you do this?"

I looked up at her and bit my lip. "What do you mean?" I knew what she was asking.

Why did I invite Ashley to the book signing?

"Why did you call her?" Kyla licked her lips and her head tilted curiously.

I took a deep breath and tied my hair back in a ponytail, blowing strands of hair away from my face. "I think Spencer needs her," I cleared my throat, "I know she needs her. And I know by the way you're looking at me, you're finding it hard to believe that I'm really doing this for the sake of her sanity."

"It's just you're going to be the one that's standing with a broken heart in your hand," Kyla said honestly, "we know Spencer loves you Carm, but we both know that she's still very much in love with Ashley."

I hung my head slightly because she was right. I was being a fool by letting myself get played. I couldn't help it. Maybe I wanted to believe that all the looks Spencer gave me were complete devotion, all her kisses and touches were only shared with me, all her thoughts and dreams wanted to be shared with me. Hearing Kyla tell me the painful truth, I knew that inviting Ashley was the right thing to do.

Even if she was the one that made Spencer cry during certain moments.

I was the one that picked up the pieces of her broken heart and there I was, trying to put it back together again – the only way I knew how.

--

_She called me early that morning. Spencer called me because she wanted to see me again. I was over the moon happy and jumped at the chance to hang out with the gorgeous blonde that occupied my mind day in and day out. _

_I stood on the boardwalk and paced quietly, waiting for her to show up. She said she was just finishing catching up with an old friend and would swing by the café to pick me up. I had moved from San Francisco to LA to try and make her and I work out. We had been on a few dates and she confessed she'd love to see me again but with our schedules with her school and my own business starting up, it was hard to find time to make it up this way to see her. I was missing her more than I'd ever confess to her._

"_Carmen." Spencer snuck up behind me and I turned around only to find tears threatening to spill from her eyes._

"_Hey," I frowned and spoke softly, "what's wrong?"_

_She shook her head and wiped the tears away. "Nothing, sorry, I just had an emotional day with a friend."_

"_Oh." I licked my lips and played with the zipper on my purse. "Spence, we can cancel and do this another time if you want too. I really don't mind."_

"_No," Spencer smiled sadly and reached for my hand, "we can do this, I just really need time to process the information in my head."_

_I nodded my head and smiled as she squeezed my hand. "Well, where would you like to go?"_

"_Here." Spencer nodded and sat down on the boardwalk, her feet in the sand. "Unless you're hungry?"_

"_I had a late lunch," I fibbed. She wasn't hungry and even though I was, I just wanted time with her. "We can grab something in a bit."_

_We sat in silence for a few minutes before Spencer hung her head. "I'm sorry." She apologized._

"_Talk to me," I inched closer and rubbed my thumb on the back of her hand. She looked up at me with her beautiful blue eyes and smiled sadly. "You can tell me anything, Spence."_

"_I know." Spencer smiled softly and turned a bit to face me. "It's just not the kind of talk you would have on a date."_

_My ears perked up. It was the first time she ever mentioned our outings as a date. Of course I always count them as dates seeing as we were holding hands the second time we hung out. "Well, how about you talk and afterwards, we'll begin our date."_

"_Really?" Spencer tilted her head with another gorgeous soft smile. _

"_Yea." I breathed and squeezed her hand once again._

_Spencer went on to tell me about her day at a café where she found out her ex-girlfriend was getting married. She seemed so heartbroken over it and I couldn't help but feel a tad jealous, yet I still wanted to show that I was there for her. She apologized again but I assured her that it was okay, she could talk to me about anything._

"_How are you not running away?" Spencer asked in awe._

"_Because," I blushed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, "I like you. And I love the time we spend together."_

_Spencer ducked her head and blinked slowly, a slow grin crossing her face. "Good," she whispered, "because I like you too, Carmen."_

_I felt giddy inside. Like the time when Melissa Atkins kissed me at a party back when I was a Junior. I had the hugest crush on her and we dated for seven months before she moved away with her family. I was heartbroken but I moved on. Spencer was different. She felt different to me and I couldn't help but want to be closer. _

"_So how about that dinner?" I stood up and wiped the back of my jeans off before helping her up._

_I felt hands cup my face and lips pressed gently against mine. It wasn't a deep kiss but it was the fact that Spencer kissed __**me**__. I pulled back and noticed her eyes were closed. "Spenc-"_

_Then lips were on mine again. Another soft kiss and that time her lips curled into a smile. "So…" she grinned. "Food?"_

_I knew at that exact moment that I was falling desperately and deeply in love._

--

When I asked Spencer to marry me, I knew she would either say yes but tell me we'd have to wait or she wouldn't give me an answer right away.

I knew her more than she thought I did.

Spencer stood there, with her mouth hung open the moment I showed her the ring. I asked her to marry me but if she couldn't marry me, to take the ring as a symbol of love and promises.

She did.

She took it silently and kissed the side of my cheek, thanking me. I won't lie and say that my heart had officially sunk that day. I tried to let it roll off my shoulders and after a few weeks, it did. She was still with me and we had good times. Nothing changed between us.

I glanced back at Spencer and felt my throat go dry the moment I noticed she was now looking into the eyes of her 'true' love. I licked my lips and looked away again, facing Kyla. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

Kyla shook her head with a small smile gracing her lips. "You'll make a woman very happy one day, Carm." She patted my shoulder. "And you deserve to have that happiness and love given back to you with the same intense feeling."

I nodded and glanced back at Spencer. "I just wish it were her."

I didn't want to let Spencer go – but I knew that it would be the best thing to do.

For the both of us.

--


	20. Starting To Heal

**Previously:  
**

"We're almost there!" Kyla squealed in my ear and I closed my eyes, listening to Spencer's voice as it flowed through the air. Her laughter made me jump a little.

"I don't think I can do this." I whispered in a panic.

"We did not fly across the country for you to chicken out!" She hissed in my ear. "I'm going to go find Carmen."

"Wait, what?" I watched her wave as she bolted inside the shop, leaving me alone.

That was it. The time had come for me to step forward.

"Hi," Spencer had said with her head down, grabbing a different marker, "I'll be right with you."

I nodded, knowing she couldn't see me.

"Okay," she smiled and finally our gazes locked. We stared at each other, intensely was an understatement.

All that was heard was the silence and the waves washing up on shore.

**19 - Starting To Heal**

**SPENCER**

"Ashley?" I shook my head and took my sunglasses off. "How'd… I mean…"

"It was a really great book." She said sincerely and laid it out in front of me. "You're one hell of a writer. I guess you found your calling."

"My calling?" I sat back and tried to get my heart to slow down. "You really read this?"

"I did." Ashley whispered and looked at me before glancing down at the book. "Uh, I uh, really think that it's deep and personal."

"Yea," I breathed and for a minute there, I forgot that we were holding up the line, "um, did you want me to sign?"

"Of course." Her husky voice whispered and she smiled, opening up to a certain page. The waterfall reference. "The last time I checked," she leaned over the table and smiled softly, "there were no jagged rocks."

I swallowed and turned my head around to find Kyla and Carmen in a conversation, not paying attention to me. "Really?"

Ashley nodded and I felt her eyes watch my hand move as I signed her book. "Thank you."

"Ash," I grabbed her wrist and felt myself stand up, "please stick around?"

"I'm only here for you, Spencer." Ashley smiled at me and nodded towards the ocean. "Come meet me when you're done."

I didn't know what possessed me to ask her to stick around. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that she could always give me. She was _Ashley Davies_. Despite how excited I was about my book signing, knowing that Ashley was just fifteen feet away really made me want to pack up and be with her.

Two hours later, I was sweaty and my hand was slightly cramped – along with my cheeks because of all the smiling I had to do. It wasn't forced though, I was very thankful people had such a strong response to my book.

"How'd it go?" Kyla smiled as I pushed back my chair, standing up to stretch.

"Good." I nodded and she grinned. "Um," I looked back towards the ocean and found Ashley sitting, watching the waves as they crashed, "I think she was the last person I expected to see here."

"Quite the surprise, huh?" Kyla smiled softly and placed a friendly hand on my arm.

"Why did you invite her?" I asked, not in a rude way, just really curious.

"Spence," she sighed and shook her head very slowly, "I didn't invite Ashley."

"Oh." I frowned, seriously confused.

"Are you upset that she's here?" Kyla asked me quietly, raising an eyebrow in question.

I shook my head and looked back at Ashley, who was now dragging her fingers into the sand. "If you didn't invite her…"

"You have your lovely girlfriend to thank."

I whipped my head around to see Carmen helping someone pick out a design for their board. I frowned and bit my bottom lip. "Why?"

"She loves you." The brunette shrugged and kissed my cheek before telling me she was going to run to the washroom.

I sighed heavily and chewed my bottom lip in thought. My feet seemed to have a mind of their own as they took my away from the shop and towards _her_.

I quietly sat down beside her and pulled my knees up to my chest, tucking some hair behind my ears. We were quiet for a few minutes, just enjoying the silent company. I blinked and squinted as the sun reflected off the water and into our direction. "Sometimes this is the most peaceful spot for me." I finally spoke, not looking at her.

"This _exact_ spot?" Her voice was smooth and I could tell there was a small smirk in it without even looking at her.

"Well, probably about two feet to the left, yea." I looked at her and we shared another smile. I sighed and began to trace my own etches into the sand.

"I missed you." Ashley whispered after another few minutes of silence. "I miss you." She corrected and I looked at her, but she quickly looked away. "Sometimes I wonder if being here is a mistake."

I nodded slowly and picked up some sand, letting it slide through my fingers.

"Not that being near you, or being here for you is a mistake," Ashley finally looked at me, "I just meant, _here_."

"I get it." I whispered and took a deep breath. "I miss you too." I confessed in a quiet whisper.

"Look Spence," she turned to face me, "I don't know where we are or if there ever will be an 'us' again, friendship or otherwise, but you have to know that I really do love you. It may be a little too heavy to hear right now but with the off chance that I may never see you again, I just need you to know that I love you, Spencer."

I swallowed and cleared my throat, trying to fight back the emotions stirring through me. My lips all of a sudden went dry and I closed my eyes. "Ash," I whispered breathlessly and blinked, looking at her.

"I was one selfish bitch back in high school. How dare I choose that prick of a douche bag over you. I will forever live the rest of my life making it up to you." Ashley quickly said and I couldn't help but burst into laughter. "Too much?" She smiled sheepishly.

"Where the hell did that come from?" I dipped my head, trying to control my laughter.

"Ugh," Ashley groaned in embarrassment and covered her face with her hands, "that's the last time I take Kyla's advice. I should've just stuck with 'I miss you' and left it there."

I chuckled and shook my head. "Yea," I agreed and then calmed down a bit, "but thank you for saying it anyway."

"Way to clear the tension." Ashley shook her head and rolled her eyes at herself.

"So," I leaned back on my hands, stretching my legs out in front of me, "what was your favourite part of the book?"

Ashley smiled and shrugged. "All of it." She glanced at me and I couldn't help but blush. "You are a really good writer Spencer."

"I had really good inspiration." I whispered and bit my lip. "I'm sorry I never wrote you back."

"Don't be." Ashley shrugged and picked up a small rock, tossing it into the water. "You had every right."

"I wrote you a book though." I breathed deeply and sat up, wiping my hands free from the sand.

"You didn't have too."

"Please," I rolled my eyes and stood up, wiping off the back of my skirt, "it was everything I wanted you to know."

"I hurt you." Ashley stood up and faced me.

For the first time I was really looking at her. I glanced over every old freckle, every old scar she sported since she was little from the chicken pox, and took in the new freckles, ones I've never really noticed before.

"You did." I nodded and wrung my hands together. "Bad."

"I know." Ashley whispered and ran her own hands through her hair. "God Spence, I'm such an ass. I really shouldn't hav-" she sighed deeply as I placed a finger on her lips.

"You're sorry, I know." I nodded and dropped my hand to my side. "This all seems so…surreal."

"Looks like someone's waiting for you." Ashley nodded up towards the shop, where Carmen stood there looking at us.

"I should go." I immediately felt bad for forgetting about Carmen being around. Ashley's presence consumed me like no other.

"Hey," her hand caught my wrist and we both smiled at the contact, "will I see you again?"

I thought about it for a moment. I didn't know if it would've been a good idea but the thought of not seeing Ashley again hurt me worse than what I was going through for the past five years. "I'd love that." I smiled before taking her hand and squeezing it briefly.

I walked away from her but that time, it felt different. It felt like I was walking away just so I could walk right back into her life.

--


	21. Breaking & Breathing Again

**20 - Breaking & Breathing Again**

**SPENCER**

She poured me some fresh squeezed orange juice and then sat down, facing me. Her grey eyes were distant like they never were before. She didn't really blink; she just sat there watching me. "You had a really great turn out." Finally words left her lips.

"I did." I smiled softly and patted her hand, which was splayed next to mine. "Thank you."

"For what?" She whispered.

"Believing in me." I shrugged and picked at the material of my board shorts.

"No need to thank me, Spence," she smiled and sat back, "you had a story to tell and you told it very well."

I cast my eyes downwards somewhat in guilt. "Are you upset?"

"Why would I be upset?" Carmen sat up straighter and looked at me. "You wrote a love story that has yet to see its happy ending. You wrote true words and even though they weren't about me, they were beautiful."

"Why'd you do it?" I asked quietly. I needed to know why Carmen was pulling Ashley in closer. "You invited Ashley after I told you not too."

"Are you complaining?" Carmen raised an eyebrow. "Look, we both know I don't do this jealousy thing well and it's not even that I'm jealous. God Spence, you let Ashley walk away years ago because you thought she was happier with Aiden. You didn't bother to fight for her because her happiness meant more to you than your own did."

"Carmen," I sighed, "it was high school."

"And?" She laughed a little bit and shook her head. "So you wrote a whole love story about a girl back in high school, whom you kissed three months ago and are still in love with?"

I stared at her blankly. It was the very first time Carmen voiced her observation out so bluntly and truthfully.

"You tried so hard to forget about her, so many years I tried to get inside your heart and just when I thought I was breaking through, you received a wedding invitation from Kyla." Carmen started to trace small circles along the inside of my wrist. "I know I pushed you to go, I know that I pretty much made you face Ashley again but only because I thought what you needed was closure."

I could see the tears that started to form in her eyes and I grabbed her hand, stilling it against my wrist. "Me too."

"Maybe," she sighed and looked away, swallowing hard, "but I think the moment you saw her was the moment you knew that closure wasn't what you needed. She was- is what you need. And I've been being selfish because _you_ make _me_ so happy."

I swallowed just as hard and I felt her shaky hands grab onto mine. Carmen's known all along how I felt and she still tried to make it work. She was sacrificing her own painful feelings to try and heal mine. I closed my eyes tightly. "I wish it was you I could fall in love with." I whispered and it seemed to have echoed through the living room.

"It's not fair to either of us," Carmen's eyes welled up with tears and blinked them back, trying to keep them at bay, "you're not happy with me, not like you should be. And I know I shouldn't have to watch you pine over a woman who clearly still holds your heart in the palm of her hand. She's your waterfall Spence, she's everything you dream of and everything you fear."

"Carmen." My voice cracked because I knew what she was doing. "Please…"

"I love you. I love you so much and more than you'll ever know but you don't belong with me." She stood up and paced somewhat while we both tried to catch our breaths from the sobs that we were trying to hold back. "I did the right thing," she nodded, "we've been great together. I know that you care about me deeply and I know you didn't hurt me intentionally," she knelt down in front of me; she was comforting _me_ when she was the one broken inside, "but the heart never forgets Spence and your heart will always be with Ashley."

I hung my head because she was right. Everything she was saying, was right on the money. Ashley was the only person who occupied every single inch of me and it wasn't fair to Carmen.

It never was.

"I'm sorry." I choked out and I found myself in her arms, her hands stroking up and down my back.

"I love you enough to let you go." She whispered and pulled back, her lips everywhere on my face. "I can walk away knowing that I at least got to know you - that I shared memories with you and we did have an amazing time together."

"You really are too go to be true," I husked and cupped her face, brushing her tears away with my thumbs, "Carmen, you-"

"Please Spence," Carmen stood up and shook her head, sniffling, "this is taking a lot for me to just walk away from you, from us. I can't hear how wonderful I've been, or how good I've treated you – not yet."

I swallowed thickly and nodded.

"Listen," she cleared her throat and grabbed her keys, "I'm going to go pick up some more stuff for tonight's beach party in your honour. I will see you later, okay?"

I nodded, remaining silent.

Then her lips were on my forehead, and her wet cheek pressed against my own. "Go be happy." She whispered and I closed my eyes tightly, not watching her walk away. I heard the front door shut softly.

--

I leaned against the railing on the pier and breathed in the salty air. It was a nice night and in the distance, I could hear the laughter and music, people celebrating my accomplishment. I tried to talk to Carmen, but she found excuses to leave my side and I couldn't blame her.

I felt horrible.

Carmen was the only one who gave me the time of day when it came to understanding my thoughts and feelings towards Ashley. She never judged and criticized anything I said regarding the brunette. She asked me to marry her, she asked me to just try and move on. That was all she ever asked of me. Something that seemed so simple yet hard to do. Carmen never questioned me, she just tried to understand – give me space.

She was protecting my heart and I couldn't even do the same for her. I was the reason her heart was breaking.

"Shouldn't you be over there?"

I looked over and saw Ashley pointing towards the bonfire with a small smile on her face.

"I guess." I smiled and turned around, leaning my back against the railing. "Shouldn't you be?"

Ashley looked down at the ground before looking back up at me. "Actually, Carmen told me to talk to you."

"Oh." I frowned and sighed. "Did you know Carmen and I have not once argued?"

Ashley mirrored my frown and shook her head.

"God, she's perfect." I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. "And beautiful and the kindest person you will ever meet."

Ashley stood there quietly, just looking at me, _listening_ to me. Something she hadn't really done in the past.

"She proposed to me right here, you know? This _exact_ spot. She asked me to make her the happiest woman in the world and be hers for an eternity." I looked up at the starry sky and inhaled deeply. "All she ever wanted was for me to love her," I looked at Ashley, "the way I love you."

Ashley gasped slightly and her eyes widened but she still remained quiet. It was a confession that was more pure than anything we've ever experienced.

"Carmen broke up with me this afternoon," I finally whispered, "she said that my happiness was more important to her. She's been avoiding me for the rest of the evening and now I feel like a piece of no good… I just feel like crap."

Ashley finally stepped forward and brushed a strand of hair away from my face. "I don't think I have any words to say to try and make you feel better," she offered lightly.

"I don't want to feel better," I glanced away and stepped sideways, blowing hair out of my face, "I knew what I went through with you, Ashley. I knew how I felt and how I tried so hard to forget about you, but nothing, no one could ever get rid of that feeling."

"I damaged you." She pointed out with a serious face. "Seriously, if it weren't for me, you and Carmen would be the perfect couple. Hell, you're fucking hot together." She shrugged and looked away at the darkened sky. "I'm sorry for everything, Spence."

"You think we're hot together?" I tilted my head and smiled.

"Well yea," Ashley looked at me, she really looked at me and not in a 'I'm totally checking you out' kind of way, she was just genuinely looking at me with a soft smile, "Carmen's not bad looking and we all know how hot you are."

I blushed and cleared my throat. "Doesn't matter," I sighed, "she's made up her mind and you know, it really isn't fair to her for me to be groveling back into her arms when my heart is pretty much still with you."

"Did you want a refund?" She quirked an eyebrow and we both laughed a little. I bit my lip and ducked my head slightly, shaking my head 'no'. "Good because I don't think there's a return policy on a heart exchange."

Silence was once again our best friend in that moment and then I felt her hand tug on mine slightly. "Come on," she whispered, "she threw you a party. I think you should at least thank her by enjoying it."

I smiled and allowed her to drag me quietly back to the beach party. "Hey Ashley," she stopped and looked at me again, "thank you for coming."

"Well when you have a whole book written about you, it's kind of rude not too." Ashley crinkled her nose and tugged on my hand again.

There we were, walking hand in hand across the beach together. It all felt so natural yet dreamlike. Earlier that morning I was waking up next to a woman who gave me the world and asked for nothing in return.

And at that moment, I was walking along the beach with the woman I gave the world to – and asked for nothing in return.

Life was funny that way.

But I finally felt I could breathe again.

--


	22. Warmth Of The Fire

**21 - Warmth of the Fire**

**ASHLEY**

"Okay so that guy over there totally just gave me his number." Kyla grinned as she sat next to me on the log in front of the fire. I looked at her and raised my eyebrow. "What? It's not like I'm going to use it." She scoffed and threw the number into the fire.

"Have you talked to Julian?" I asked, shifting my feet into the sand.

"Yea," she smiled and glanced at me, "he sends his love."

He was by far the best brother-in-law ever. Well, my only really. But still, the guy was perfect for my sister and I could see how happy they made each other. "You miss him?"

"Duh," Kyla smiled and looked out towards the other bon fire, where Spencer sat with Carmen, "I heard about their break up."

"I know." I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. "I can't help but feel that it's my fault."

Kyla shook her head and looked at me. "It's not, Ashley. I know you may feel responsible because feelings for you are involved but Spencer's a big girl, you know? She still loves you and Carmen knows that. I think it was very strong of her to break things off with Spence, even though she's in love with her."

"I give Carmen a lot of credit," I smiled sadly at my sister, "she loves Spencer unconditionally and enough to let her go."

"Well," Kyla nudged me and pulled out a small flask from her back pocket, offering me a sip, "Spencer felt the exact same way with you. When I told her about your and Aiden's wedding, I think that's what finally broke her."

I hung my head and snorted before looking up at the sky, taking another long swig of the burning alcohol that ran smoothly down my throat. "What I'd give to go back in time and change everything. I was so stupid and married for the wrong reasons. I never loved Aiden, God, not the way I love her."

Kyla patted me on the back and we sat in silence for a few seconds before she looked at me. "What happened in the past is not going to change. That is something we all seem to forget, you know? We think that if we change the past, it'll make things easier, which would be the ideal way but time cannot be set back. So," she patted my knee and gave me a girly smile, "as your wise and very buzzed sister, I'm going to give you a piece of advice," she leaned in closely and had a serious look on her face, "instead of dwelling on 'what might have been', make it worth while in what you can change _now_."

I blinked and felt a small smile tug at the corner of my lips.

We heard someone clearing their throat and both looked up to find Carmen standing over us. My heart pounded in my chest and I stood up, offering her a seat. She smiled and bent down, her lips bumping against Kyla's ear.

"Okay," Kyla nodded and stood up, pushing my shoulders back down to sit, "I'll be over there," she pointed towards Spencer, "play nice." She kissed my forehead and squeezed Carmen's hand before taking off towards the gorgeous blonde.

Carmen's husky laughed caught me off guard and we sat there, looking at each other in awkward silence. "You really need to relax." She offered, looking at the fire, where my eyes automatically went as well.

"It was really sweet that you put all of this together for Spencer." I nodded and picked up a stick by my feet, poking it onto the fire.

"Yea well," Carmen sighed softly, "she deserves the best."

I looked at her briefly. "She does." And she did. I didn't want to think that Spencer would be better off with someone like Carmen, someone stable and had a life going for them – but I wanted to prove that I'd grown up since high school and I understood a lot more. However, I wasn't about to push myself on the woman I walked away from years ago just because I was scared of her love.

"I think it meant a lot to her that you made it," she whispered, "she fought really hard for me not to say a word to you, but I couldn't help it. After I read it, I knew it was something you needed to read."

I shook my head and smiled, looking down at my bare feet, "I never knew that Spencer could use words in such a way that'd-"

"Melt your heart?" Carmen smiled sadly. "She's been writing poetry ever since I met her. It felt good though," she bit her lip, "to know that I was the one she shared that with first. So it kind of sucked when her first book she wrote was about a girl who broke her heart in high school."

"Oh." I swallowed and shifted. "Carmen," I sighed and bit my lip, "I'm not here to take anything from you. Spencer means the world to both of us, difference is, you showed her the world, you showed her what love felt like and I…?" I laughed a little, "I showed her a world of unhappiness and pain for the last five years."

"No," Carmen shook her head, "you did show her the world," she licked her lips and her grey eyes danced sadly within the fire light, "you _are_ her world."

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"You know what's amazing? How love works. How it moves through ones body. You must be something really special Ashley, because for her to not let you go after just ten months of dating you compared to the four years I've spent with her – how did you manage that?" She raised an eyebrow and I realized I still had Kyla's flask by my feet. I offered it to her and she took a long swig.

"I don't think I can answer that," I said in all seriousness, "I don't understand it either," she passed me the flask and it was my turn, "it's not like I treated her half as good as you do."

"Well," she sighed heavily and looked at me, "Spencer will always be a part of my life. I may need time to move on but I'll be back. She's my best friend, my family and I'm not going to let that go." She moved closer to me and closed her eyes, "treat her right this time, Ash. Cause I will kick every square inch of your ass if I hear otherwise. Spencer's already got a fragile heart from you, so please, make it better or else," she shrugged and stood up, wiping her hands on her jeans, "just make her happy."

I sat there, blood rushing through my ears after I released a breath I never realized I was holding. She walked away towards their condo and I noticed Spencer's eyes follow Carmen before they landed on me.

"You drank it all?" Kyla screeched, I never noticed her running up to me as she shook her flask upside down. She watched Carmen walk away too and sat down next to me, a hand on my shoulder, "you know, I think aside from Spencer, Carmen could turn me."

I blinked and raised my eyebrow at Kyla. She just blushed and shrugged before taking off to wrap her arm around Carmen's waist as they walked out of sight together.

I sat there by myself quietly, listening to the music that was playing while others danced and drank around a fire. I never even heard her sit beside me until I felt her fingers pressing gently onto my arm, catching my attention.

Brown met blue and we shared a silent smile.

"You shouldn't let her walk away." I finally whispered, not looking her in the eye.

"It wouldn't be fair." She whispered back, her hands clasped in her lap.

"It's not fair that she's hurting."

"It'd only hurt her more if I stayed with her to spare her feelings." Spencer finally looked at me. "I wish," she laughed quietly, "I wish that I could be in love with her. My life would be so much easier."

"What did I give you, Spence?" I frowned and turned to face her, the fire crackling quietly around us, "I mean, it was high school. What did I give you that made you not let go?"

Spencer licked her lips and brushed some hair back behind her ears. "You." She answered simply and looked at me. "Your heart."

"But-"

"High school is always full of drama, I get that. People lie and cheat in life every single day and it's usually ten times worse in high school, or at least it feels that way." She shrugged and tilted her head slightly. "But despite what happened between the awful love triangle, what made it all hurt the most was that I _knew_ I had your heart, Ash. That I knew you loved me but you were scared and didn't trust me enough. So while you walked away from me, you still had everything I had offered you and I still had your heart."

"Why?" I asked her, trying to understand why a beautiful person like Spencer would hang onto a memory of me that wasn't worth the thought. "I broke your heart, Spence. I didn't even give you a chance. Your brother died and I took off! I just," I shook my head and tried to calm myself before the tears threatened to spill, "I don't understand."

Spencer's hand was on my back, gently running her fingertips over the thin material of my black tank top. "You did break my heart. We're not going to deny that," she whispered, "and I was the one that told you to go to Europe for the summer."

"I shouldn't have gone." I blinked back the tears and immediately missed her hand on my back as she clasped her hands back in her lap.

"It's done." Spencer sighed and looked at me. "It would've been nice to know you were with me, even with a phone call. But we can't change it and we shouldn't let it consume us because then it'd overshadow everything else we've been working hard on."

"I've missed you so much, Spencer. You have no idea," I breathed and faced her.

"I think I do." She smiled softly and scooted closer. "So," she cleared her throat, "Kyla's mentioned that you've got some gigs lined up."

"Yea," I smiled and widened my eyes, "it's been crazy but I love it so far. I quit at the clinic so I could focus on my music."

"How uh," she fidgeted with her fingers before looking at me shyly, "how'd the divorce go?"

I chuckled and shook my head. "Good." I smiled and looked at her. "It's final and he didn't get a thing but his BMW and Cora."

"Really?" Spencer smiled and chuckled with me as I nodded. "God, how could you live with a guy that long?"

"I know." I rolled my eyes and we paused, temporarily forgetting about our situation. "Did you want to go check on Carmen?" I asked.

Spencer looked back at the condo and sighed. "No," she turned back to look at me, "she's actually packing some clothes and she's going to stay at a hotel for a few days. I need to respect the distance she wants."

"I'm really sorry, Spencer." I whispered.

"Don't be," she grabbed my hand and squeezed it, "it's best for us. Carman and I. She doesn't deserve to be dragged around in a relationship where she isn't the center of attention. Carmen deserves a woman who will love her fully."

"Still," I whispered and laced my fingers with hers, "no one deserves that kind of pain and I know from experience that it really sucks being the one that causes it."

"Yea." Spencer looked back towards the fire and chewed on her bottom lip. "I'm going to go grab a drink, did you want one?"

I nodded and watched her get up, wiping off her board shorts and giving me a small smile before she took off towards the other people.

When Spencer returned, we sat in silence. Silence that was more than welcomed and personally, I felt like it made us stronger.

As friends.

And a potential future.

It felt amazing.

--


	23. And It Feels Like

**22 - And It Feels Like**

**SPENCER**

"Rise and shine!" Kyla jumped on my bed and I groaned, frowning as she plopped down next to me. "Carmen gave me her key to come check on you, are you okay?"

"Peachy." I mumbled and sat up, knowing I look like a mess. "What time is it?"

"Just after seven," Kyla grinned and got up off the bed, dragging me with her, "you're going to teach us how to surf!"

"Us?" I raised an eyebrow and found Ashley sitting in my living room quietly on the couch. "Hey," I blushed. I wasn't exactly dressed. I was standing in my living room in my underwear and a cut off tank top.

"Morning." Ashley smiled and stood up, gesturing over towards the coffee pot. "I thought you could use a little caffeine."

"Thanks." I smiled and pointed towards my bedroom. "I'm just going to grab more clothes to put on."

I quickly threw on a pair of shorts and my bikini top on, knowing that the day was going to be another hot day. I pulled my hair back and checked myself in the mirror.

"You look good, Spence." Ashley smiled from the doorway and I jumped. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay." I blushed and waved my hand, turning to face her fully. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Never better." Ashley smiled and stayed outside the bedroom, looking around. Art work was hung up on every space available. Pictures of Carmen and I filtered through the bedroom we had shared for the past three years. "You have a really nice place."

"Thanks." I smiled.

"Kind of reminds me of my apartment back in New York." She looked around one last time and then her eyes fell on me as I slowly approached her. "Minus the hot blonde in my bedroom."

I shook my head but grinned, blushing yet again. "There are things about you that haven't changed."

"Nah," she followed me into the living room, "that'll never change."

"What will never change?" Kyla looked at us from the veranda.

"My undying hotness apparently." I rolled my eyes and Kyla raised an eyebrow.

"Yea, I'm with Ash on that one." She grinned and went back out onto the veranda, looking at the surfers. I came up beside her and immediately spotted Carmen.

Her blue board shorts gave her away. I had bought them for her because she had every colour of shorts but blue and what was a rainbow without blue?

"Maybe we can go some other time." Kyla frowned as Carmen sat on the beach, her board in the sand beside her. "I'm going to go see her," she turned to look at me, "I'll catch up with you two later, kay?"

I missed Carmen. I actually missed hearing her get up in the morning getting reading for her daily surf time or early morning jog. She'd always wake me up and I'd be right there beside her. If I didn't go, she'd come in afterwards and make me breakfast or we'd share longer mornings in bed.

No, my relationship with Carmen was not bad. My heart belonged to another but my attention was focused on her. I thought about her all the time. Maybe not enough, but she was still there. I laughed at her jokes, I'd shiver at her touches and I'd melt whenever she'd tell me I was beautiful.

I glanced at the woman standing beside me. She… she made me feel it all. Ten fold. Ashley would touch me and I'd be in another world for hours, she'd tell me a joke and I'd be laughing about it days later, when she'd tell me I was beautiful I was mush and couldn't form a sentence without stuttering.

Carmen wasn't Ashley and that was what it all boiled down too.

Yet I missed my best friend.

"Did you want to be alone?" Ashley's voice broke through my thoughts and I dipped my head, shaking it gently. "Are you sure?"

"Yea," I nodded and pointed towards the kitchen, "how about that coffee." We got comfortable on the stools at the island counter and I chewed on my bottom lip, looking at her and her attire. A black shirt that tied up at the back, which also revealed she was wearing a black bikini top and a short jean skirt. I missed seeing her in those jean skirts. "When are you and Kyla going back?" I finally spoke.

Ashley peeked over her glass at me with those brown eyes and took a sip of her coffee. "A week," she smiled, "figured we'd catch some sun while we were here. Kyla's looking forward to going home though, but she's having a blast."

"She's been great." I nodded and glanced down, picking at the counter with my thumbnail. "She's been a really great friend to Carmen."

"I think she's got a small girl crush on her," Ashley smiled and laughed quietly, "but yes, she's been great."

"Too bad we didn't notice Carmen before in high school," I chuckled, "could've totally hooked them up."

Ashley shared a smile with me and licked her lips. "Hey Spence," she looked at me and wrapped both her hands around her mug, "I know these past two days have been pretty uh, hard for you. I mean, you did a book signing, I shocked the hell out of by being here _and_ well, Carmen broke up with you," she hesitated and it was rather refreshing to see her finally be and feel vulnerable for once instead of 'Miss I'm perfect'. "But if you need space and time alone, I totally understand."

I sighed and tightened my ponytail before resting my chin on my hand, looking at her. "Thank you," I softly spoke and smiled lightly, "but I really don't want to be alone."

I was scared she'd get away again.

"Okay." She nodded and smiled before taking another sip of her coffee. "So I was thinking," she got up and grabbed her purse, "we should go for a drive. Just, get lost for a bit. Maybe grab some food at our favourite breakfast place like we used too."

"Randy's?" I raised an eyebrow. "I haven't been there for years."

There was a lot I stopped doing since high school.

"Well then," she wrapped her delicate fingers around my wrist gently and tugged me, "let's go."

--

Laughter.

Smiles.

Stolen touches and glances.

Our day consisted of it all. I felt bad knowing that while I was having a good time; Carmen's heart was breaking in the palm of my hand.

Kyla had called Ashley to let her know that she'd be spending the night with Carmen to keep her company. Ashley smiled and closed her phone, telling me that I could still change my mind and be alone.

I had to thank Kyla for helping Carmen through it. Maybe I should've been more heart broken over the loss of Carmen as a girlfriend but I couldn't. Not with Ashley right beside me on the boardwalk.

"So, a walk on the beach to end this beautiful evening?" Ashley smiled at me and bumped my shoulder as we started to walk along the shoreline. It was dark out but I had never felt safer.

"This reminds me that one time you dragged me out here at two in the morning," I snickered and looked at her, "we stayed here until sunrise."

Ashley blinked and smiled slowly, ducking her head. "It was a pretty amazing night. I think about that night all the time." It was one of those nights where we couldn't keep our hands off each other yet we didn't have sex. The make-out session was more sensual and erotic than any sex I've ever had. It wasn't about the physical contact; it was about what was in our hearts.

It was beautiful and I thought about it all the time as well.

She looked at me and licked her lips, "doesn't this feel like we're back in high school?"

"Slightly." I smiled back and went back to looking at the sky as we slowly made our way further down the beach.

"Only," Ashley breathed and I felt her fingers skimming over my arm and down to my fingers where she laced them with mine, "our hands were usually linked," she bit her lip, "is this okay?"

I swallowed and felt air escape my lungs. I couldn't help but need her contact. I slowly nodded my head and we continued to walk, hand in hand.

"I think my heart is ready to jump out of my chest." Ashley admitted, blushing.

"Me too." I whispered and stopped again. "It's a beautiful night."

"Yea." She nodded and squeezed my hand before letting go and sitting in the sand. "I hated New York," she shrugged, "the city lights were too distracting. I missed the beach."

"That's why I moved back here," I crouched down and played in the sand, "missed the beach."

But I really missed the memories that were created on the beach.

"Well," she smiled at me, "we should get you home. It's late and even though I don't have to worry about your wicked mother and a curfew, I still think you should get some rest."

I nodded. I wasn't about to argue. I knew that the closeness of Ashley and I was happening way too fast. I thought it'd be best if we called it a night because I needed time to think.

We slowly made our way back to my condo building and I felt Ashley look at me a couple of times and I stole a few glances as well.

The things that woman made me feel with just a glance. I melted.

Every. Single. Time.

She walked me up to the door and leaned against the gate. "I had a good day Spence," she blinked slowly with a smile gracing her features, "thank you."

"Thank you." I offered and played with my keys in my hand, twirling them nervously.

"Can I call you tomorrow?" Ashley asked just as nervously.

"I'd love that." I smiled and grabbed her phone, quickly putting my number in it. "I'm up at the ass crack of dawn, so feel free to call whenever."

"I'll take advantage of that." Ashley smiled and opened the gate for me, following me to the main door. I leaned against it once it was opened and openly gazed at her. "Spence," she whispered and stepped closer, her hands grasping mine, "you look very beautiful." Her voice was husky and low.

Melted mush.

Mush that melted.

Mushted.

"Uh," I cleared my throat, "thank you."

"I'll call you," she whispered and then I felt her lips on the corner of my own, lingering for a few seconds while my heart hammered hard in my chest. "Night."

I only nodded and waved before touching the spot where her lips had just been. I watched her disappear behind the building and I turned and made my way slowly down the hall.

I felt my phone vibrating and answered it without even looking at the caller ID. "Hello?"

"_I'm calling whenever,"_ she said teasingly and I couldn't help the beats my heart skipped, _"I was thinking, since we kinda had a 'redo' day, you know, breakfast, lunch, dinner, hand holding, the nervous kiss on the cheek and the butterflies that were flying around in my stomach," _she took a deep breath, _"I figured we should at least come full circle and talk for a bit on the phone."_

"I'm all about coming full circle," I laughed and shut my door behind me, throwing off my sandals while stripping my shorts off and grabbing water. "Now this," I whispered, "feels like high school."

"_Some things never change, Spence."_ She laughed softly.

Music to my ears.

No, some things were never meant to change.

At all.

And that was one thing I never wanted to change.

I'd make sure of it.

--


	24. Willing To Wait

_**Lyrics are in bold italics. The lyrics belong to **_The Honorary Title – One Week. _**(I found it rather fitting.)**_

**23 - Willing To Wait**

**ASHLEY**

"So, sing to me." Spencer crossed her legs on the floor of my hotel room and looked up at me, where I sat on the bed with my guitar.

"What did you want me to sing?" I put my guitar pick between my teeth and tightened a few strings, tuning it.

"Anything." She shrugged and brought the beer bottle to her lips. "Something you wrote?"

I laughed nervously and took my pick, strumming a few chords. "Well," I sighed and let out a shaky breath. "I wrote one right before I came here. It's a little scattered and will probably scare you away."

"I'm not running." Spencer grinned.

"I haven't played it yet." I countered with a grin of my own.

It had been four days since I found myself faced with Spencer again. Three days since we hung out almost every spare second. I kept my distance and though I wanted to grab her and kiss her, I couldn't.

Neither of us were ready. I wanted her to be sure of her actions and I wanted to be sure of my own.

I don't think I expected Spencer to let me walk back into her life so easily. Then again, it wasn't easy when she kissed me goodbye three months ago. Knowing that her intentions of doing so were to try and say goodbye for good but then realizing it was a kiss of hope. Sometimes she confused me but that's what I loved about her.

Speaking about the 'L' word, neither of us had mentioned it since our last deep talk. Carmen had called Spencer earlier that morning and they went for breakfast. They must've spent the remainder of the day together because I was stuck with my sister and her excessive talk about how cool Carmen really was. I teased her about having a crush and she didn't deny it. I found it cute.

I was sitting in my room with my guitar trying to write a new song when Spencer came knocking. I opened the door and she gave me a hug. God, it felt so good to have my arms wrapped around her while she held me.

"So play it." She said, ripping me free from my thoughts.

I cleared my throat and nodded. "But I'll have to tackle you if you end up trying to bolt on me, got it?"

"I won't bolt!" Spencer whined and scooted closer, her fingers leafing through some of my old lyrics. "Just play, Ash, please?"

I smiled and licked my lips before my fingers started hitting all the right chords.

_**Have your lips graced another's yet  
Or am I the only one?  
Every time I try to speak to you  
Those are the thoughts that run  
Say something else, girl  
I don't want to have to leave  
Our communication is hardly what it used to be**_

Our eyes met and she dropped the papers that were in her hand. She smiled and brought her knees up to her chest.

_**When can I claim you to be my own, so selfishly?  
When can I claim you to be my own, my only?**_

_**Want nothing more than our futures to collide  
Can tell this is going to be one of many disappointing nights  
Traces of you are so minimal  
A black and white by photo book with us**_

I closed my eyes, trying my best not to fall so deeply into her own.

_**When can I claim you to be my own, so selfishly?  
When can I claim you to be my own, my only?**_

_**And I have only one week to make you mine  
And I may never see you again  
It's not only for me, it's not only me  
There's a little bit, a little bit here for you  
But I'm willing to wait  
I'm willing…**_

Spencer slowly made her way up on the bed, sitting down on the mattress gently. She didn't make any other movement, just sat there listening as I continued to play.

_**Day time is no longer the hours spent  
Or lit by sunlight rather the hours to obsess  
And the night is far worse  
'Cause I know you're alone with her  
And thoughts of, of us have been deserted  
It'll never be the same  
I'll never be the same again  
I'll never be the same again**_

_**I have only one week to make you mine  
And I may never see you again  
Time is few and far between  
There is someone else who needs  
There is someone else who needs your attention  
But I'm willing to wait  
I'm willing to wait  
I'm willing to wait  
I'm willing to wait**_

I slowly placed the guitar down and waited for her reaction. Spencer smiled and kicked off her shoes and scooted closer, her lips pressed so softly against my cheek. "See?" She whispered in my ear, "I'm not running."

I swallowed and blushed, taking the time to revel in the feeling of her breath against my heated skin. I fought hard not to turn my head and kiss her. I fought it with every ounce of self-control I had.

"That was beautiful." Spencer finally pulled back and smiled at me, playing with the rings that graced her fingers.

"Thank you." I blushed.

"You have a really amazing voice." She whispered and stretched out on her side, her head propped up on her hand.

"I've been practicing a lot." I mirrored her actions, facing her and playing with the rings on her fingers.

"I don't think you needed the practice," she offered politely and watched my fingers play with hers, "but I believe you will go far."

"That means a lot," I smiled and wrapped my pinky around hers, "I'm going to miss you when I leave."

"Yea, me too." She sighed heavily and then took her hand away from mine as she bounced back on the floor to her shoulder bag. "I have something to share with you as well." She pulled out a magazine and came back up on the bed, lying on her stomach as she thumbed through the pages before stopping and pushing the article into my lap.

I smiled, it was the newest rough draft issue of her column in 'LA Junkie'.

"It hasn't been finished yet but I snagged a draft when I was picking up my check." She smiled warmly and licked her lips. I stared at her for a few minutes and she quirked an eyebrow, "Ash, the words aren't written on my face."

"Oh. Right." I cleared my throat and painfully tore my eyes away from her, glancing down at the words.

**The Warmth of You – Spencer Carlin**

**When the sun rises, I can feel the heat crawl across my skin. I don't have to open my eyes to know it's there. It feels like You. When the window is open, I can smell the delicate scent of the ocean and it reminds me of You. **

**I've washed away all the coldness that had been in me for years. I've dusted away the cobwebs that housed my mind and blurred all the good warm memories that were so beautifully created. **

**When the rain falls upon my skin, I still feel the dryness that You have provided invisibly for so many years. I don't know how I'd feel if I ever felt that wetness that you've protected me from.**

**Time is delicate and when You decide to return to where you once came, I'll just have to hold onto those memories and hope that what was once created –**

**can be relived.**

I blinked a couple of times before exhaling the air from my lungs, my eyes searching for hers. Spencer had her eyes down on the comforter and she was frowning. "Spencer," I breathed her name in a mere whisper, "that was absolutely beautiful."

She shrugged and finally her beautiful blues landed on me. "It's rough and unfinished really. I don't even know if I'll keep it."

I nodded and swallowed. "For what it's worth," I offered quietly, "it's definitely a keeper."

Spencer nodded. "Carmen thought so too."

I wasn't surprised that Carmen would've read it first. She spent the whole day with Spencer and I was glad. Carmen's been by her side for years and though I envied her time with Spencer, it was my fault that I gave that possible 'my' time up.

"She actually offered to read it. If it was anything like my book, she wanted first dibs." Spencer blushed slightly and picked up the rough draft, closing it and tossing it carefully on the floor by her bag.

"Of course," I smiled and nodded towards the magazine draft, "thank you for sharing that with me as well."

Spencer nodded but remained quiet, looking around the room. "So, what are yours and Kyla's plans for later on tonight?"

"Uhm," I laughed and shook my head, "Kyla hasn't been in this hotel room for two nights, I don't think she'll be back tonight either."

Spencer raised her eyebrows and let out a soft laugh. "She needs to get back home to her husband, hanging out with us three lesbians is getting to her head."

"Tell me about it." I laughed quietly and shook my head. "She's never crossed that line though. She's too much in love with Julian."

Spencer agreed and stood up, walking over to the glass of the window. Her eyes scanned the beach and she turned around. "Am I going to see you again?" She asked, her eyes boring into mine.

I opened my mouth and shut it just as quickly. "I would like to think so."

"Yea, but thinking and knowing are two different things." Spencer whispered, looking back out at the beach.

"Spence," I came up behind her and watched her eyes scan the scenery through the reflection of the window, "if it's up to me then yes. You will see me again," I swallowed and looked down at my fingers, "question is, will _I_ see _you_ again?"

She slowly turned around and glanced at me for the longest time before her hand dropped to seek out mine. "It's weird how things turned out," she pondered quietly, furrowing her eyebrows and tilting her head, "I mean, I could've been engaged to a wonderful woman, you know? When I got the invitation to Ky's wedding I wasn't going to go. Carmen convinced me otherwise, she wanted," she blinked and squeezed my hand, "she wanted me to have closure with you."

I swallowed and let out a slight smile. "Closure is kind of stubborn isn't it?" I joked and she just smiled before licking her lips.

"The truth is Ash," she sighed and leaned against the window with her back pressed against the glass, "I wanted you to beg for forgiveness. I wanted you to just, plead and convince me that you've changed. I didn't want to be this accepting," she cleared her throat, "but you're not who you used to be. You've changed and so far, I love who you are." Spencer shrugged with a half smile, "I wish you were like this back in high school, so much time went by and I honestly don't know where to go from here."

"Maybe we just have to let it be?" I whispered, sliding my fingers down the side of her face. "Trying would mean we're unsure right? Isn't that your quote in your book? **'I wish some things weren't meant to be on trial. Trying would mean a decision is made based on insecurity or doubt. I **_**tried**_** to forget you. I'm **_**trying**_** not to fall in love with you all over again. I've **_**tried**_** to love her the way I love you. None of this "trying" seems to be successful. Therefore I will just say, I will not forget you, I will fall in love again and I cannot love her the way I love you.'**".

"You seriously need a life." Spencer blushed as I quoted her in her book. She ducked her head and I chuckled. "I didn't think the book was that bold." She tucked a curl behind my ear and tapped my cheek with her fingertips lightly. "So what, we just play it day by day?"

"Friends." I smiled softly.

"Friends?" She quirked an eyebrow.

"For now." I confirmed and stepped back from her, making sure she knew I was serious.

Friends. It wasn't where I wanted to be with Spencer but time was fragile and I knew we needed that time to heal what had been broken between us and what had been broken between her and Carmen. I wanted to show that I can respect her relationship with the brunette and I wasn't there to push.

I was just thankful she was letting me in again.

Slowly but surely.

Friends.

I was looking forward to the fresh start.

--

_And they called it Spashley loooOOooove... hehe! More tomorrow, I promise!_


	25. Wish You Were, Gay

_Because I care what happens to Carmen and what she's feeling..._

**24 - Wish You Were…Gay**

**CARMEN**

I sputtered around my shop finding things that needed to be done before I opened the next day. I had a few hours left before close and the sun was going to be out longer than that, but I had a headache that was more than I was used too.

"Need any help?" I heard the soft comforting voice and grinned, not having to turn around to know who it was behind me.

"I'm thinking that you just may be a stalker, Mrs. Lee." I chuckled and was met with her brown eyes

"Ugh," Kyla laughed, "don't call me Mrs," she screwed up her face and shrugged, "makes me sound old."

I raised an eyebrow and shook my head. "You realize you're married right? You took his name therefore the title is all you."

"But it makes me feel old." She whined and leaned against the counter, her tank top riding above her stomach. Kyla was attractive but she was also straight.

And I was healing.

"And I'm not stalking," she pouted and hopped up on the counter, looking at me with, "I'm simply here to help."

"Your sister probably already thinks we're having an affair." I chuckled and threw her a rag to clean off the dust the sand caused on my register.

"Are you offended?" She gasped mockingly and threw me a smirk. "Do you not find me attractive? Do I repulse you?"

"Hardly." I laughed and bit my lip. "Just clean."

Kyla remained quiet for a few minutes before she kicked me on the back of my thigh. "How are you?" She asked softly, her playful tone gone.

I nodded and leaned against a surfboard. "Coping."

"If you ever need time alone Carm," Kyla shrugged and hopped off the counter, facing me, "just let me know."

I smiled and patted her shoulder. "You've been awesome Kyla and I admit, I love your company. You're keeping me sane."

"It's just with Spencer and Ashley hanging out all the time…"

"I'm not hurt because of that," I admitted, "they belong together and who am I to stand in the way when I clearly know. I guess it'd be different if I didn't know or wasn't aware."

"You're a bigger person than I would've been." Kyla smiled softly.

"I wish you were gay." I breathed with a slight laugh.

"They say I have potential." She nodded confidently.

"Spencer said she tried to set you up with a girl in high school." I chuckled as she blushed.

"That's because I had it for a certain blonde we both know." Kyla rolled her eyes and shoved me playfully. "Besides, I guess I was still figuring out who I was. After moving from Baltimore to LA, life became so different. Spencer understood that so the connection we shared was-"

"Breathtaking?" I offered sincerely.

"Yea." She nodded and shrugged. "Then I started to fall for Douche, formerly known as Aiden."

"What is it about him? Didn't Spencer like him at one point too?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. It wasn't like Aiden was the ugliest guy on the planet, but I've definitely seen more attractive men.

"Ugh." Kyla laughed. "I wasn't there to experience the whole mess but she did go out with him to try and prove to herself that she wasn't in love with Ashley."

It was always about Ashley.

That was set in stone.

"Feel free to make out with me whenever, Carm," Kyla teased, breaking the tension.

"Yea," I shook my head, "I'll get right on that." I joked and turned back around to finish waxing a board. "I don't kiss married women," I said when I felt her move behind me.

Kyla wrapped her arms around my waist from behind and pressed a delicate kiss to my tanned shoulder. "I wonder how Spencer could not fall in with you. It seems natural." She whispered before pulling back and going about her business.

I swallowed and looked at the goosebumps that the brunette had so easily caused.

It was no use to think about Kyla that way. She was married, her heart belonged to another and mine…?

"Carmen?" Spencer's voice rang through my head.

…Was with her still.

"Spencer!" Kyla squealed and threw herself at her best friend. "Where's Ash?"

Spencer shook her head with a soft smile. "I haven't seen her yet today."

Kyla and I raised our eyebrows at each other and then she looked between Spencer and I. "I'm gonna go and take a walk. I'll be back to help you later." Kyla smiled and took off.

"Can I ask you a question?" I watched the brunette jog down the beach.

"Anything." Spencer was beside me, helping me put on the wax, her hair falling in front of her face.

"It's about Kyla," I laughed as the blonde's head snapped up to look at me, "is she always that bold in her flirting?"

Spencer chuckled and nodded. "Pretty much. Kyla's harmless though, she'd never overstep boundaries that aren't supposed to be – especially now that she's a married woman."

I nodded slowly and wondered if a kiss to the shoulder was overstepping a boundary.

"So how are you?" I asked my ex as she concentrated on waxing the board.

"I miss you." She offered quietly before looking up at me. "I think about you all the time."

"Spence," I sighed and she shook her head.

"Not like that," she said quickly and moved to be eye level with me, "I just miss you Carmen. I think a part of me has no right to miss you but at the same time, I can't help it. You've been my best friend for years. You've been the woman who stood beside me through thick and thin. You were the heart that kept me going all these years. You were the reason I did smile, you know? Or that I laughed."

"I get it," I whispered and cupped her face, "I get that I was important to you. That you loved me and cared about me. I also know that you weren't in love with me."

"I wanted to be," Spencer stressed, "I'd wake up and just hope that it'd be the day that I would become yours. Just, completely yours."

"Spencer, I love you." I cried softly. "What you have with Ashley is real. It just took you two this long to figure things out but now that you've got her back in your life, don't let her go again, okay?"

"Can I, Can I help you with anything?" Spencer offered quietly and I frowned, looking around the shop.

"Actually," I grabbed her hand and held it to my chest, "do you think you could close? I'm really not feeling well and I'd like to lie down."

"Sure." Spencer frowned in concern but before she could say anything, I kissed her cheek and grabbed my keys.

"Spence?" I turned around and found her staring at me. "I miss you too."

--


	26. My Sundown

**25 - My Sundown**

**ASHLEY**

"Ashley!" Kyla slammed the door behind her and leaned against it, breathing heavily.

"What?" I jumped and peered around the bathroom wall to get a better glimpse of her. "What's wrong?"

"I," she cleared her throat, "I forgot to call Julian."

"Oh," I frowned and waved my hand towards the phone, "well call him." I finished tying up the back of my bikini top and started to put lotion on myself.

"I can't!" Kyla hissed and moved to the bathroom doorway.

"Why? Is he at work late?" I asked, looking at her.

"Well, no." She pouted and moved back to sit on the bed. "I just, it feels weird."

"What does?" I laughed and shook my head.

"Knowing that I have a husband to go home too!" Kyla whined and threw herself back on the bed.

"I knew you were too young for marriage!" I hissed and threw a pillow at her. "What is going on anyway?"

"I licahrmon." She muffled through the pillows.

"You what?" I started to get annoyed.

"I like Carmen." She breathed, her face red.

"And?" I raised an eyebrow. "She's sweet, sexy, very likable." I nodded and went back to applying my lotion.

"You don't get it," Kyla said seriously, "I really wanted to grab her today and kiss the fuck out of her."

The plastic bottle dropped from my hands and onto the hollow floor. I stared at her and shook my head. "You want to reword that sentence?"

"No!" Kyla screeched. "I did! I really wanted to grab her in that shop and just, I really really like her."

"Maybe you're just feeling bad? You know, wanting to console her."

"No," Kyla shook her head and wrung her hands nervously, "this is different. This is like that time I really wanted to kiss Spencer that one morning she brought you coffee in high school."

I smirked. I knew it.

"And if Spencer hadn't walked in at the shop earlier, I'm sure I would've," she looked at my confused face, "she's closing for Carmen by the way."

I nodded and sat beside her on the bed. "So you like Carmen?"

"Yeah. She's a really great person with a big heart. She's Carmen, you know? I haven't known her for as long as Spencer has but I bet I'm feeling more than Spencer ever will." Kyla looked scared. "I think I want to go home."

"Kyla…" I frowned.

"No, seriously. You can stay here, but I think I need to go home and be with the guy I married months ago." Kyla hopped off the bed and started to pack her clothes in a panicked state.

"Wait," I grabbed her wrist softly, "does Carmen know how you feel?"

"No!" She gasped. "And she never will."

--

I played with the stem, rolling it between my fingers as I watched her close the last shop window. She finally noticed me and smiled, making her way over to where I was standing.

I handed her the rose and kissed her on the cheek. "I've missed you today."

Spencer smelled the rose and grinned even wider. "I've missed you too." She waved the rose in front of me and raised an eyebrow. "Do friends usually give friends, roses?"

"You're a special friend." I crinkled my nose in a smile and she blushed, looking away. "I can wait while you finish closing up."

Spencer nodded and made her way back to the shop. Instead of locking the door, she went in and came out a few minutes later with two surfboards under her arms.

"Oh no no." I shook my head while she rolled her eyes.

"Come on, you leave the day after tomorrow and I've yet to show you how to surf!" Spencer pleaded, locking up the shop behind her, handing me a smaller surfboard. "I'm not saying I'm the best teacher or surfer, but still."

How could I refuse that pout?

"Fine." I smiled and shook my head, laughing, "but if I drown, I'm coming back to haunt you."

"Oh please do." Spencer teased and placed her board in the sand before stripping out of her clothes. I felt my eyes darken as more of her skin was exposed and I noticed she wasn't wearing board shorts for once. I inhaled deeply and looked away. "Ash?" She chuckled and pointed to my tank top and skirt, "you may want to lose the clothing unless you plan on surfing in your clothes."

"What if I was naked underneath?" I mocked and she raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, whatever you're comfortable with," Spencer smirked and moved closer, "just strip."

Oh. Yea… okay. I could do that.

I quickly discarded my clothes and stood there openly in my own bikini.

"Great," Spencer's eyes openly roamed up and down my body, "now let's get wet!"

Way ahead of you, babe.

--

"This is the last time I let you teach me to surf." I gasped, spitting water out of my mouth as Spencer sat on her board, laughing at me.

"That was a pretty sick wipe out." She chuckled and smirked as I scowled at her. "Oh don't be like that," she jumped off her board and held mine steady as I hoisted myself onto it.

Spencer steadied herself and jumped up, landing on my board as well. She ran her fingers through her wet hair and basked in the sunlight as it gazed down upon her with golden rays.

How could I let her go?

Ever.

"Had enough of me yet?" I asked, watching the water drops bead up and roll down her skin.

"Never." Spencer said as she opened her eyes, blinking to focus.

"I meant my wipeouts." I chuckled.

"Nah," she giggled and swung a leg over, straddling the board with me, "I had fun."

"Me too." I said in all honesty.

"Good." She grinned and it felt good to know that I was getting know another side of Spencer that was new and exciting.

"The sun is setting." I whispered, squinting as the orange colour of the planet began to slowly dip lower in the sky.

"It's beautiful." Spencer commented, not budging. I felt her fingers thread through mine as she scooted closer. "I remember that one time when we watched the sun set in silence. It was amazing, wasn't it?" She looked at me and I felt my breath catch in my throat. She was so gorgeous.

"It was." I agreed quietly and licked my lips. "Hey, thank you for the surf lessons."

"There will be more," Spencer teased and sighed, blinking slowly, "but for now I think we're done."

"Did you want to head in?" I asked gently, motioning towards the shore.

Spencer shook her head and squeezed my fingers. "Not yet."

Our heads turned in the direction of the setting sun, feeling the warmth of it slowly start to dissipate. Goosebumps were evident on our skin but we remained still.

"Ashley?" Spencer finally whispered through the soft breeze, breaking our silence and stillness.

"Hmm?" I looked at her and noticed she was closer then she was before. Her face was lined up against mine and then I felt fingers on my cheek, warming my whole body instantly.

"I still think about this," she whispered before her lips were on mine gently. I welcomed the feeling with a surprised yet pleasurable sigh. Her bottom lip moved between my own as my top lip rested between hers. My heart slammed hard in my chest, wanting to believe that it was real.

That she was really kissing me in the ocean on a surfboard at sunset.

We scooted closer together as lips caressed softly, getting reacquainted and I knew Spencer's taste would never change and it never faded.

I dreamed of tasting her again for the longest time. Not in a kiss that was goodbye, but in a kiss that was full of surprises and promises of a better future.

The board swayed in the waves that surrounded us but lips never parted. Soft fingertips pressed into the muscles on the back of my neck as she slanted her lips, deepening the kiss slightly.

Our tongues touched briefly before shyly pulling away but lips remained sealed. Pushing, pulling, caressing and _needing_. The wind picked up and only when I felt Spencer shiver, I pulled back, gasping for air. Not because I was out of breath but because I was starved for so long without her taste and touch. I wanted more.

Spencer seemed to have felt the same way as she pulled me back in the slow, wet and deep sensual kiss. Fingertips grazed every inch of exposed skin, pulling moans and sighs from bodies that rocked in the ocean softly.

Finally she pulled back, her forehead pressed against mine. "Wow," she breathed and licked her swollen lips, her eyes glancing back down to mine.

"Wow." I copied and closed my eyes, trying to conceal the deep feelings inside that were threatening to spill.

"I imagined what it would be like," she whispered hotly against my lips, "what it'd feel like when we shared our first new kiss." She bit her lip. "Nothing could ever measure up to that."

"I know the feeling." I whispered back, sliding my hands over her back and feeling the goosebumps rise even further. "We should head in and warm up."

"It's dark." Spencer observed the sun that had now set and was replaced by a moon that was gracing its presence in the sky above, along with the million stars that surrounded it.

"I'll keep you safe," I offered, pressing a kiss to her temple.

"I know." Spencer smiled and bit her lip. "But let's head in anyway, it's a little chilly."

Even though my insides were on fire, I had to admit on the outside I was a little cold as well.

Once we reached the shore, Spencer grabbed my hand as we ran to the direction of her condo.

I saw her in the corner of my eye. She was standing by her shop and I knew she saw the whole thing. But then I saw another figure and I knew who it was. Kyla grabbed Carmen's hand and lead her away from the shop into the opposite direction.

"Do friends kiss like that?" Spencer asked as she opened the door to her condo, grabbing a towel and handing it to me. "Cause," she bit her lip, "I really want to do that again."

I cupped the back of her neck and pressed her against the island of the counter, my lips covering her own in a deep, short kiss. "God your lips are addictive," I groaned and Spencer echoed the groan, her hands clutching my hips when I started to trail light kisses down her jaw.

"We need to stop," she gasped when my lips hit the sensitive spot behind her ear, "Ashley…"

"I know." I allowed my head to fall against her shoulder, holding her tight against me. "It's just been so long, I'm afraid this is a dream."

"Me too," Spencer whispered, her hands in my hair, stroking the salty tangles away, "but it's not. You know how I know?"

"How?" I blinked.

"Because for the first time in years," she whispered against my ear, "I feel alive."

--


	27. Realizing The Unexpected

**26 - Realizing The Unexpected**

**CARMEN**

"I'm leaving." She paced in front of my hotel door and chewed on her nails. "I need to just, leave."

"Kyla," I frowned and stepped closer but she backed away. "Oookay," I breathed and stepped back.

"You should come with a warning label!" Kyla finally stopped her pacing and looked right at me with her soulful brown eyes. "God, you're like this walking Goddess and I still can't believe Spencer's letting you go and don't get me wrong, I'm happy that Ashley's happy but…" she grabbed her hair and slowly exhaled, "you just need a warning label. 'Warning, I'm easy to fall in love with.'"

I gasped and she swore.

"Fuck, I wasn't supposed to say that." Kyla groaned and leaned against the wall, her head held in her hands.

This incredibly beautiful woman and gentle soul just told me she was in love with me. She told me and she wasn't running. I watched as she pushed herself away from the wall and walked towards me. "Tell me I'm crazy," she whispered in a shaky voice, "tell me that I'm not falling for you. Tell me I'm married and I'm in love with the guy I tied the knot to a few months back."

I tried to speak but I couldn't. She looked so delicate and I feared that any sound I would produce would break her and send her fleeing.

"Tell me," she whispered lower and I jumped slightly as her hands cupped my hips, "that maybe in a small way, you think of me too."

I closed my eyes as her nose dragged lightly across the skin of my neck, her hands tightening my shirt harder into her grasp. "Kyla," I whispered hoarsely, cupping her face, trying to draw her eyes up to mine.

"You're so beautiful, Carmen." Kyla whispered, her eyes never leaving mine while her hands trailed up my back and into my hair, clutching the back of my head and pulling me against her lips in the softest yet hungriest kiss I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing.

I instinctively wrapped my own hands in her hair, enjoying the softness of her lips. It wasn't until I registered her words that I pulled back and noticed at how flushed she was, her heavy breathing, her scared look, her beautiful presence. "You're married." I whispered and moved my hands from her hair to her shoulders.

"I know." She croaked out and bit her lip. "But I … I can't help this," she hushed and pressed her forehead against mine, "I've never felt this before and as much as it scares me, it just feels so right."

I closed my eyes and shook my head, cupping her face. "Kyla, you're married. You leave the day after tomorrow back to New York to be with your husband. You'll forget about me."

Kyla frowned and pulled out of the embrace. "I will not forget about you."

"But you're still going to leave." I pushed and sighed, my heart actually felt like it was breaking. Truth was, I believed her. I believed that she felt things for me and I had to admit there was a connection there. But I wasn't going to go about things that way, with the lying and cheating. It wasn't how I rolled, no matter how good they felt.

"Carmen," she pleaded in the tiniest voice, "please just tell me you feel nothing for me. At all."

"I can't." I hung my head and tried to control my breathing, trying not to cry. "You found a way inside of me Kyla, I'm not going to deny that."

"Then why?" She cupped my face again, her delicate thumbs running down my cheek.

"You're married and I'm healing." I said and grabbed her hands from my face, squeezing gently.

"Right." Kyla sounded defeated and grabbed her purse. "I feel like one giant ass." She shrugged and didn't even try to hide the tears that started to spill from her eyes.

"Kyla…" I tried to grab her but she was already out the hotel room door and down by the elevators. Our eyes made contact as she stepped onto the lift and they remained on each other by the time the doors closed.

For the first time since finding out that Ashley came into LA, I hadn't thought about the loss of Spencer as a girlfriend.

For the first time in my life, I felt like my heart was truly taken by one person. One person that I least expected it from.

And it turned out that, that person also had another in her life.

--

_Yeah, sorry about this short chapter! I thought it'd be a nice small touch though._


	28. Finding A Way

**27 - Finding A Way**

**SPENCER**

The sun was bright as it cast shadows on many objects in the living room. I rubbed my eyes and stretched, my hand hitting another body beside me. I quickly turned to face the person and smiled as Ashley slept peacefully on her side. The pull out couch was more comfortable when you had someone in it with you, something I learned when Carmen came home from a business trip and found me curled up in a mess on the couch bed instead of our bed.

Ashley and I had fallen asleep after a long talk about where we were and what would happen the second she stepped onto the plane to head back to New York. She had another life to live in a different state.

I was a successful writer for 'LA Junkie' but it didn't matter to me as much as my next idea for a book I was cooking up. And technically I could write that anywhere. Of course the thoughts of following Ashley back to New York filtered through my mind but I knew it wasn't the best choice at the moment.

If what we had was meant to be, we'd find a way to make it work and make it work in a fashion that wouldn't feel so rushed.

"It feels good to open my eyes and see you there." Ashley's husky yet sleepy voice murmured. I looked over at her and found her eyes closed.

"Really? Figured your eyes would have to be open in order to see me." I teased lightly and leaned down to kiss her cheek. She smiled and curled herself into my pillow before opening her lazy eyes. "There you go."

"Mmm," she stretched and raised her upper body up, catching my lips in a slow kiss. "Yes, there I go indeed."

I pulled back and bit my lip, blushing as she stared at me with that gaze she used too. "What are you thinking about?" I whispered, sliding back down under the sheets and turning to face her, propping myself up on my elbow.

"You." She answered simply and tucked some hair beneath my ear. "I didn't think that we'd be here," she gestured between us and smiled softly, "together."

"So what's the first thing you're going to do when you get back to New York tomorrow?" I asked, tracing her freckles with my eyes that scattered along her face. Her face fell at my question and she sat up, running a hand through her hair before crawling out.

"I don't want to go back." Ashley sighed heavily and looked at me with sad brown eyes. "Spencer, I don't think I could bring myself to step on that plane tomorrow and leave you once again."

My heart fluttered and I shot up on my knees, her hands holding me steady at the waist as she stood in front of me. "You think it'll be easy for me to watch you go?" I whispered. "After dreaming of this moment for five years, you think I want you to head back to a life without me?"

"I didn't expect this," she blinked and squeezed my hips, her fingers dipping under my tank top, "to be here with you. To be in your arms again and to see that smile."

"Me neither," I swallowed and trailed my fingertips up her arms slowly, "I didn't think I'd find this happiness again and to be honest, it scares me."

Ashley tilted her head in question and concern. "Why does that scare you?"

"I don't want to get hurt again." I sighed and dropped my hands to my sides. "It's so hard not to be near you and when I am, it's so easy to just touch you, melt into you and admit that I love you. I'm just scared that it'll crumble and I don't know if I could handle that heartache again."

"Spencer," Ashley cupped my face, "I'm not going to hurt you. God, I'd die before that happened, you have to believe me."

I smiled lightly. "I do believe you," I brought my hands back up to her neck, "it's not you I'm afraid of, it's me."

"What?" Her voice was so soft and laced with caring concern.

"I am just so amazed at how easily we fell back into each other," I whispered, playing with the silver chain around her neck, "I mean it already hurts inside knowing you're leaving tomorrow and I just, I don't know what to do with myself."

Ashley frowned and pushed me back on the bed, crawling over my body and settling on top. I closed my eyes and moved my fingers through her hair. "So you're scared you'll run?"

"Or follow." I sighed and she moved her head to look at me.

"Really?" I could hear the excitement in her voice and see it in her dancing eyes as they searched mine.

"But I won't." I stated firmly and her face fell. "As scared as I am, shouldn't we see how it all works out while we're apart? I'm not going to take you away from your career."

"I know," Ashley sighed and dropped her head back to my chest, "I need you, Spencer." She finally whispered and I couldn't help but smile.

"I need you too." I closed my eyes and decided to just focus on her breathing and the feel of her in my arms. "We'll make this work."

Ashley snuggled closer and nodded her head, letting out a quiet yawn. It was early morning still, just after six-thirty. I was used to being up but again, Ashley didn't seem to have the same morning routine, she never did. She liked to sleep in, especially on Saturday's.

Just because Ashley was leaving for New York the following day, did not mean that I was not going to try my hardest to find a way to make it work between us.

What made it better was I knew Ashley would be fighting just as hard.

One of us was bound to cave and move.

The question was, when?

--


	29. Coming & Going

**_Hey everyone! Sorry for this overdue update. After the in-laws left, I found myself in the hospital with low oxygen and pneumonia. I'm on the road to recovery now, I'm at home and taking it easy! I thought before I head to bed, I'd give you another update. So enjoy and thank you for all the awesome reviews! Keep em comin'! (I also realize I used this same A/N in Points, but I wasn't sure which stories were read by each of you!)_**

**28 - Coming & Going**

**ASHLEY**

She was scared and I couldn't blame her. My intentions of flying out to LA for her book signing was not to leave with Spencer's heart back in the palm of my hand. I was scared too.

I watched as she talked on the phone with, who I was assuming was her mom, while she walked around the kitchen grabbing ingredients for some breakfast.

"No, I didn't forget about Glen's brithday," she looked at me and rolled her eyes. "Yes I am aware that they're going for dinner," she turned around and looked out the window, "um, no, Carmen won't be making it."

I swallowed as she bent her head down a bit and took a deep breath.

"Can I make it tonight?" She whipped around and looked at me, her phone held tightly in her hand. "I wasn't aware you wanted the dinner tonight."

"Spence," I whispered, waving my hand in front of her, "you can go." I wasn't going to stop her from spending time with her family – especially a special occasion.

She shook her head and frowned before speaking into the receiver again. "I can't promise- yes I know it's Glen's birthday but still, I have plans."

"Spencer," I sighed again and she scowled at me, holding one finger up to let me know she needed a minute.

"I'll call you if things change, love you, bye." Spencer closed her phone and threw it onto the couch before releasing a frustrated growl. "I hate when she asks me questions like I'm still in high school."

"You're her little girl," I smiled, "to her, you'll never grow up."

"Well she needs to get over it." The blonde snapped and I raised an eyebrow. She blushed and ducked her head, "sorry, I didn't mean for that to come out so mean."

"Don't let me stop you from going to your brother's dinner," I smiled sweetly and held out my hand for her to grab, pulling her onto my lap, "I can stay at the hotel for a little bit while you do your thing. I'm a big girl."

"Every second with you is crucial," her adorable frown showed itself and I couldn't help but smile and smooth it away with my thumb. Her eyes sparkled as her smile grew mischievous. Spencer Carlin still had that same 'I've-got-a-plan-brewing-in-my-head-and-you're-not-going-to-like-it-but-you'll-accept-it-anyway-because-I-am-adorable' look.

"What is it?" I sighed playfully and she pouted, twirling my hair between her fingers. "Just ask me, Spence." I snickered and she bit her lip, brushing her lips over my forehead, down my nose, across my cheeks before I felt her warm breath by my ear.

"Come with me." She husked, her fingertips walking up my side, skimming across my collarbone before cupping the back of my neck. Her lips were barely grazing mine as she whispered a hot, "please?"

How the fuck could I refuse that?

I only nodded and my thank you was another smoldering kiss. Lips parted and we went tumbling backwards hard. I barely registered my back hitting the hardwood floor because of the lips that were attached to mine. Spencer pulled back and gasped. "Oh God Ash, are you okay?"

I merely nodded, dizzy from the kiss or the fall. I couldn't tell. "Don't." I said hurriedly when she went to move.

"Don't what?" She asked, frowning in concern.

"Move." I whispered. "Don't move."

Spencer looked at me with her lips parted, breathing softly before a small smile escaped her. She moved her hands to either side of my head before her smooth legs tangled with mine, lowering her body on top of me.

I had to grasp the fact that we were about to make out on the floor of her kitchen. She was barely wearing anything and I could feel the smoothness of her stomach sliding against my own. She smelled fresh from her shower earlier and the coconut scent drove me crazy. She still used the same body wash.

"Can I move now?" Spencer whispered, her lips still brushing against mine while she talked.

I swallowed and nodded, holding back a moan when her tongue flicked my top lip before I fell captive into an endless fall of slow deep kisses.

With Spencer's boy shorts riding low, I couldn't control my hands when they made their way past her hips, thumbs sinking below the elastic as the kiss stayed at its steadied pace.

"Ashley," Spencer's voice rang through my head and I pulled back from swollen kissed lips. "We can't." She whispered hoarsely, her eyes looking down at my hands as they squeezed her hips before sliding up and tangling in her hair.

"Sorry," I whispered, my voice with laced with thick arousal, "you know how they like to wander." I said sheepishly and she smirked, nodding.

"I remember." Spencer didn't make an effort to move though. She just stayed there and looked at me with those darkened blue as the sky eyes. "I want too." She finally whispered, her head dropping back down to mine where lips met again.

Endlessly.

"Spence," I moaned softly as her nails dug into my arms, dragging them up to my neck and down my chest, "We can't." I pushed her up and she bit her lip. I tucked hair behind her ear as she straddled me. "I want to, I do. But not like this," I smiled softly and pointed to our surroundings. "As hot as it would be," I ran my thumb along her bottom lip, "I want it to be perfect."

Spencer nodded and kissed me again. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other. I wasn't complaining at all.

The front door opened and shut again and then keys were heard being thrown on the counter above us. Spencer was the first to stand up, running a hand through her damp hair and cleared her throat. "Carmen."

"Hey," Carmen kind of looked amused as I stood up slowly beside Spencer, blushing with embarrassment, "I didn't mean to bust you two."

"Oh you didn't." I bit my lip and Carmen shook her head with a soft laugh.

"Really, I'm not stupid." She proceeded to check out Spencer and closed her eyes before opening them to check back towards the washroom. "Is Kyla here?"

Spencer shook her head quickly and frowned. "I thought she was with you last night?"

Carmen raised an eyebrow. "Why would you think that?"

"Because she said she'd be with you," Spencer frowned back and moved to the fridge to grab some water.

"Um," I cleared my throat, "she told me she was thinking of leaving LA early."

Spencer spun around to look at me. "What?"

"When?" Carmen stepped closer.

"Yesterday afternoon." I shook my head and looked back and forth between Carmen and Spencer.

"Fuck." Carmen muttered and made her way to the bedroom.

"What's going on?" Spencer asked, looking at me, expecting an honest answer.

I sighed heavily and rubbed my forehead, grabbing my t-shirt that was tossed over the couch and tugged it on, feeling rather exposed with new company. "Kyla kind of took a deeper liking to Carmen." I whispered.

Eyes shot wide open and Spencer's hand covered her mouth. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that since she started having these feelings for Carmen, she's wanting to go back to New York."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Spencer frowned and looked away. "Why didn't she tell me?"

I swallowed and touched her arm to have her look at me again. "I was a little preoccupied," I blushed and Spencer couldn't help but smile, "I'm sorry."

"Spence," Carmen came back into the room with a pair of fresh clothes on and her hair tied back, "I hate to ask you this but do you think you could watch the shop until my girl gets there?"

Spencer smiled and nodded, "I can do that for you."

"Thanks," Carmen grabbed her keys and looked at me, "do you know where else Kyla would be? I tried the hotel and no one's answering the door or phone."

"She probably took off last night after she packed up her clothes." I chewed on my bottom lip and found it odd that my sister wouldn't even let me know which flight she was taking back.

"Doubt it," Carmen sighed and blinked, "She was with me last night until she kissed me and took off."

A glass slipped from Spencer's fingers and she gasped at the shattered sound. "Shit," she muttered and moved to grab some towels. "You… Kyla?"

It wasn't a jealous tone that came from Spencer. It was more of a shocked tone and she looked back at me.

"Nothing happened." Carmen answered somewhat sadly. "I told her it couldn't happen."

Kyla didn't take rejection well.

"I'm going to go look for her." I grabbed my shoes and put them on. Carmen tried to protest but I figured if I found her, I could talk to her about how she's really feeling. "Spencer," I bit my lip, "call me later, kay?"

Spencer nodded and moved to open the door for me. She stepped out into the hallway and as soon as the door closed, she kissed me so softly. "Are you still coming tonight?"

I couldn't help but smile and nod. "As much as it terrifies me to be face to face with your parents again," I whispered, "I wouldn't miss a moment with you for the world."

Spencer smiled shyly and accepted the kiss I gave her. "Go find your sister and let me know how she's doing."

I left Spencer's condo quickly and set out to find Kyla.

Knowing her, she was probably at the airport debating on whether or not she wanted to fly back alone or stay.

Either way, I'd find her, talk to her and then get back to spending my last night in LA with Spencer.

I needed as much time as I could with her.

I've already wasted five years, there's no way I was going to let that happen again.

--


	30. Placing You Together

**29 - Placing You Together**

**SPENCER**

She looked so far away as we stood on the beach, close together, watching the waves crash up on the shore while the clouds rolled in fast.

"Kyla kissed you?" I asked, finally looking at her, breaking our silence.

Carmen nodded and continued to stare at the dark clouds coming our way. "She did."

"Wow." I blinked and felt the first spits of rain fall down.

"I kissed her back." Carmen finally looked at her, her grey eyes matching the colour of the sky.

I blinked slowly and tucked stray hair behind my ears. She was about to say something when I shook my head. "Carm, you really don't need to explain yourself." I said sincerely. "Ky's a great person."

"Yeah," she sighed and turned back to watching the waves crash up on the shore rougher than before. The wind was starting to pick up and thunder started to roll in the background.

"She just took off?" I asked softly, turning to look at her.

Carmen nodded and wrapped her arms around herself as we stood still, the rain pelting down on us. It was something we used to do; stand or walk in the rain when one of us was down or depressed. It helped wash away all the negative energy and left us feeling relieved and rejuvenated.

"I'm sorry, Carmen." I whispered and she blinked away the cold raindrops that started to fall even harder.

"Want to get out of here?" Carmen smiled and took my hand as we started to walk back to the condo. "So things between you and Ashley are good?" She asked as we finally approached the building.

"Yea," I nodded and let go of her hand, "I mean, as good as they can get."

"I know you're upset about her leaving tomorrow but look at it this way," Carmen leaned against the hallway wall outside the door of our condo, "this time it's not going to be a goodbye kiss replaying in your head. This time you'll be able to go to bed at night knowing that you finally have the one you love."

I swallowed, still feeling somewhat guilty. The woman I caused to hurt, was standing there reassuring _me _that my life and love with Ashley would be better now that things have cleared. Carmen was still following through with her words when she told me all she wanted was for me to be happy. "What are you going to do about Kyla?" I asked softly, inserting the key into the lock and opening the door.

Carmen let out a sad sigh and tugged off her shirt, throwing it towards the small laundry room. "I don't know. I like her, you know?"

"I know." I smiled softly. "You two hit it off instantly."

"She's great and kind, gorgeous and caring," she sat back on the couch and fixed her bikini straps, "she can really make me smile."

I nodded and grabbed an apple out of the fridge, tossing one at her and then took my seat beside her. "For what it's worth," I offered gently, her grey eyes looking at me with such sadness in them, "I really think she cares for you too. I mean, I really think that whatever happened between you two last night was real."

"God she's married." Carmen laughed a little and looked up towards the ceiling. "It's already bad enough that I lost you to your high school sweetheart, I feel like I'm losing Kyla to a guy who doesn't really even know I exist. And the worst part?" She blinks and bites her lip, "I don't even have her to begin with so how can it feel like I've lost her?"

I grabbed her hand and held it tightly against my chest. It was my turn to comfort her in ways that I knew how. "Carm," I whispered, "you are an amazing and beautiful woman. Kyla sees that and so much more. Yes, she's married but-"

"No buts," she pushed away slightly and looked at me, "I don't want my hopes up any higher than they are, okay? When Kyla kissed me last night, it was the most intense feeling in the world. You know why?" When I shook my head no, she continued, "because I could feel just how much she wanted me. Me, Spencer. She wanted me to hold her, love her, be with her and comfort her the way I have done for you for the past four years. I believed her when she told me she was in love with me and no one," she let out a guilty laugh, "no one has ever made me believe in love as much as she had."

You would think that by telling me this, I'd be feeling a little jealous but it actually made my heart hurt more, for her. "Maybe she's the one?" I smiled a little and Carmen stared at me before lowering her eyes to the ground and back up again.

"I need to breathe for a bit." Carmen stood up and grabbed a fresh tank top from the laundry basket. "I'll be back around dinner."

"Oh," I stood up and cleared my throat, "um, actually it's Glen's birthday dinner tonight and-"

"Oh shit," Carmen frowned and ran a hand through her hair, "I totally forgot about that."

"Yea well they never did tell us a time and it's tonight." I bit my lip and Carmen shrugged slightly.

"You know I love your family, Spence," she sighed, "but I think if Kyla is still in town, I'm going to try and talk things over with her and if she isn't then I'm just going to come home and relax."

I nodded. "I understand."

"But hey, take Ashley with you, wouldn't that shock the hell out of your parents." Carmen let out a small laugh and hugged me. "I'll see you when you get home."

"Hey Carmen," I grabbed her arm and tugged her back to me, kissing her on the cheek, "you know I'm always here for you."

"I know babe," she smiled and squeezed my hand before taking off into the rain.

I considered myself extremely lucky to have both Ashley and Carmen in my life at the same time.

If Carmen could just find happiness with someone, hopefully Kyla, then our world could be perfect.

--

**ASHLEY**

"Hold it!" I finally found her sitting at gate F5 and shook my head. "Where the hell do you think you're going?"

"Fuck," Kyla cursed and wiped her wet eyes, "where the hell did you come from?"

"My mom but that's not the question I asked you," I sighed and sat down next to her, "what's wrong?"

"I told you what was wrong." Kyla looked at me and shrugged her shoulders. "It's just too much. So fucking intense that I can barely breathe when I'm around her. How the hell do you and Spencer do it?"

"Well if you must know _how_ we do it, that's a little creepy." I laughed as Kyla smacked me and gave me an eye roll with a smile. "It is intense," I continued after a few minutes of trying to collect ourselves, "Spencer makes me feel like I'm literally walking out of this world, therefore making it hard to breathe. But she looks at me, she touches me, she smiles at me and I know I'll be okay. I remember to breathe."

Kyla looked like she was about to cry again. "I don't feel like that with Julian," she sobbed, "I feel so bad but I don't. I figured if I go back to him now, I could just… forget her."

"Maybe you will," I shrugged and faced the massive people trying to get to their gates on time, "but it won't help you forget _her."_

"What do you mean?" She frowned in confusion.

"I mean you may be able to forget Carmen but you'll never be able to forget how she made you feel. Not if it's as intense as you say."

"I'm married." Kyla whispered. "I'm married and I'm cheating on my husband emotionally. I kissed someone else who wasn't him. I'm-"

"-going to figure it all out." I offered and held her hand, pulling her up. "Look, it's your choice. You can get on that plane and go back to your life in New York one day sooner than you planned or you can stay behind and keep Carmen company while Spencer drags me to her parents."

"Oh God, don't leave me alone with her." Panic crossed her features.

"Remember," I whispered, "Carmen's not the type of person to jump into something. I mean, from what Spencer told me, she's pretty amazing that way."

"She is." Kyla sighed and a small smile formed on her lips. "I mean, I could've totally slept with her if she wasn't so damn perfect."

"Come on," I nudged her and grabbed her by the elbow, "I think this trip is teaching us all a lesson, don't take the time we have for granted. If you want to spend time with Carmen, do so. Just take into consideration what she's feeling and that should help ease the 'I want to kiss the fuck out of her' feelings." I smirked and Kyla squealed, slapping a hand over my mouth.

"You ass!" She laughed and grabbed her shoulder bag. "Hey, how did you know where to find me?"

"It's like, a Davies intuition trait or something," I shrugged, "too bad it skipped you."

"Ha." Kyla rolled her eyes and looped her arm through mine. "So, what did you and Spencer do last night?"

My lips turned up into a devious grin. "Wouldn't you like to know."

"I do," she nodded, "as long as it doesn't involve each other."

"We just talked and kissed a little here and there." I shrugged.

"Yea, kinda witnessed that out in the ocean." Kyla smiled softly. "I'm happy for you, Ash. I really am."

Me too.

"Thank you." I blushed. "So, how about we grab some sister brunch?"

­--


	31. You Broke My Heart' Card

**30 - 'You Broke My Heart' Card**

**ASHLEY**

Seven hours. Seven hours have gone by and I have yet to see Spencer. I had spent some time with Kyla, calming her down and then helped her dial the number to Carmen's cell phone. The two had just left to go to dinner to talk things over and Spencer was on her way to pick me up so we could drive an hour out to her parents place.

I met her in the hotel lobby and she stood there with a strapless black dress on, a rose between her fingers. I looked down at what I was wearing, denim jeans and a black tank top. "You look absolutely gorgeous." I whispered and then looked back down at my own clothes again. "I'm so underdressed; I should go back up and change."

"No," Spencer laced her fingers with mine and smiled, "you look perfect." She kissed me softly and handed me the rose.

"Thank you." I blushed a little and she shrugged with a half smirk.

"So are you nervous?"

"Slightly." I frowned and point an accused finger at her. "You totally had your way with me in order to get me to agree to come with you tonight."

Spencer feigned ignorance. "How did I do that?"

"You know how." I laughed and it felt good to lace my fingers with her without her pulling away. "So your family is expecting me, right?"

Silence made me raise my eyebrow. "What?" She looked at me and bit her lip. "Okay okay, no," she sighed, "I didn't tell them you were joining me tonight."

I stopped walking and she turned around, giving me an adorable confused look. "You cannot expect me to go to your parents place when they're not even expecting me!"

"Yea?" Spencer raised an eyebrow. "You know you're just putting on a show to make yourself feel better," she smirked, "you're coming with me."

"No." I crossed my arms over my chest and gave her a pout. "Spence, they're going to flip!"

"Ash, we're adults." Spencer sighed and moved closer to me, wrapped an arm around my waist while guiding me towards her car. "If it sucks, we'll leave."

"It sucks." I deadpanned and she chuckled.

"You were never this stubborn in high school." She laughed and opened the door for me. I just stood there looking at her. "Go on," she pushed, "get in."

"You owe me for this." I hissed playfully as she got in the other side, starting up the vehicle.

"You broke my heart." Spencer shrugged and sped out of the lot while I stared at her dumbfounded.

"Are you going to use that 'I broke your heart' card all the time?" I gasped.

"If I need too." Spencer shrugged and looked at me from the corner of her eye. "Is it working?"

I smiled and bit my lip. "Yeah, it's working."

"Good." Spencer smiled and shifted gear before speeding down the Interstate. "You look really good tonight."

"Not as good as you," I looked at her and smiled, "but thank you."

An hour went by quickly and before I knew it, we were at the Carlin's new residence. Mr. and Mrs. C sold their old house and moved because of Paula's transfer to a different hospital.

"So, I've got a plan," I glanced up at the small white house with a picket fence wrapped around it, "why don't you go in, say hi and then come back?"

"Broken heart…" Spencer sang and cut the engine, taking her hand into my own. "Ash," she whispered, "why are you so nervous? It's not like you're meeting them for the first time or that they don't know I'm gay."

"I know," I whispered and blushed as she tilted her head with a raised eyebrow, "two words for you: broken heart."

"Huh?" She frowned slightly with a bit of an amused look to her, I couldn't help but chuckle.

"I broke your heart. I broke their precious daughter's heart and haven't seen them since. Not exactly the type of music I want to be facing."

"Oh." Spencer sat back in her seat and twisted her lips into a thoughtful pose. "Well when you put it that way, I'd be completely petrified as well."

"Thanks." I rolled my eyes and she just smiled and shrugged.

"Yea, they're going to be shocked when they see you but we're not teenagers anymore Ash. Hell, you're twenty three and already divorced!"

"Funny." I said with a pout and she cupped my face, leaning over the console of her vehicle.

"Just trust me, please?" Four words and I was melting again. Oh and her lips were on mine, caressing gently before she pulled back, a smile gracing her lips. "Man, you're easy."

I mock-gasped and she quirked another grin. I just quirked one back and shrugged, "so I've been told."

"Jerk!" Spencer laughed and playfully shoved me away. "Okay, we really need to get in there because they'll see my vehicle parked out here and wonder why I'm not inside yet."

I groaned again and Spencer just shook her head.

I allowed her to drag me out of my seat from the passenger's side and towards the door. I stopped quickly and tugged her towards the rose bushes, pushing her up against the white wall.

"Ashley, what are yo-" Spencer started to speak and I kissed her. I sucked on her bottom lip briefly before pressing her harder into the wall, my hands in her hair, parting our lips to taste _all_ of her. She moaned quietly and as soon as I felt her fingers grab my shoulders and push me away slightly, I pulled back and we both took in deep breaths. "What was that for?" She asked, her skin flushed, her lips perfectly swollen.

"I wanted to feel your lips one more time before your mom throws daggers at me and leaves me for dead." I said quite seriously and Spencer just laughed.

I mean, she really just… laughed.

"It's not funny, Spence!" I pouted.

"Yea, it kind of is." She tugged on the collar of my shirt, her lips were resting against my ear, "if you behave we can have some fun later…" she whispered in a low voice. I closed my eyes tightly and nodded, _finally_ letting her drag me to the door without a fight. She pressed the doorbell and gave me a soft smile.

"No one's home, we should go before you break the doorbell." I tried to get away again and froze as the door opened.

"Spencer!" Paula's voice shrilled through the air and she gave Spencer a hug before noticing me, well, my back. I spun around to face the street, not mentally prepared to face her again. Damn fucking hair pulling future mother-in-law! "Carmen?" I felt her move behind me.

"Turn around." Spencer hissed and I threw her a worried glance, shaking my head no.

"Is Carmen alright? Are you not feeling well, sweetie?" Paula grabbed my shoulders and spun me around. I flinched. She literally stepped back and frowned, clearly confused. "What?" She looked at Spencer.

"Oh, hey Mrs. C." I whispered shyly. "Lovely evening, isn't it?"

--


	32. Spashley Brownies

**31 - Spashley Brownies**

**SPENCER**

I almost had to push Ashley in the doorway once my mother moved out of our way. "Wow mom, you look surprised." I teased as she had yet to take her eyes off my ex now current again girlfriend.

I mean, I'd like to think we were… something… other than make-out buddies.

Right? I mean, we're adults now. It's time to face 'what is'.

"Mom!" I snapped my fingers in her face and she shook her head, a small smile plastering her face. "Welcome back to earth, did you enjoy oogling planet Ashley?"

"Spence!" Ashley's eyes widened and my mom quickly looked at me.

"How?" My mom blinked a few times and then she glanced back at Ashley.

"Is Spencer here?" My dad came in and stopped, his eyes were also on the brunette. "Ashley Davies," he let out a slow grin and moved quickly to embrace her into a hug, "how's my favourite heart breaker?"

Ashley's gaze found mine and she laughed a little, accepting his hug. "Hey Mr. C."

My dad kept his arm wrapped around Ashley's shoulder. "You wouldn't believe it but we've missed you."

"Me too." Ashley whispered softly and licked her lips. "It smells great, what is the awesome chef cooking this time?" She glanced up at the older man and gave him a heart melting smile.

"Lasagna," he grinned, "from scratch."

I noticed my mom's face expressed so many emotions, clearly not sure what she should be feeling.

"I'm stealing Ashley away to help me with the sauce," my dad winked at me, knowing that an uncomfortable evening would only spell disaster.

I nodded and grabbed Ashley's hand, squeezing it before she disappeared around the corner, leaving me with my mom. I inhaled sharply and clasped my hands together, giving her a small smile. "It really is a great evening, isn't it?"

"Sure." She mumbled and leaned against the door, repeatedly opening her mouth before closing it again. "Spencer…"

"She flew in from New York last week for my book signing," I thought it'd be best if I just get to the point, "her and Kyla are leaving tomorrow."

My mom shook her head and pushed herself off the wall, pacing slightly. I could see her brain trying to grasp exactly _how _Ashley managed to squeeze her way back into my life. "Ashley? Honey, she hurt you so bad. After she married that _boy_ you were so…"

"Hurt." I nodded. "I know but she's changed. I mean, her and that _boy _are divorced now and-"

"-that makes everything okay?" She frowned. "What about Carmen? Where is she?"

"At home I think." I bit my lip and sat down on the small desk by the coat hangers. "Carmen was the one that invited Ashley to come here. I mean, I thought it was goodbye a few months ago when we were in New York for Kyla's wedding. I saw Ashley then for the first time since the day she broke up with me. It was hard, mom, I won't lie. But…" I frowned, not sure how to word it to make her understand. I didn't even understand how it all happened. I just knew it felt right. "God I missed her and I didn't realize how much I missed her until I saw her again."

My mom stared at me for a few minutes, not really knowing what to say. Her jaw squared before she blew some hair out of her eyes. "Where does this leave you with Carmen?" She asked in a small voice. I think she knew the answer.

"Mom," I grabbed her hand and pulled her to sit with me, "Carmen and I broke up last week."

"What?" She gasped. "But she was so sweet and funny and pretty!"

"She was perfect." I agreed and squeezed her hand. "I know what she was and I knew who she was," I chewed on my lower lip, "I also know she deserves so much better."

"Spence," she breathed and hung her head before looking at me.

"If it helps, we're still friends. We hung out yesterday for a bit and she sends her love. I'm sure she'll be around to visit soon. You're her family too, and this doesn't change that."

"It just feels like I'm losing another daughter." My mom whispered.

"No," I smiled softly, "but you have to accept the fact that Ashley's back in my life."

"Spence?" Ashley peeked around the corner almost shyly and then slowly walked towards us. "Mr. C wants to know if you could run in the basement and grab the good dishware."

I stood up and nodded. My mom spun me around and hugged me. "Are you happy?" She whispered in my ear.

I pulled back and smiled at Ashley before looking back at my mother. "Very." I breathed.

"So Ashley," she immediately turned to the brunette and grabbed her in a hug, "welcome back."

I smiled at Ashley's shocked face before she hesitantly wrapped her arms around my mother's form.

Tonight might not be so bad after all.

--

**ASHLEY**

"Are they here yet?" Mr. C asked us three women that were sitting at the dining table, talking.

"No Art, they are not here yet." Paula smiled and rolled her eyes. "Men are either impatient or have the worst timing ever."

"I so agree." Spencer grinned and played with the handle of her coffee mug. "Don't you, Ash?" She quirked an eyebrow at me and I just smirked.

"They are overrated and whoever marries one has to be on drugs." I looked at Paula, "except for you because Mr. C is like, one of a kind."

"What kind of drugs were you on?" She asked me with a serious face. My eyes widened and she laughed a little. "Relax, I'm just kidding."

Spencer smiled a bit and I felt calmer once her hand found my thigh, rubbing gently. "It's Glen's own birthday dinner, why isn't he and his wife here?"

"Wow, Glen's married?" I would've snorted if Paula never shot me a semi-dirty look. "I mean, that's cool."

"I know, I couldn't believe it either." Spencer laughed and ignored her mother's glare. "But they seem happy and are expecting their first child around Christmas."

"Aww." I grinned and when we heard the door open, Spencer and Paula got out of their chairs in a hurry. I followed, of course.

"Mom! Spencer!" I heard Glen's voice and realized I missed the sound of it as well. I really did miss the Carlins. I rounded the corner and his eyes met mine. "Wow, you're definitely not Carmen."

Spencer chuckled and I blushed.

"Hotter, in my opinion." Glen shrugged with a sheepish grin and made a beeline towards me. "It's really nice to see you again, Ashley."

"You too." I smiled and pulled back from the hug. That's when I noticed the woman standing in the doorway, embracing Spencer in a light hug. I think I looked shocked at the woman in front of me but she just laughed and pulled me into a hug as well.

"Girl, you are looking good!" Chelsea smiled at me when she pulled back. I glanced down at the small bump in her belly and back at Glen. "Did I lose her somewhere?" I heard her ask Spencer before I snapped out of it.

"Chelsea Lewis…"

"Chelsea Carlin." She corrected with a soft smile while showing me her wedding ring. "And are you Ashley Davies or Denni-"

"Davies." Spencer smiled and laced our fingers together.

"Well," Glen laughed as he wrapped an arm around Chelsea's waist, kissing her cheek, "this has got to be the best birthday gift ever. All five of my favourite girls in the same room…"

"Glen," Spencer laughed, "there are only four of us."

"No," Chelsea smiled and rubbed her hand over her stomach, "we're having a girl."

Paula jumped up and down and gave them a hug and Spencer was congratulating them. Arthur even hugged the happy couple.

I smiled and stood there until I felt a warm hand around my neck and soft lips against my own briefly.

Spencer was kissing me in front of her family.

That was definitely a first.

I blushed but she just smirked and shook her head, cupping my cheek before her lips were on mine again.

"Aww and Spashley prevails." I heard Glen say before the shuffling of feet were no longer heard and Spencer pulled away.

"Welcome back." Spencer smiled and laced her fingers with mine. "Come, let's go have dinner with the family."

Family.

I cupped her cheek that time and took her lips in a slow kiss. It had to be a short kiss because she was intoxicating and I knew any more feelings of her lips on mine, I'd lose any self control.

"Family, I love the sounds of that." I whispered against her lips, her blue eyes blinking slowly as a lazy smile curled up on her lips, "I really do make you happy, don't I?"

Spencer blushed and ducked her head down. "You always have."

"Spencer, I love-"

"Brownies?! Dad, you made me a brownie cake?" Glen's voice sounded like an excited five year old, not the voice of a guy turning twenty-five.

Spencer and I erupted into a fit of giggles before she kissed me one last time. She turned around and gave me the cutest look, "I love brownies too Ashley."

God, I was so in love with that woman.

--


	33. Knowing Okay Was Enough

**32 - Knowing Okay Was Enough**

**CARMEN**

Kyla had her legs spread out on the floor with her back against the couch, flipping through one of Spencer's magazines that was on the coffee table. "Now that is a pretty dress," she pointed to a black strapless one that hung off of Angelina Jolie's body.

"Pretty woman too." I smiled and slid down next to her, handing her a beer. I was relieved to find out she drank beer instead of coolers. I didn't have anything other than cold beer and the night was hot.

"Meh," Kyla shrugged, "I think she's a little overrated now," she tapped her finger over a picture of Keira Knightly, "her I can definitely do."

"Me too." I chuckled and she laughed with me before closing the magazine and shifting to look at me.

"About last night," she sighed and licked her lips, "I shouldn't have kissed you."

"I'm glad you did." I whispered and shrugged a little. "I just wish it were a different situation."

"Me too." Kyla blew some hair out of her eyes. "I was going to fly back to New York but I couldn't. I guess the thought of leaving things unresolved hurt more than what I did to Julian."

"You don't have to explain," I said softly, grabbing her hand in my own.

"I do Carm," she looked at me with those brown eyes that melted me, "you've been through so much with Spencer and everything that has happened between you two. I should've just kept my lips to myself. I don't want to hurt you anymore than you already do."

I smiled sincerely and moved my fingers up her arm before they traced her cheek. "You're not hurting me. What hurts is the fact that you're not the only one falling here and there's nothing I can do about it."

Kyla swallowed and blinked. "I… God, ever since I met you before my wedding, I couldn't get you out of my head. I kept wondering if marrying Julian was the right thing but I've been with him for years and he's my best friend and I just felt-"

"-safe?" I quirked a grin and she nodded. "What is it with you Davies women and wanting to feel 'safe'? Take a risk once in a while." I teased while nudging her in the stomach.

"Well you weren't exactly 'free' when we met." Kyla shot back and shrugged, taking a sip of her beer.

"True." I smiled slightly and patted her leg. "So, um, I was thinking of going back to Hawaii for a bit. I haven't been there since my brother passed away in a surfing accident. I'd like to kind of 'visit' him and 'ask' for advice."

"What? When?" Kyla frowned.

"When you go back to New York." I looked up at one of my paintings above the mantel. "I think it'd be best."

And it would be best. For me. For her. We needed to sort whatever was slowly brewing between us, out.

I wanted to be sure of everything before I jump into anything with anyone.

Kyla had been the biggest part of my healing process but there was no more she could do. I was falling in love with her and I knew I needed to find some peace before I took any part in another relationship.

But there she was, in front of me, looking so sad and confused. I knew I probably matched her expressions. I was going to miss her.

She had to decide what she wanted. If she wanted to live and be happy with Julian, that was up to her. I couldn't be near her to interfere with her decisions. As long as Kyla was happy, I was happy. As long as Spencer was happy, I was happy.

I wasn't out to hurt anyone.

"Can I kiss you?" Kyla was all of a sudden close to me once again and I closed my eyes. I was losing the battle within myself. I heard her place the beer bottle next to her on the floor before hands cupped my face.

"Ky," I sighed her name and she pressed her lips against mine.

For a few seconds.

"One more time," she whispered hotly against my lips before I felt her soft lips press against mine more firmly that time. I parted my lips and allowed her to kiss me with as much as passion as she wanted too.

As _we_ needed too.

And it was passionate. Her leg swung around my hips and she was straddling me. I moaned softly at the feel of her perfect soft skin beneath my fingertips as they caressed her lower back. Her tongue licked my bottom lip before I felt it slide deliciously against my own once again.

The whimper I drew from her perfect lips was breathtaking when I nuzzled her neck with kisses. I slowly moved back up to her mouth, wrapping my hands around her back, pulling her closer to me. Kyla's hands went from my hair and to my shoulders, before I felt them go down my chest, to the sides of my breasts and back up. It felt amazing.

She felt amazing.

Despite how heated the longest make-out session of my life was; we never slept together. In fact, after the long make-out session, Kyla suggested that she leave before things got too out of hand.

"Will you come to the airport tomorrow?" She smiled, leaning against the doorframe, her sandals tucked under her arm.

"I'm not going to say goodbye," I said in a serious tone.

"No, I don't want to hear goodbye. I just want to see you again before we leave." Kyla blushed.

I nodded and pressed my forehead against hers. "Kyla, I'll be there. For you, I'll be there."

"We're going to be okay, right?" She asked a bit sadly.

The ball was in her court.

"I just want you happy." And those were the only reassuring words I could give her.

She nodded and slipped out into the hallway. "Night Carmen."

"Night." I smiled and she was gone.

I closed the door and leaned against it. I let out a bigger smile.

Things were going to be okay.

I knew it.

I felt it.

_I_ was going to be okay.

--


	34. And Tonight You Will Be Loved

_**So this rated Hard R or Soft NC-17 for sexual content. It seemed a lot more romantic in my head then it did on "paper", but enjoy!! I don't own SoN**_

**33 - And Tonight You Will Be Loved**

**ASHLEY**

"See, that wasn't so bad was it?" Spencer smiled at me as we got out of the vehicle. We were at the look-out spot where most teenagers used to come and make-out. It was empty though and the clearing was bare. "It's not so bad living with the Brady's."

I smiled, remembering the first time she said that to me. "I'm glad we're here." I whispered and took her hand, pressing her against the hood of the truck, kissing her gently.

Spencer grinned into the kiss and pushed me back a bit. She gave me a quick kiss and grabbed a blanket from the bed of her truck, spreading it out there. "Wanna watch stars?" She asked shyly and beckoned me over with her blue hazy eyes.

I crawled into the back and sighed as she snuggled against me. "Ash?"

"Yeah?"

"No running away this time okay?" She propped herself up on her left hand and peered down at me with a serious face. "I couldn't deal with it."

"Baby," I whispered softly and cupped her face in my hands, running my thumbs smoothly down her cheeks, "I'm not going to run and any running I do will only be towards you."

Spencer smiled widely and moved so that she was hovering above me. "I've missed you." She whispered. "God Ash, I've missed you so fucking much." That time her voice faltered.

I brushed my thumb against her cheek, looking into her eyes, "I've missed you too."

She settled back down beside me and wrapped an arm around my waist, looking up above. "It's peaceful."

"It is." I replied quietly and then I turned to face her, my eyes scanning her beautiful profile. I touched her cheek with my fingers, slowly sliding them down gracefully over her jaw and down her neck. Her blue eyes slipped close and a small sigh escaped her lips. "You really are the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on, Spencer."

Tilting her head slightly, she opened one eye and licked her lips. "Really?"

"Really." I smiled softly and moved to kiss her.

The kiss was perfect. Her mouth was dancing against mine in the slowest of dances. I propped myself above her with my arms, getting lost in the kiss. I sighed against her lips when fingers started to trail up my back, underneath my tank top. I shifted and moved my right hand to graze the side of her face while kissing her, down her neck and brushing very light over her dress covered breast.

"Ash." She sighed heavily and arched her back, draping her arms around my neck, pulling me tighter against her.

We stayed like that for what seemed like hours. Kissing, light touches, loving whispers and soft sighs. I could feel it all come back to me full force. The exact feelings I had felt for her when we were together over 5 years ago. It was intense but this time, I wasn't going to allow her love push me away. I was going to hold on to every ounce of Spencer she had to offer and give it back ten-fold.

"Show me." Spencer's words were whispered against my cheek as I nuzzled her neck but it felt like they were ringing loudly in my ears.

I pulled back and watched as she cupped my face. "What?" I whispered breathlessly.

"Show me what you're feeling," her hand slid down from my face and right to my chest, where my heart pounded hard against it, "all of it."

God her eyes were such a beautiful blue and I blinked lazily, moving downwards again to capture her lips in another slow kiss. But that time I never held back.

I wanted to give her everything she wanted.

Needed.

No words were said beyond that moment. We didn't need them.

Her lips were like silk, gliding against my own. I held her hip gently, putting minimal pressure into her body. I wanted to ask her if she was okay, if what I was doing was okay, but I knew it was. I could tell by the way she sighed and breathed heavily against my ear when I placed kisses along her neck that everything was okay.

Spencer sat up briefly and lifted her arms up over her head, signaling for me to take her dress off. I did. My fingertips dragged across her arms, causing more goosebumps to rise beneath my touch. I tossed the dress gently aside and pulled back enough to take a moment and gaze over her beautiful body. The string bikini did nothing to hide what was beneath it. My eyes mirrored her own: love and lust.

Spencer threaded her fingers through my hair and melded her lips to mine again. I moaned and pushed her back down on her back, gently grasping at her bikini top string, pulling the tie out slowly. God, I was going so agonizingly slow that I was even frustrating myself.

But I couldn't rush it.

This moment was real. It wasn't a dream that I had been having for the past five years.

I wanted to show her everything, _everything_ I was feeling.

Finally, with the bikini top joining her dress, I cupped her left breast while kissing her with such ease. Her nipple tickled the palm of my hand as I squeezed gently, never leaving her lips.

Spencer shivered and moaned, arching herself slightly into me, which in turn caused me to moan right back.

I raised my hand a bit higher on her chest, palming the area where her heart lied beneath. Pulling away from her lips with much protest, I looked at her through hazy eyes. "I love you." I whispered with every word dripping with dedication and honesty.

Spencer's eyes held mine for a few seconds before I felt her hand cup the back of my neck, pulling me back into another heated, slow kiss. I felt her hands tug on my top and I moved quickly to help rid myself of it.

It didn't take long before we were both completely naked, lying in the back of her truck. The kisses were so intense, it felt as if I hadn't kissed her in a lifetime. I trickled my fingers down her stomach, causing her to suck in a deep breath. I loved feeling her fall apart beneath my touch.

Her hands grasped my back, rolling her hips towards mine, trying to relieve her aching need. I brushed my lips over her face with soft kisses, my fingertips teasing the inside of her thigh.

"Oh Ashley," she breathed heavily, her head tossed back a bit. I finally cupped her heated center, pressing my hand into her firmly.

"God Spencer," I let out my own heavy breath against her parted lips, "I've missed this feeling," I could barely control the quiver in my voice, "feeling you." She was wet and so soft.

Spencer responded with a soft sigh and then her eyes flew open when I finally entered her with two fingers. I groaned quietly as my head fell between her neck and shoulder. She was pulsing hard against me and it felt so _good_.

We moved slowly together, her hips danced gracefully against my hand. She wanted me to show were what I was feeling.

I was feeling her.

Love.

Tenderness.

I never made it about the 'sex'. Though it felt good to be 'connected' with Spencer again, I wanted her to know and feel everything I had to offer.

I pressed my forehead against hers, eyes transfixed on each others. She was getting tighter and her moans were more consistent. Her nails dug softly into my back, deep enough to leave impressions but not deep enough to scar.

I paced myself inside her a little faster, curling my fingers deep inside with each passing stroke. "Ash- oh God baby- I…" filtered from her lips as she started reeling higher and higher.

I moved against her with at the same pace my fingers made. We kissed slow and deep, stealing air from each others lungs. Her body was sliding deliciously against mine, a fine sheen of sweat forming. "I love you, Spencer." I whispered one last time before I felt her fall.

Fall down that endless waterfall she loved so much.

Fall down with panted breaths and soft sighs and moans escaping her lips.

She anchored herself against me, tossing her body up and trusting me enough to finally catch her when she landed.

I slid out of her easily and planted a few more kisses around her flushed face. She chuckled throatily and sleepily, hugging my more than excited body against her own.

"I love you too, Ashley." She whispered a few minutes later and opened her glossy eyes.

I nuzzled her nose and squeezed her hip, stealing another soft kiss.

That kiss became another, then another and soon I found myself underneath her cooling body.

Needless to say she took me on the trip down her waterfall.

_And it was beautiful._

--

The sun was finally rising above the city's horizon. Spencer was tucked neatly against my body, both of us dressed finally. We were thankful that no one came up on the cliff that whole time.

"When is your flight?" Spencer finally asked and I kissed the top of her head.

"Eleven thirty." I whispered and placed another kiss on her shoulder.

Spencer groaned and pouted, looking at me. "Do you have to leave?"

I smiled and cupped her face, pulling her to straddle me. It was sexy watching her hike up her dress so she could. "I can stay if you want me too."

"I do," she whispered and sighed heavily, "but you've got so much going for you in New York now."

"But you're more important." I insisted seriously and she blinked, licking her lips. "God Spence, if you asked me right now to stay with you, you know I would."

"I-" Spencer opened her mouth and closed it again. "I don't want you to go."

I sighed and rubbed a thumb delicately over her collarbone, "but you don't want me to stay."

"I do," she confessed and frowned, "don't think that. I just think maybe you should go and tie up any loose ends in the city," she paused and smiled, "then come home to me."

I raised my eyebrows with a wide grin. "Really?"

"Really." Spencer whispered and nodded. "Please?"

"Done." I crinkled my nose in a smile and she grinned, squealing while she kissed me.

We sat in the back of her truck until the sun started to beat heavily down on us. Spencer threw me the keys and allowed me to drive her truck. She said it was easier to haul her and Carmen's surfboards to the other sides of the beach when they went to competitions.

Finally reaching her condo, she leaned against the door, picking at her nail with her key. "Are you sure you don't want to come in for a coffee?"

I smiled and kissed her lips softly. "I would love to but I need to shower and pack."

Spencer frowned and sighed.

"Why don't you come with me?" I asked.

A grin spread across her face. "Just let me grab an extra pair of clothes," she pushed the door open to find the place empty.

She gathered her clothes up quickly and grabbed my hand, shutting the door behind her quietly.

It felt so good.

I was going to miss her but I knew that tying up any loose ends in New York wouldn't take very long.

I'd find myself back in her arms before we both knew it.

--


	35. Perfect Fit

**34 - Perfect Fit**

**CARMEN**

I knocked on the hotel room door and fidgeted with my belt. It was early.

Five-thirty in the morning, early.

And I was knocking on Kyla's hotel room door. I hoped that Ashley wasn't in there with Spencer cause that would've been weird. Seeing as Spencer never did come home the night before.

The door opened and there stood Kyla with a coffee cup in her hand, blinking sleepily. "Carmen, hey." She whispered and opened the door to allow me in. I noticed Ashley's bed was still made so she wasn't there either. "I'm usually up at this point but you know," she blushed and averted her eyes.

I nodded and smiled softly. "I thought you'd be sleeping."

"God no," she laughed through a yawn, "how a girl can sleep after a make-out session like that last night?"

It was my turn to blush and sat down on the edge of Ashley's neatly made bed. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "If I in any way made you feel uncomfortable-"

"Hey," she jumped on the bed, knocking me backwards, "it was me who kissed you," she smiled, her fingers tracing my face again. "God I could do it again."

And she did.

For a while.

Much like the night before.

I was the one that pulled back and slipped my body from beneath hers, standing up to straighten out my clothes. Kyla swallowed and I kissed her again, letting her know I wasn't upset.

I couldn't let things get too far.

They were already getting out of control.

She was married!

"I just need to stop," I whispered, "not because I want too, but because I need too."

Kyla glanced up at me and nodded, understanding. She paced the room and before stopping dead in front of me. "I'm going to tell him everything," she whispered, "Julian's going to know about this and then," she grabbed my hand, "then I'm coming back to you."

I think my heart did a jump for joy dance but my mind was reeling. I couldn't be the cause of a divorce.

"Ky…"

"No." Kyla frowned, "I know you, you're going to think I'm doing this for you but I'm not. I'm doing this for me. And it's not fair to him." She pushed me back on the bed and sat beside me. "Besides, wasn't it you who told me to take risks? As much as he makes me feel safe," she whispered, "you make me feel safer because I know I'm in love with you."

I closed my eyes and fell backwards on the bed. "I came here to ask you to grab a cup of coffee with me," I whispered, "instead you gave me the best thing I could ever ask for."

Kyla moved to press her body against my side. "What's that?"

"You."

--

**SPENCER**

The ride to the airport wasn't all that silent. I drove with Ashley while Carmen drove the truck with Kyla joining her.

"So, what do you think about those two?" I asked Ashley.

"I think after finding them curled up in Kyla's hotel bed together pretty much says it all." Ashley smiled and squeezed my hand. "I didn't think my little sister had it in her."

"Ash, she didn't sleep with Carmen. They met up early for coffee and went back to talk, falling asleep instead." I said in an amused voice.

"Whatever, the point is they wanted to sleep together," she smirked and glanced at me briefly, "she really is perfect you know. I wouldn't have been surprised if she stole your heart from my grasp and you two were hitched at the moment."

"She is perfect," I nodded, "but something tells me that after hanging out with Kyla any longer than she did, she'd realize that I just wasn't the _one_."

"Am I your one?" Ashley asked, her voice faltering a bit.

"More than ever." I promised and leaned over the console of her rented Porsche to kiss her cheek.

LAX was the next left and I pouted. I didn't want to see her off but knew she should just let go of all New York before coming back to me. I was just worried about her music career but she convinced me that she could easily start playing at clubs in the city and if it was meant to be, it was meant to be.

She wouldn't risk losing me again.

Not over another person or music.

After Ashley returned the rented vehicle and paid her fees, she held my hand as we followed Carmen and Kyla into the huge building.

Their flight wasn't delayed as I was hoping.

No, it was right on time.

I watched as Carmen leaned into the other brunette, her lips close to Kyla's ear. A smile erupted from her lips as they shared a chaste kiss.

"God I hope they work out." I whispered and Ashley nodded, holding her arms around my waist from behind.

"I knew Kyla would make a good lesbian," she whispered and I laughed a little. "I'm going to miss you."

"I'm going to miss you too." I turned around in her arms and kissed her.

We kissed.

And kissed.

Until Kyla and Carmen cleared their throats. "Ash, we're boarding."

Ashley groaned and placed her forehead against mine. "I'll call as soon as I land."

"Promise?"

"Promise." She nuzzled my nose with hers before kissing me one more time. "I love you baby."

"I love you," I squeezed her hand, trying not to cry. "Be safe kay?"

Carmen and Ashley hugged while I hugged Kyla.

"You'll do the right thing." I whispered in her ear.

Kyla glanced at Carmen with a loving look and smiled. "I know I will." She hugged me again. "Thank you, Spence."

The goodbyes were out of the way and I felt Carmen's hand slip through mine as we watched the sisters disappear down the terminal.

We stayed like that until the plane took off and made our way back to our truck.

"So this is what it feels like?" Carmen finally whispered as she turned the vehicle on.

"What?" I glanced at her.

"Having love returned," she smiled and patted my hand, "it's beautiful."

"It is, isn't it?" I smiled and she nodded, pulling out of the busy lot. "Wanna go surfing?"

Carmen nodded.

It helped us both to release emotions.

It helped a lot.

But what helped more is that we were still Carmen and Spencer.

Only the best friend without the benefits.

And it made us a perfect fit.

--

_Three more chapters to go and this Spashley love story will be wrapped up. Hope you're enjoying so far!!_


	36. His Name's Kiko

**35.1 – His Name's Kiko**

**CARMEN**

It had been a month and I was finding life in Hawaii more endearing than I would've imagined. I placed a few more flowers over my brother's grave and smiled a little, knowing just how bad he'd scold me right now for falling in love with a married woman.

Spencer had came to visit me for a week before flying out to New York to help Ashley with the move. I was happy to see those two make it work.

I made my way back to the small house I had been staying at and threw my keys on the small desk right by my door.

"Hey Kiko," I smiled as my new brown lab puppy hopped up on my computer desk chair, "was you a good boy?"

He barked and wagged his tail. I kissed the top of his head and grabbed a bottled water. He followed me, panting and smiling.

"Want to go for a walk?" I asked him and his cute brown ears perked up. I took that as a yes. Putting on his leash, I opened my door and Kiko and I made our way down the worn out beach path that was barely used anymore.

The life was good there. I missed it and Craig, the girl who worked for me, took over the Surf Shop for the summer while I stayed on the island. Spencer called me with progress reviews and still helped out when she could.

I hadn't spoken to Kyla in two weeks. She said she had told Julian about me her third night back. He didn't seem to take it well and it hurt me to know that he laid a hand on her. She made me promise not to fly out there and beat the guy's ass because she was going to be staying with Ashley until the divorce was finalized. That and Ashley had kicked the guy's ass twice as hard.

I officially loved Ashley for that – that and also for the fact that she made Spencer the happiest I've ever seen her.

Two weeks ago Kyla dropped the bomb on me that she was going on three months pregnant and had just found out.

She needed time to sort through things.

And so did I.

I unhooked Kiko's leash and allowed him to run around the abandoned beach. I listened to the waves crash against the shore. It was different here than in LA. Like the ocean talked to me here. They told me life was worth living and every ounce of pain we go through, was there to make us stronger.

Actually, those were words from Spencer's new book she's working on. But the ocean spoke them to her so I can hear them telling me the same thing.

"Kiko, are you hungry?" He ran up to me and pounced, kicking sand my way. I laughed and fell backwards, scratching behind his ears. "I'll take that as a yes."

I got up from the sand and wiped myself off. Just as I was about hook Kiko back up on his leash, he took off towards the rough path. Before I could say his name, breath caught in my throat as I found the most beautiful woman standing there, with a flower tucked neatly behind her ear, kneeling down to pet my puppy.

"Should I be worried that this little guy's a heart stealer?" She asked, rising to her feet slowly. Her loose ankle skirt blew freely in the light breeze, wrapping against her very well shaped legs.

"Kyla…" I breathed and she just smiled, making her way towards me.

"I hope this isn't a disappointment," she blushed somewhat, "me just dropping by the island because I was in the neighborhood."

I smirked at her smartass comment long enough to compose myself. Then there she was, hugging me, her face pressed into the crook of my neck.

"His name's Kiko," I whispered and she pulled back, looking confused. "My dog, his name is Kiko."

"Oh," she smiled and held her arms stilled wrapped around my neck loosely, "well he hasn't occupied all of this, has he?" She held her palm over my heart.

"No," I swallowed, "that's reserved for you."

Kyla grinned and pulled me back into the warmest hug ever. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you," I replied, kissing her bare shoulder and pressed my hand against her stomach, "how are you?"

She pulled back again and looked down at the sand between our feet. "I'm okay," she said quietly, "I lost the baby last week."

"Oh Ky," I breathed and she shook her head.

"I didn't tell you then because I wanted to surprise you and I didn't want anything to taint that," she looked out towards the shore, where Kiko ran back and forth, playing tag with the waves, "but I'm okay."

She could cry on my shoulder if she needed too. I would be her everything and anything.

"Well," I cleared my throat and grabbed her hand, "Kiko and I were about to head home for dinner, join us?"

"I'm starving!" Kyla laughed and cupped my face.

She was about to kiss me.

"No," I whispered and she looked hurt. "You've kissed me every single time," I brushed my thumbs over her lips, "it's my turn." I husked before parting my lips slightly and kissing her.

And boy, did I ever kiss her.

--


	37. Good Move & Good News

**35.2 - Good Move & Good News**

**ASHLEY**

"God," I collapsed on the newly bought love seat and panted as Spencer's body slithered up and captured my lips in the deepest kiss ever.

"What's wrong," she whispered huskily against my lips, her fingers teasing my naked sides, "little Ashley tired already?"

"Already?" I murmured. "We've tested out every piece of furniture we bought, not including the bed."

"Ah," she giggled and nuzzled my neck, settling her body on top of mine comfortably, "well the bed is for tonight."

"If I can move," I whined, "you broke my body."

"Whatever," she scoffed playfully, "you're just losing the famous Davies sex-drive."

She did not just say that.

"I am not!" I squealed and smacked her ass slightly, she giggled even more. "It's your freakin' famous Carlin tongue that's too blame. Damn woman, that thing's lethal."

Spencer wiggled her eyebrows up and down before standing up. "I'm hungry."

"Haven't you ate enough?" I smirked and blushed.

"I mean it Ash," she pouted, "I need substance. I need fuel power, I need-"

"-to come back here and kiss me," I whispered huskily and pulled her squealing body back down on top of mine.

I loved moving.

--

Finally after hours of playtime, Spencer and I started to unpack boxes in our new three bedroom house that was just five minutes away from her old condo. She promised Carmen she'd take care of the shop while she was away and I didn't want to move too far away from the beach.

I've been spoiled and living in New York has deprived me of that fact.

It wasn't hard tying up all loose ends. The record label that was interested in me, dumped me like a hot potato because I informed them I was moving back to LA. I wasn't obligated to stay, I didn't sign any contract. If I had to start small here, I would. The smallest club and work my way up.

I just wanted to be able to be with Spencer every day.

She offered to move to New York but I was quick to say no. LA had more to offer the both of us – together.

"I still can't believe you never had a coffee maker." Spencer muses and placed the newly bought one I had gotten for her, on the counter.

"We lived a block away from Starbucks," I shrugged, "I couldn't make good shit like that."

"Well so do we," she snickered, "but you're going to make me coffee during the late nights I'm up working on my book."

Three bedroom house. Our bedroom – my music studio – Spencer's office.

"Ou," I stepped behind her and grabbed her hips, nipping at her neck, "I can't wait to see you in your newly made office, behind your desk with those glasses on…"

"Ash," she chuckled and batted me away, "I so lied about your sex-drive deteriorating, you're insatiable."

"Meh, you're hot." I shrugged and went back to unpacking boxes. "But I bet you're glad we bought that nice sturdy desk," I whispered.

"So not much has changed since high school," Spencer shook her head with a laugh, "you're still the same Ashley Davies – hormonal teenage boy at your service."

"That's right," I nodded, "at _your_ service. Your mom would be so proud. Sex is good for the complexion, at least she can say I'm good for something."

"Baby," she sighed and rubbed her forehead, "she's coming around."

Paula Carlin may 'tolerate' me, but she by no means 'accepts' me just yet. Well, she likes me as a person but she doesn't think that Spencer and I should be together quite yet.

Deal with that, _mother._

"I could care less really, Spence." I smiled softly and grabbed her hands, spinning her around in a circle. "Are you happy?"

"I think I've reached my happiest point." Spencer grinned as we continued dancing around the unpacked living room with no music to guide us.

--

**SPENCER**

"_So we're going to be back on tomorrow afternoon's flight. Can you and Ash pick us up?"_ Kyla's voice sounded giddy over the phone.

I twirled my hair between my fingers and grinned. They were so in love. "I'm sure we can take time out of our busy schedules to pick your asses up."

Kyla sighed happily. _"God Spence, how could you not want to be here right now?"_

I glanced towards the kitchen where Ashley stood over the stove in her cute apron, cooking us dinner. "Well reason number one is that she's standing in the kitchen and reason number two, Carmen wouldn't be with you if I was there right now."

"_True."_ Her voice was light hearted. _"You never told me how good in bed she is!"_

I nearly spit the water out of my mouth when she said that. Ashley glanced back at me with a raised eyebrow and whispered if I was okay. I nodded and wiped my mouth, blushing a little. "Um, it never came up?"

Kyla giggled, _"well thank you Spence."_

"For?" I smiled with a frown.

"_Writing your book,"_ she whispered a little, _"without it, I wouldn't be with Carmen and-"_

"Just be happy Ky," I cut her off softly, "you both deserve to be happy."

"_Thanks,"_ she sheepishly said, _"well I got to go… Carmen's taking me out for dinner and then we're taking Kiko for a late night walk on the beach."_

"Have fun and send her our love," I smiled and Kyla said she would. I hung up the phone and made my way into the kitchen, wrapping my arms around Ashley's lithe hips. "Carm and Ky are coming back tomorrow, we're going to get them from the airport."

"Yea?" Ashley spun around in my arms and kissed the tip of my nose. "Think they'd want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?"

I smiled widely and nodded. "That'd be awesome."

"Good," Ashley smiled nervously and played with my fingers. She looked down shyly and bit her lip a little, "because I was hoping we could tell them the good news."

"Good news?" I softly laughed and glanced at her with confusion. I watched as she wiped her hands nervously on her jeans after taking off her apron. "Ashley?"

"Give me a second," she whispered and ran to the bedroom, leaving me standing in the kitchen completely alone and confused. Ashley came back and stopped abruptly, blowing long strands of hair out of her eyes. Slowly she stepped closer to me and then right before she approached me she-

Oh God.

Ashley was down on one knee.

"Spencer, will you make me the happiest ever and marry me?" Ashley whispered, her hand clutching my left one.

I stared at her. I mean, I really just stared because I was in total shock.

I wasn't expecting that.

"Spence, baby…" she was standing up and her hands were cupping my face.

"Yes." I breathed. "Yes, yes, yes."

"Yes?" She looked at me with her brown eyes full of love.

"Yes." I repeated and she scooped me up in the biggest hug ever. The ring slipped perfectly on my ring finger and I stared at the very detailed diamond. "It's beautiful, Ash."

"Like you," she murmured and kissed my lips softly, her fingers threading through my hair. "See? Good news to share tomorrow."

Good news?

It was the best news ever.

Just wait until I tell Ashley I want us to have babies.

I smirked to myself.

We'll leave that one out for a little while longer.

I just wanted to enjoy being with the woman of my dreams.

Forever.

--

_And one more chapter to go! Thank you for reading and reviewing!_


	38. Devoted & Take A Bow

_So this is it, the final chapter to Wish You Were. I never intended for the chapters to be long so I apologize if you all found them to be so short! I've had a really amazing time writing this. I've had a blast at turning Carmen haters into likers (not a word, I know) and it was nice to set Spashley back up again. You made it all worth while in writing these fics, so thank you for being patient with me and reviewing/reading. I owe you! _

_I don't own South of Nowhere. **Side note: **I doubt there will be a sequel to this, so I deeply apologize - but you never know with me. Thank you again!!_

**36 - Devoted & Take A Bow**

**SPENCER**

I looked around at the streams of lights that were set up around the large white canopy on the beach front. Everyone was dressed their best, some dancing, some bouncing from table to table socializing and others just being there.

I glanced to my left and blushed when Ashley blew me kiss. She looked so good in her beige strapless dress. So good.

Edible even.

"Speech!" I heard someone yell from the back of the tent.

"Speech!"

"Speech!"

The word was being chanted and soon echoed through the whole area. I glanced at Carmen and she smirked, shrugging.

I guess the spotlight was back on me.

I stood up and tapped a spoon against my wine glass, clearing my throat. I straightened the tie that was wrapped loosely around my neck and made sure my pants and blazer weren't wrinkled.

"Love," I began in the microphone, my eyes automatically falling onto the one person that held my heart with her since the moment we met, "love is not just a feeling. It's a life you choose to live and you choose to live it with one person. Marriage isn't the only thing that binds us together for a lifetime, it's a word of promises and stolen glances." The crowd awed and I blushed a little. I took a sip of wine and held it up slightly. "I've had the pleasure of experiencing a love like I have but," I laid my hand down on Carmen's shoulder, "I've never seen a love glow and blossom so quickly like Carmen and Kyla's."

Carmen ducked her head a bit and grabbed Kyla's hand, squeezing it as I continued to talk.

"So, here's to two of my best friends in the whole world. Here's to two people who deserve the happiest life, love and marriage has to offer. I love you both."

Ashley stood up and clapped, raising her own glass. "To Mrs. and Mrs. Carmen Moreno!"

Carmen stood up and wrapped me up in a hug. She cried because she was so happy. I cried because I was so happy for her.

"Thank you," she whispered in my ear and I chuckled a little.

"Thank you," I whispered back and kissed her on the cheek. "I still can't believe we're wearing the pants and they get to wear the dresses." I pointed to Ashley and Kyla, who were sharing quiet words as well.

"You won't be complaining later, I promise." Carmen smirked. "Ashley hasn't been able to take her eyes off of you since the ceremony this afternoon."

I blushed.

"Carmen!" My mom came up and hugged the woman for the hundredth time that day. "You and Kyla are so beautiful together." She gushed.

"Thank you Paula," Carmen smiled and grabbed Kyla's hand, "we think so too."

Ashley made her way to me and wrapped an arm around my waist. "Care to dance with me?" She whispered in my ear and I nodded my head, allowing her to drag me to the makeshift dance floor.

The music was soft and flowing through the air like a melody. My baby's first hit single happened to be Kyla and Carmen's choice for their first dance.

"Are you having fun?" She smiled softly and tucked my hair gently behind my ear, allowing the back of her fingers to linger on my cheek gently, staring into my eyes.

"With you, always." I replied and smiled, shivering subtly at the way her body felt pressed close to mine.

"Do you wish our wedding was like this?" Ashley finally whispered and I had to smile, sighing a little.

"Our wedding was perfect." I brushed my lips against hers softly. "You, me, my parents and the newlyweds," I grinned, "it was perfect."

My mom finally came around and accepted Ashley and I as a couple. She was the one that organized the small wedding right where Kyla and Carmen were currently having their reception.

"But we didn't have a party," she said somewhat sadly.

"We did too," I clasped my hands around her neck and rested my forehead against hers, "we flew to Australia and spent three nights locked in a hotel room."

"Spence," she laughed and pressed her hands against my chest. "I'm serious."

"So am I!" I exasperated. "Three whole days in that hotel was just perfect my lovely wife."

"I am so in love with you, Mrs. Davies," she crinkled her nose in a smile and pulled me close for a kiss.

--

**ASHLEY**

I watched as the plane started to descend towards the runway. I hadn't seen Spencer in nearly three weeks and I was going crazy.

My private jet landed successfully and I rushed off the damn thing as fast as I could. I was just starting to tour around internationally but hated the fact that it made me spend lonely nights away from my wife.

"Ashley!" I heard my name be screamed from fans that spotted me when I walked off the plane. I smiled and did a few autographs before hurrying inside.

I had yet to tell anyone my plans for dropping my career. As fun as it was performing on stage and getting things for free – it didn't mean a damn thing if Spencer couldn't be there with me to witness it all.

"Well hey there superstar." I spun around to find Spencer standing at the end of the terminal with a large bouquet of flowers in her hands and a teddy bear sitting on the chair beside her. "Welcome home," she mumbled between the kisses I was showering her with.

"God I missed you baby," I breathed and kissed her again, with more passion.

"Ash," she giggled and pulled away a bit, "we're in public!"

"And?" I looked at her baffled. "We've never had a problem with PDA before."

"But you hate it when your face is on all those tabloids," she looked so adorable.

"No," I mumbled, "I hate it when _your_ face is on the covers of them because you're too hot for the world to see."

"Shut up and kiss me." Spencer growled playfully and I obliged. "How long are you in town for?"

"Hmm," I scratched my forehead and smiled a little, "how about forever?"

"Huh?" Spencer frowned. "Ash…"

"I'm tired of it all." I said honestly. "I've got more than enough money to last our future grandkids. It's not like I need the money it gives us and besides," I wrapped my arms around her waist, "every time I'm away from you trying to live my 'dream', the only thing I can think of is _'I wish you were here to help me understand why I'm living it without you'_."

Spencer gave me the biggest grin ever. "I'm suing you for plagiarism."

"Sue away baby," I patted her ass a little, "sue away."

"Oh!" Spencer grabbed the small teddy bear that was sitting on the chair and pulled me in for a heart melting kiss. "Happy Mother's Day Ash," she whispered against my lips.

"Huh?" I searched her playful blue eyes and then glanced at the bear's t-shirt.

'Davies baby #1'.

"Whoa, what?" I squealed and grabbed her hands. "We're pregnant?!"

"Yea," Spencer sighed and nodded, cupping my cheek, "we're pregnant."

I was officially quitting music and becoming the person I've always wanted to be.

A devoted wife and a devoted mother.

Devoted.

Together.

--

**I wish you were mine this whole time but I guess I have to say thank you for letting go of me for a while. Thank you for being the one to walk away and making me a better person. We were young and you were scared. I just want you to know that I understand why things turned out the way they did. We were still brought together and I love every moment with you **_**now**_**.**

**Take a bow because all that had needed to be said, was said. I hold your hand in mine and I can fall asleep knowing that the vivid dreams will come true because I am with you. **

**Welcome to my newest waterfall…**

--


End file.
